11:26 AM - Thurs 2.03.22
(Feels like I'm starting this with no particular destination in mind, so...we'll see what happens.)
What am I thinking about these days...?
1. Between Trump and the pandemic, my view of the US (And a good chunk of the people in it) has taken a hit I don't think it's going to recover from.
I think about that a lot.
And it's really depressing (Especially since I'm wondering if the country as a whole is going to recover from the hit it's taken in recent years).
2, I wonder if I'm going to make any more progress in acting, or if I'm essentially "done" (And if it's the latter, what my life is going to look like from here. Because I don't have the energy or the skill-set - or to be honest, the interest - it would take to do much else).
But within what probably sounds like an unhappy, anxious thought (Because it is), there's something impressively positive in believing that, as a 60-year-old character actor who hasn't made that much happen in twenty years, I could still be "discovered" and end up doing more interesting, lucrative work than I have to date.
Because I haven't ruled that out.
3. I wonder how things will go with the documentary.
It's hard for me not to try and "control and predict" what's going to happen, because...well, that's what I do.
But in this instance, this is too novel a circumstance to really, realistically think I could "predict" what's going to happen when Acting Like Nothing Is Wrong starts playing film festivals. I can't stop myself from speculating, but it's speculation based on...well, nothing.
I think the truest things I've thought about the documentary becoming an honest-to-God film are, 1) That about the worst thing that could happen is that not much happens (I don't think we put it out there and nothing happens, but I worry it won't make as much of a splash as we'd like it to), and, 2) That even if the film doesn't get bought by Netflix and win an Academy Award, there will be positive repercussions to having made the film (beyond the big "positive repercussion" of becoming close to Jane) that we didn't see coming.
4. Whatever does or doesn't happen with Acting, I'm thinking a lot these days about what there is for me to hope for/aspire to/enjoy in the coming years above and beyond acting.
I've struggled for the past number of years to really see "The Way Forward".
Even though I haven't "given up hope", it doesn't seem likely that acting is going to "come through" for me the way I wanted it to when I came out here, providing me a living, a calling, a sense of identity and community, etc (I don't think I'm done working at this point - I'd genuinely be shocked if that turned out to be the case - but becoming a series regular on a long-running show I'm really proud of, or hitting big in movies, seems a really tall order. And even if that happened for me, I suspect I would find myself wanting/needing more).
What does my life beyond acting look like? What else is there for me to want, to strive for?
At this point?
I don't know.
5. This ties into acting, and what I do if my acting career doesn't get beyond where I've been (Or - God forbid! - actively declines), but I constantly fret about my future financially.
What do I do if this has been "the peak", and things are downhill from here?
That's a fairly dire thought...but at least it's not quite as dire as it used to be.
Assuming I live long enough (And it continues to be available) there will be Social Security.
And one of the happier surprises of recent years is that I've qualified to get pensions - small pensions, but pensions nevertheless - from both the "SAG" and "AFTRA" sides of SAG-AFTRA.
So right now, the concern isn't so much that I'll end up homeless - though I do actually still worry about that, for whatever reason - but that I'll have to leave LA because I can't afford to stay.
And go where?
I don't know...
And...there was something else - probably had to do with mortality rushing at me and everyone I care about like a runaway freight train - but I think I've said enough.
Till next time...