9:19 AM - Mon 4.30.18
-

As a procrastinator - the moment I tell myself I need to do this-or-that, I promptly want to put off this-or-that as long as possible -I always tell myself, "As soon as I finish ______ (Watching this show, checking Facebook, jerking off, whatever), I'll _______ (Do laundry, wash the dishes, exercise, whatever)".

But procrastination makes me feel anxious and guilty. So I need to get better at "adulting", which in this instance would be a simple (?) matter of "flipping the script" - Say, by telling myself, for example, that "As soon as you get laundry started, you can come up and start on that journal entry you've been wanting to do".

Which is what I'm doing.

(Of course, being the master procrastinator I am - sometimes I think I don't really want to do anything - it can get a little complicated. For example, while doing this functioned as an incentive today, it's often its own thing to procrastinate about. Which makes me think the best I can hope for is to at least make my procrastination productive - Doing dishes to avoid laundry, or exercising to avoid writing in here, and so on and so forth. But anyway...)

Nothing much going on, really. Which makes it more challenging to write, but at the same time, makes me think "That's exactly when I should write" (I tell myself I want to get past basic "reportage", and really try to capital W "Write"...but, as it turns out, that's really hard. And I seem very resistant to doing anything I find "really hard").

Have been wondering when Shameless is going to start shooting again.

I'd been assuming maybe late next month sometime, but Mike M. recently opined June was more likely (Since a lot of the crew also work on the other John Wells show, Animal Kingdom, which shoots during the Shameless off-season).

But I talked with someone recently who has actual, credible information (As opposed to Mike and me just guessing) and was told things will indeed be starting back up in May (Of course, they could be mistaken, or production could change things up for one reason or another, but they have better info than I do, because I don't have any).

They also said they'd heard there will be 14 episodes, instead of 12 (Which has been the standard). I found that...interesting, and I'll address why momentarily.

It doesn't really matter if we start in May or June - I'm not hurting for money so bad a couple weeks will break the bank - but I like doing it, and God knows nothing else is happening, so starting sooner rather than later is okay by me (Also, I know Mike M. bought a house not too long ago, so I'd like things to start ASAP for his sake - He's got a giant financial weight on his shoulders).

My big challenge shooting the show this year won't be acting - At this point, the role is basically the role. Shameless is not going to suddenly become The Kermit Show or anything like that - but rather, to be "in the moment", and appreciate however many episodes I get and whatever I get to do, instead of treating this season like a countdown to oblivion.

Let me be clear - While I do not know this for a fact, in all likelihood, this season is the last for Shameless.

And to my way of thinking, my friend telling me the show's shooting 14 episodes this season lends weight to the theory - Why do 14 episodes when you've been doing 12 all along unless it's to "wrap up" the show in a big way?

But again, I don't know this to be a fact.

And more to the point, even if it is, I can't predict the future.

I mean, maybe things will work out somehow, post-Shameless and I won't end up dying in the gutter alone.

I mean, anything's possible...

I should be part-way through watching a play in North Hollywood right now...but I'm not, because I bought (non-refundable, non-exchangeable) tickets for the wrong fucking day.

Had a fit over that a short time ago (my face still hurts a little), but telling myself "At least I caught my error before I actually got there". I still feel like a motherfucking idiot, but outsized anger towards myself aside, it's not that big a deal.

For now, at least, life goes on.

No word about Shameless at this point - Hoping I'll be in the first episode of the season (And I have been for the past three seasons, so it does seem a pattern has been established), but it's early to expect a call just yet.

(I like to be in the first and last episodes of a season - It just makes me feel more "a part of things" somehow.)

Well, if not for today's annoying error, this weekend would have marked three days in a row of social engagement (When I rarely have anything to do on the weekends).

On Friday, prompted by the Community Coalition people first calling, then emailing me (When I begged off committing on the phone and said "email me the details"), I attended what they plan to be a regular monthly organizing/motivational meeting (Community Coalition is the group that was responsible for the Embrace LA dinner I attended last month, where the idea was to have a race-themed discussion).

I'm so used to going north on Vermont Avenue (If I'm on Vermont, that usually means I'm headed to one of my cheap movie theaters in Los Feliz) that when I saw the Vermont avenue address, I first thought the event was going to be in my K-town neighborhood (Or at least K-town adjacent, like the Echo Park dinner).

But it was actually in South Central, seven or eight miles from my apartment, a part of Greater LA I don't think I've seen since my earliest days here.

Over the course of two hours, there was a tour of the facility - Turned out, I was basically attending a "membership drive" (Understandable, but it still bummed me out that they basically wanted money from me) - then a meal, some speakers, and some entertainment.

For a good chunk of time, I was the only white person I saw, and while it didn't really make me afraid (I didn't think anyone was going to hurt me or anything), I did feel extremely out-of-place.

(When I sat down to eat - which gave me a very "new kid at school" feeling, as I tried to figure out exactly where to sit - I did notice a few white people come in after me. But I didn't rush over to sit with them - "Thank God you're here!" - or anything like that. That would have been really weird.)

Throughout the evening, I interacted with maybe eight or nine people altogether, and everybody was quite nice (As you would expect people into, or potentially into, community organizing to be), but I didn't end the evening feeling like this was going to be my "thing".

If I were to start doing some sort of community work (Which I'm not even sure is a good "fit" for me in general - stuffing envelopes and knocking on doors doesn't seem terribly interesting to me), I'd want it to be in my own community, both because I'm lazy (And don't like driving that much), and because the point of something like that would mostly be to meet my neighbors, get to know them...and maybe have sex with some of them.

So Friday's thing didn't feel like it "worked", in that it's not going to be a solution to my loneliness/boredom/lack-of-purpose/whatever.

But I give myself props for doing it, for trying, because "doing" and "trying" aren't my go-to moves.

Beyond not really seeing what I specifically had to offer the South Central community (Beyond perhaps a modest donation to the cause), I had a more general feeling afterward, which was basically "Why are you even doing this? You already have a thing you could/should be doing with your free time - It's called 'Acting' - which you already know how to do and know you enjoy".

I haven't pulled the trigger yet, but, prompted by some of my work in therapy, I recently got very close to paying for a subscription to Backstage, in order to have access to their audition listings.

I have massive amounts of "resistance" to this idea, on multiple fronts - I could do, not just a complete entry on the subject, but a series of entries - but be that as it may, it's something I gotta do, both for my career and for my mental health (And there's a definite connection between "career" and "mental health" - Not just that having an actual career, where I actually act would make me "feel better about things", but that "feeling better about myself", and keeping myself sharp as an actor, would make having a satisfying "career" more likely).

An important thing that came up in therapy on Tuesday was about the vicious circle of depression and anxiety - I feel depressed and anxious because I'm lonely and bored and nothing's happening with my career, and that depression and anxiety saps me of the energy to do anything about my situation, which then guarantees resultant depression and anxiety will continue.

If I want things to change, I have to do things.

Even when I don't want to do things.

And it's important I do things even if/when they don't "work" (Like Friday's thing), because for my self-esteem and self-respect, I need to be able to say to myself, "I am not just sitting idly by while my life drains away - I am actively trying to make my life what I want it to be, as hopeless as I may sometimes feel about my chances".

Yesterday my friend Liz texted me to say that she was free to see a movie or play if I wanted.

And I did want to...but at the same time, my "default" (i.e. the easiest, most comfortable course-of-action), as I've previously suggested, is to say "no" (And that's always the case, but particularly on weekends, when I have to get up earlier than any other time during the week).

But I said "yes". Or to be more accurate, I said, "Yes, if you'll basically come all the way to me because I'm lazy and don't want to drive anywhere".

And she did.

So we saw Tully at the Loz Feliz 3 - which we both liked, with a major caveat (A "twist" which then makes the entire movie about the "twist", if you follow me) - and had a late meal at Fred62.

Afterward, I walked her to her car, then took a lift home (Where, as I noted on Facebook already, the driver's friend, sitting with him in the front seat, hearing that I'm on Shameless, said "We should kidnap you! Ha Ha! Just kidding...!").

(After dismissing some potential responses - referencing the movie Ruthless People, explaining the vast gulf between what a recurring character on TV makes versus a series regular, etc - I contented myself with saying "That would make all three of us really sad".)

Well, this is one of those times where I actually have loads more to write about - my cat has mysteriously started pooping regular poops, for example (He had diarrhea for a really long time, which I felt very guilty about) - but feel like, as long as I still have a couple readers, I should endeavor not to tax anyone's patience/attention span.

So, till next time...

previous - next