2:00 a.m. - THU 9/04/03
Lansing Bound

Can't seem to quite put my thoughts together right now, so I'm going to just type as quickly as I can, try not to think about it too much, and hope something coherent emerges. I hope you'll bear with me.

Stopped off at work today to return a couple of books I had checked out (Loved Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. If you're a wannabee pop culture historian like I am, you should read it. It's pretty great).

It was nice, as I left the store, to realize I wouldn't be back for almost two weeks. I'm ready for a vacation from Borders Inc, that's for sure.

I think I've been making way too much of going back to Michigan. It's a vacation, for God's sakes, and I've been tying myself up in knots because I'm not going back as "The Kind of All Media". I'm sure no one expects that of me; Anyone who cares just wants to see me, and I can give them that.

And besides what anyone might want of me, or expect of me, or whatever, there's the issue of my getting to see Mark and Jane, and Kevin, and the gang at Schuler Books, and whatever fun people decide to show up at my party a week from Saturday.

Why exactly am I stressing? This is the part of life that's supposed to be fun.

Little nervous about the flight, which is sort of silly; What are the odds that the first time I'm on a plane in fifteen years or so, it'll blow up or be flown into a building or something? But just in case, I have already made a decision--In the event of a terrorist takeover of the plane, I will protest the terrorists bad behavior (I'm sure once they see the error of their ways, they'll just have a seat and enjoy the flight along with the rest of us).

I've been very up-and-down lately. Okay, mostly down, but struggling back to what might be defined as "normal" before sinking back down again.

Stressing about the trip, stressing about work, stressing about acting, stressing about being lonely, stressing about stressing too much...

When exactly am I going to let myself just enjoy life...?

Tonite was a good start. A relaxing evening with the Browns (Homemade pizza, watching tv, checking out Kay's work from her first-ever drawing class. And she's really good, by the way), followed by enjoying their cable when they went off to bed, and now getting to do this.

I was thinking again the other day...I used to just want to be fixed, and I think I've felt a resurgence of that feeling recently (I am "broken" and somehow, someway, I have to "fix" myself).

I don't think anything's going to happen at this point where I'm suddenly going to "be all better". I'm basically the guy I'm going to be, I think, and what's left to me now is not to spend a lot of time and energy trying to be someone or something else, but to try and work with what I've got.

Cause when it comes down to it, I don't think I have to become a whole different person in order to be happy, to be successful, to be loved, whatever.

I just have to get out of my own way.

And right now, I think "getting out of my own way" means going to bed and trying to get some sleep. It's going to be a long day tomorrow...

Good night folks.

1:19 pm - Friday, Mar. 29, 2002
I left Lansing for THIS?
I LEFT LANSING FOR THIS?

(The first part of this entry in an edited transcript from a chat I just had with Kevin.)

Had a movie audition today. Or ALMOST did: I walked out. I got called about this one yesterday afternoon, for an audition this morning. A horror movie called "Deathbed". I was going to be auditioning for the role of "The Fat Man", A serial killer in the 1920's, whose spirit is haunting/inhabiting the tenants of the old building. No lines, just some kinky sex/murder stuff (Bondage gone bad on an old metal bed. Hence the title of the movie, "DEATHBED").

I didn't have a very good feeling about the call. The guy was very impatient with me, seemed annoyed that I didn't have a fax--to send the "sides" to--and just didn't give me a good feeling overall (He also had a heavy Asian accent, so there was some of that to negotiate). Anyway...I asked if I could just come in early to look at the sides, and he said that would be fine. So I got there an hour early, got a script from the receptionist--she couldn't find any "sides"--and read it. Pretty bad. Pretty forgettable. Uninteresting part--and I had TOLD the guy I wasn't FAT--and I almost decided to bag it then, but decided to stick it out.

The guy comes in, and immediately starts IN on me. When I told him I'd read the script, he said, accusingly, "Who gave you the SCRIPT?". When I said "the receptionist", he was like, "Where is it NOW?", and I said, "I gave it BACK to her". Then he walked away, and when I started to follow, I said, "Ummm...am I supposed to follow you?", and he just gestured impatiently to come on.

We got in the room, and he asked me what time my appointment was, and I told him where we'd left it the day before (I was supposed to get there between ten and ten thirty. I thought it was odd to have it be that open-ended, but there it was).

Then he asked me how long I'd been there. When I said I'd gotten there sometime after nine, he said something like "I didn't SAY between 9 and 10:30", apparently FORGETTING the entire thing about my coming in early to look at the sides, which turned out not to be there ANYWAY...In any case, I was very NOT happy with this guys tone, and the bizarre exchange we were having, so I just said, "This isn't working out", and I walked.

I would have been justified with saying MORE, but I just said as I passed the receptionist, "This guy's an IDIOT", then thanked her for letting me read the script.

I'm MYSTIFIED by the whole experience. At what point did I do ANYTHING to deserve what seemed to me like very RUDE treatment? I just don't know.

(END)

The past 30+ hours of my life have not GONE too well, to be quite HONEST with you...

First there was the pervert on 3rd Street Wednesday night.

Then last night, none of the guys showed up for rehearsal, except JR and myself (Michelle came in about 35 minutes late).

It's a two-day-a-week rehearsal schedule, but it's apparently STILL too rigorous a routine for this cast (Last Thursday, the only people who showed up were Me and JR and Eric). I'm starting to get frustrated; I left Lansing for THIS?

And of course today I had this ASSHOLE from "Shadow Films" treating me like I was something stuck on his shoe. And all for a film I would have been embarrassed to be a part of ANYWAY).

In the face of all this, I think the only response is to take myself to the movies...

8:51 am - Tue 2/05/02
Why did I leave Lansing?
It's nearing the one-year anniversary of my big move to LA.

I'll probably have more to say on the subject as the actual date arrives, but right now, the one thing that occurs to me is to cut myself some SLACK. I've already had some difficulty not being "down on myself" here--for not "getting more done"--but I have to just tell myself that I AM here, and instead of being "down on myself", be "up on myself" for what I HAVE done and what I AM doing.

(Just as I got started on this entry, I got an e-mail from Bill Helder. My response to what he had to say started feeling like a Diaryland entry, so in the interest of saving time--and because I'm a lazy so-and-so--I'm going to copy it in here.)

It DOES provide some measure of comfort to think that other people have gone through what I'm feeling right now (That tells me I'm "maturing", at least to SOME degree; In the past, I don't think I would have given the struggles of others a MOMENT'S thought. But now, I try to use that fact to gain strength and encouragement--"Other people have gone through this and figured it out. If they could, so can I"--and I've become much more of a cheerleader for other people's successes than I used to be).

I've certainly had dark moments out here where I've thought, "I'm just not up for this...", but I think there's a difference between having moments where you feel weak and overwhelmed, and making the decision, as Ken and John apparently did, that what they thought they wanted wasn't really what they wanted at all.

I miss Lansing still. I miss knowing a lot of people, I miss the "theater community", I miss being a known quantity. I miss my friends (I miss my Monday lunches with Mark and Jane, and my Sunday jogs and breakfasts with Kevin). I've missed having a parking space. I've missed being within walking distance between Riverwalk and the Civic Players. I miss getting to see Jennifer. I miss my friends at Schuler Books (Though I talked to some of them recently, and they're having a pretty tough time adjusting to the demands of the new store. From my experience at Borders--which is about the same size as the new Schulers, if not a little larger-- I can RELATE).

So why leave?

I guess the main reason is because acting's the only thing I've ever wanted to do with my life. I've never had a job I felt I was really GOOD at--and I certainly have never had a job that PAID very well--and in Lansing, I was always frustrated that I had to muddle along doing low-paying work while the best thing I did, the only thing I really WANTED to do, was something I had to do in my "spare time", something I had to do at the end of my working day, after feeling tired out by the thing I DIDN'T really want to be doing (Though don't get me WRONG; Schuler Books was the closest thing I ever had to a satisfying "real job". It just wasn't ENOUGH).

I got to do a lot of acting things I was really happy about in Lansing, a number of things that, in my opinion, would have flown ANYWHERE ("Hair", "Working", and "Lies & Legends" instantly spring to mind). And the last couple seasons I had before I left Lansing went about as well as I could ever have asked for (I was thrilled to get the Thespie for "Big River" that mentioned all the work I'd done that season. It was also pretty cool to get to do "Fagin" for "the home crowd". That had been something I'd wanted to do for years, every since I'd done the role at Thunder Bay Theater).

But entire seasons would go by with nothing going on that I was interested in. And community theater is, by necessity, top-heavy with comedies and musicals, and while I enjoyed doing the things I did, by and large, I always wondered if there were things I wasn't getting to do in community theater ( In my own mind, in the work I did during my time in Lansing, I rarely got to go as "far out" as I would have liked, and on the other side, I rarely felt like I got to play "real people" very often; "Emma's Child" was very satisfying for me, because the character and the situation felt very "real". It was one of the rare times I felt like I was "acting" rather than "performing").

Though I haven't really DONE it yet, I've always been attracted to the IDEA of smaller, simpler, more "realistic" acting. I've often gotten to be "Big" in the things I've done up to now, and I don't have a problem with that, but it's made me wonder what OTHER arrows I might have in my quiver that aren't getting much use.

Sometimes I've watched tv, or gone to the movies, and thought to myself, "I could do that...". Other times, I've watched tv, or gone to the movies, and thought, "I could NEVER do that...". But I've always wondered, if this is the only thing in my life I've ever shown any serious interest in pursuing as a career, why I WASN'T pursuing it as a career. I've wondered if I had ENOUGH to "make it" as a professional.

And the obstacles, the pitfalls, the potential for pain and disappointment and frustration, seem HUGE to me right now. I've had almost CONTINUAL doubts as to whether I'm "up to the challenge" since coming out here.

But this is, corny as it might sound, my "path". And lately, I've started to regain the sense I've had of myself as having something "special" to offer. And now I HAVE to know--Do I have the talent, the discipline, and maybe most importantly, the WILL, to follow this "path" to wherever it goes? I guess we'll find out.

I may end up back in Lansing, appreciating how good I have it. I'm not going to rule that out.

But not just yet.

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