5:04 PM - Weds 11.03.21
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(Not sure why I have the impulse to do this right now - I podcasted earlier today, so you'd think I'd have "talked myself out" - but I'm not going to question having an impulse to do something-rather-than-nothing, so here we go...)

Thurs 11/4/21 (12:10 pm)

(Was geared up to do this yesterday, but then my brother Gregg called - Who I, coincidentally, had been thinking I should call for a while now - then Jane R. texted me asking for an addendum to the conversation we'd had earlier, then I felt like I should go on a walk, which is all I'm doing for exercise these days, and...here we are. Anyway...)

Did a podcast yesterday that was primarily about the auditions I've just had (A theatrical self-tape Tuesday, and two virtual commercial auditions Monday) and I titled it "The Window".

Pretty sure I've written about "the window" before - It's the time after an audition where there is a "window of possibility", where the audition, or auditions, you've just done are "open" and no decisions have been made yet (So there's a "possibility" you could book the job...or jobs, in this instance).

(Callbacks for the commercial auditions aren't till next week, I don't think. And they'll be casting for the theatrical directly from the tapes - no callbacks - so that could still be "open" or it could have already been cast, I don't know.)

But while I titled that podcast "The Window" - and for all I know, all the projects in question could still be "in play" - I didn't have an emotional window, where I actually felt that sense of "possibility".

In the case of the commercials, while I certainly would like to book one (or both) of them, they were both "face lotteries" (They're basically looking for "featured extras" for the spot, no "acting" really required), so they don't hold much promise of being fun, interesting/creative affairs - They're just jobs...though don't get me wrong, I'd still like to book one, or both, of them. Because I like money).

My "emotional energy" is really centered around the theatrical project, a recurring guest-star role on a kid's show, for an unnamed streaming platform (Not sure what the coyness is about there, but whatever).

Kids TV isn't my dream as an actor...but that said, it's a really fun role - It would easily be the most "acting" I've done since moving to LA - and I could think of worse ways to spend my time (While waiting for that juicy series-regular role on a show that'll one day be considered one of the "Greatest TV Shows Of All Time").

While I was a little disappointed in myself initially - No matter how much I prepare before a self-tape audition, I always start out having trouble with my lines, and this outing was no exception - ultimately thought I got something that showed me off to good effect (And was happy my friend Josh was able to help me out).

I've been telling people lately how much I really want to book another regular gig - for the money, naturally, and for the opportunity to maybe do some acting, but most of all, so I can have the feeling that, "I have actually had a career".

I don't want Shameless to be the pinnacle of my time in Hollywood and my swan-song. I don't want it to seem like random dumb luck.

I want to have made more noise than that before it's all over.

(4:56 pm)

Got off the phone with Mark and Jane Z. less than an hour ago - good conversation.

Anyway...

With all the talk of auditions and "windows" and wanting to "make more noise", something has been quietly nagging at me for a while now: What else do I want?

It might be a little late in the game to be thinking this, but it's striking me that "wanting to book acting jobs" is kind of a rickety foundation to build a life on.

And - again, late in life to be taking note of this - acting has been mostly about not getting the auditions, not getting the win, not getting to do the kind of work you'd like to do.

Most of the time, it doesn't feel good.

But what else is there for me? What else would make me feel happier, more content?

Anything?

And by this, I don't mean I want to stop being an actor and do something else - I feel pretty commited to the acting thing at this juncture - just that I wish it didn't feel like the only thing that gave me some sense of purpose and meaning.

But at the moment, here we are.

(Till next time...)

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