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12:04 pm - Wednesday, Aug. 24, 2005
Left Out And Glossed-Over

Left Out And Glossed-Over

Mon 8/22/05 (1:15 p.m.)

To start this entry on a positive note, earlier today I made the last payment on my dental bill, so hip-hip-hooray for me!

(I’d also like to thank my “anonymous benefactor”, if you’re still reading along–I’ve made some extra money this year, with Jack-In-The-Box residuals and the two gigs I’ve booked so far, but I feel like it was your gift that really made the difference; with my current financial circumstances, I would never have been able to absorb such a big bill on my own.)


Discovered something interesting in the laundry room today...I was doing a couple loads of laundry, and while putting a load in the dryer, I found a bullet next to the coin slot.

It gives one pause; it’s weird to think that someone in my building is living the kind of life where loose bullets end up in their dirty laundry.


Saw something last night on the way home from work that made me think about how many unusual things I’ve seen while riding my bike home from work:

1. A dozen or so white rabbits loose in front of a medical building on Wilshire (Definitely the most surreal thing I’ve seen here).

2. A guy humping a tree.

3. Vince Vaughan in front of the El Rey (Walking my bike through his entourage, feeling like the King of Dorkville, I accidentally ran over someone’s foot).

4. Two guys operating a mechanical giraffe on a movie location (Actually, that was on my way to work one day, but I’m running out of stuff here...)

So anyway, last night I’m riding home from work, along 4th street, and as I pass a parked car (With its inside light on), I see a girl climbing backwards over the back seat, dressed in a plaid skirt...with no panties on.

My guess is that I was seeing this couple (The guy was in the driver’s seat) post-sex, as the girl was trying to retrieve her underwear (Which would explain why she was coming from the back seat, and why the dome light was on).

I have to admit, I found this a lot more titillating than my last glimpse of public semi-nudity: The night I had to walk home from a casting workshop, I saw a huge black transvestite walking on Hollywood Blvd. with the back of her skirt tucked into her pantyhose–-with no underwear on--showing me stuff I never wanted to see and hope I never see again.

And a glancing view of a cute girl’s butt was way sexier than that or the guy humping the tree!

Tues 8/23/05 (10:21 a.m.)

Sometimes I write a journal entry, and afterwards realize I left out some important info, or else glossed over something that really shouldn’t have been glossed over...

When I talked about a “vise of anxiety and stress”, or whatever I called it, I left out two “contributing factors” to that sense of being squeezed–A few months ago, I received notice about my yearly 5% rent increase, effective next month, making my monthly rent $603.93 (The odd amount is due to some sort of “city tax” that started being tacked onto the rent a year or so ago). So my rent’s going up, and I’m making less money than last year, which seems to fall under the category of “stressful circumstances”.

And recently, I ran into “Dog Guy” in the lobby of my building, and he told me my dog-walking services wouldn’t be required after all–He’d gotten someone else (“Because,” he said, “It seemed like you were only going to be available during the day”).

Something felt “off” about this whole interaction: My availability hadn’t been an issue when we first talked about it--On the contrary, it seemed like exactly the time he needed someone--and just five days before our “lobby conversation”, he emailed me to say we were still “on”, and that he just had to get a key made.

And besides, we had a deal--You don’t agree on a price for services, act like everything’s cool, shake hands on it (figuratively speaking), then keep looking around. So my guess is that he was either bugged that I prodded him about it–with the note under his door (After two weeks of not hearing from him)–or else he found a kid in the building to do it for $10 a week or whatever.

I was very disappointed, to say the least, at having an extra $120 a month dangled in front of me, then snatched away.

And it made me wonder–If you think “The Universe” is supporting you when an extra $120 a month falls into your lap, what are you supposed to think “The Universe” is doing to you when things fall through?

That was “the bad stuff” I left out of that entry.

The “good stuff” I sort of glossed-over was that “near-perfect” day I had on Saturday, before I had to go to work.

These “workshops” I’ve been going to have become very important to me very quickly.

Of course, the biggest thing is that I’m getting in front of people who might actually be able to do me some good, who might see that I’ve got something interesting to offer and take a chance on me (Considering I’ve been here almost four-and-a-half years without any access to these people, this is a huge development).

But more than just practical “career stuff”, I now have something to look forward to. Life isn’t just going to work, going home, and hoping I’ll get a call from JS about a commercial audition. And it’s good for me to be doing these things, but they’re also fun to do, by-and-large. And that’s nice, cause “fun” can be hard to come by out here, when you’re feeling lonely, stressed out, and financially strapped (Which is why I’m trying not to think too much about the extra $100-150 a month I’m spending on these things, a monthly expense that’s mostly going on credit cards cause I just don’t have the money to pay for them otherwise).

And happily, the other actors at these things are starting to take notice of me.

I’ve said it before–I’m very competitive about this stuff. And I’ve always craved recognition, not just from “the public”, but from my peers as well (Be it high school, community theater, summer stock, or this).

And it’s not just about the ego-stroking (Which is nice, don’t get me wrong)...

You ever go to an event, and it seems like everyone else knows each other, and you’re the only one “left out in the cold”? Well that’s how I felt about these things the first couple weeks I went (And it’s how I often feel at parties and social occasions). But now people have seen me, seen what I can do, and are actively approaching me, to say how much they enjoyed the scene I did, or as one guy did on Saturday, complimenting me on how consistently good I am at these things (Which could not have pleased me more).

It makes me feel like I don’t have to “force my way into the circle”, or “prove myself”, cause they’ve already seen that I’m good at this thing we’re all trying to do. And by the same token, I feel more comfortable approaching someone whose work I’m impressed with if I can feel like I’m doing it as a peer and not a supplicant.

And on Saturday, I got pretty much everything I might have wanted out of the two workshops, short of an immediate offer of an audition by one of the casting directors.

Both scenes went really well.

In the first, I was a TV director who was decidedly unamused when he meets his new producer, a bubbly female 22 year old he initially mistakes for a fan.

In the second, I played the Jack Nicholson role in Something’s Got To Give. The Keaton character was played by "Glenda", a Hispanic girl probably a third Ms Keaton’s age, which made me that much happier when the scene somehow worked anyway.

I felt a really good “vibe” from the two casting directors, other actors were complimentary, and my scene partners were obviously very happy with how things had gone.

And I was pleased I got a chance to talk with “Patrick” for a bit, one of the actors I’ve been impressed with at these things–He always “scores” with whatever scene he’s given, which as I’ve been saying, is exactly the way I want to come off at these things (And apparently have so far). Usually, he’s in a huddle with “Tammy” (Who’s also consistently good at these things), but she only attended the first workshop that day.

Anyway, in a nutshell, I’m enjoying these things. It’s me acting, putting myself out there, and I have to believe somehow, some way, that good things will flow from that if I just give it time.

Cause they kind of already are.


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