9:41 pm - Fri 12.29.2012
Definitely one of life's simple pleasures.
I'm starting this entry without a clear "agenda"; I do not know where I want to go, so...watch out!
I know I go on and on (And on and on and on) abut the "fiscal anxiety" I chronically wrestle with because of acting, so for a delicious change-of-pace, I'm going to spend some time writing about another issue I'm "chronically wrestling" with (And that I have chronically wrestled with, really, for the lion's-share of 2012) - My return to overeating, and my return to being overweight as a result.
I lost over 70 lbs at Weight Watchers, back in 2008.
Actually...Well, it gets a little complicated, but here goes...
Getting from my "start weight" (268 lbs) to my "goal weight" (195 lbs) meant losing 73 lbs. I then lost more weight after that - getting down to 182 lbs at my lowest - but decided that was actually too skinny (It was), or it was too hard to maintain (It was), or something (And besides, I liked the idea of being 200 lbs. The "even number" appealed to me. Telling people "I'm 6'2" and 200 lbs" just sounded right). So I got a note from my Dr saying that was okay, since the top of my "healthy weight range" is actually 195 lbs.
So, at this writing, my "goal weight" is 200 lbs (Meaning, for Weight Watchers purposes, my weight should be between 198-202 lbs at any given time).
Just weighed myself - 220 lbs.
(That's a post-WW record, by the way.)
I'm a Weight Watcher, I work at Weight Watchers, and I'm 20 lbs overweight.
This ain't good.
And I'm tremendously frustrated with myself, that I haven't gotten this under control (On the contrary, like I just said - I'm fatter than I've ever been, post-WW).
I don't want to get into all the ins-and-outs of my eating issues, my motivation or lack-of-same, etc, cause I think that's too "involved" for one journal entry, and also just boring.
So I'll limit myself to what the most obvious problem is - I've developed the terrifically bad habit of getting up in the middle of the night and eating.
Getting up a number of times in the middle of the night, actually - and eating.
And even when I think I'm "tracking" all of it (Writing down what I eat and how many "points" it is), I'm clearly not, or else I wouldn't be where I'm at. And more often than not, I'm not sure how much I ate and don't even bother writing it down - I just draw a "Skull-and-Crossbones" on my tracker and tell myself I'm at my limit.
I have 40 "points" (Or I should say, "PointsPlus Values") in a day, and as a result of this bad habit I've developed (and thus far failed to break), I'm out of points basically halfway through my day.
(My "eating day" starts at 6:00 pm., till 6:00 pm the following day.)
Part of why I'm bringing this up, I think, is that I clearly need to "make myself accountable" (Oddly enough, WW is supposed to have a procedure in place to make employees who are over goal "accountable", but like I've said, I've been over for most of 2012, and as of this writing, no "Boom" has been "Lowered").
So, while this journal is not going to become "Jim writing about his eating issues and struggles with weight maintenance" 24/7, I'm going to be writing about it more in days to come, because I've got to acknowledge somewhere that this is a problem, that I'm actually going to do something about it, and then - let's be optimistic here - within the next couple or so months, I'll be reporting that things are once again "under control".
I'm almost out of time here (It's now almost 11:00 pm, and I have to get up early for WW tomorrow)...
Something I want to start giving myself more credit for is - how do I say it? - taking action, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, when it comes to addressing issues that are bothering me.
Example: After being told a long time ago that I grind my teeth at night - and after getting word recently that my insurance would not cover a mouth-guard (My Dentist was hoping we'd get my snoring/sleep apnea and teeth-grinding issues addressed in one fell swoop), I finally "pulled the trigger" and bought an over-the-counter mouth-guard last week, to at least address the grinding.
It doesn't seem to be working as well as I'd hoped - On more than once occasion, I've woken with it out of my mouth, hiding somewhere in my covers - but that's almost not-the-point.
I have had a habit of worrying about things, or having out-and-out actual problems (Like grinding my teeth at night), and doing little or nothing to actually address the matter.
This is something that's been on my mind a lot lately - Just because you can't do everything to address a given concern you have or a problem you're facing, doesn't mean you can't do something.
So good for me for doing something!
Sat 12/29/12 (5:05 am)
Woke up early this morning, but late enough so there was no point in going back to bed...so here I am.
Ate overnight, but relatively speaking, not too bad - If I haven't forgotten anything, I'm left with enough points to have had five points for breakfast, with a couple left over for something for lunch (Along with some zero-point vegetables).
Two other things I need in order to get back on the weight-loss bandwagon (In addition to accurately tracking my points/managing the "overnight eating" thing) - 1) More regular exercise, and 2) Getting back to meetings.
One thing making "getting back to meetings" more challenging, ironically enough, is working at Weight Watchers; I work much of the time that meetings are scheduled.
But, I could go to the Monday morning meetings in Santa Monica, or the Thursday morning meetings in West LA (I could also go Tuesday nights at Beverly, but that's not as likely a proposition, since I work two meetings at Beverly that day already).
That's back to the "accountability" thing (And doing the thing that caused me to lose my weight in the first place) - Making the commitment to "show up for myself" and get back on track.
Speaking of Weight Watchers as "work", I've been thinking for awhile that I might be better off not working at Weight Watchers.
I don't want to work at any regular job, truth to tell; I came out here to make acting "the thing", and almost 12 years down the road, acting is still definitely not "the thing" (As in "The thing I do". Not when it's something I actually "do", if I'm lucky, for a week or two, total, throughout a given year).
But one thing a regular job has provided me throughout the years is a ready-made social life - At Schuler Books, then Borders, then ArcLight, there were people I socialized with after work (I'm Facebook friends with many of my Schuler Books coworkers, I met my friend Pat while working at Borders, and I met Howard at ArcLight).
But at WW, I only work with one or two people at a time, and they're all middle-aged or older married women, who generally aren't looking for more of a social life than whatever they already have.
Which is another reason going back to meetings would be good; there would be at least the possibility of making friends there (And since WW meetings are mostly women, who knows where things could go from there...?). At the very least, it would be one more "social" thing I'd be doing during a week.
Realized that I actually got up earlier than I thought, and could have perhaps benefited from going back to bed for a time.
But then I wouldn't have had the chance to do this, so "C'est la vie"...!
So the "theme", if there is one right now, seems to be "doing things to try and make my life better".
Hopefully, the things will help, but whether they do or don't or to what degree...again, almost beside the point.
"Not taking action" when I feel bad or stressed or what-have-you, is an "issue" for me; often, it becomes an "issue-within-an-issue", as I become frustrated and angry and depressed over my inability or unwillingness to do anything about what's bothering me.
And I think there are "reasons" for that, but at this point, I don't know that they matter; what "matters" is that I do something.
1. Unhappy with gun violence? Call my representatives in Congress (Did that recently).
2. Unhappy with the fact that my teeth look bad, and that I lost a tooth recently to poor dental care? Start wearing a mouth-guard at night, and brushing my teeth twice a day instead of once (Doing that).
3. Unhappy with my weight-gain? Exercise more, track, and go back to meetings (Getting back to doing that).
There's more unhappiness to do things about - I'm pretty fucking unhappy these days - but I'm showing more willingness to do at least a little bit about it, and that's encouraging.
But now I'd better get off to work, because I'd be pretty unhappy if I lost my job at this point...
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