9:53 AM - Weds 8.04.21
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(Just had a bit of a scare - Got a notice about an appointment with my Orthopedist at 10:20 today and immediately called the office in a panic, because the office is in Van Nuys and I haven't showered or anything. They gently informed me the appointment is for Weds@10:20...next week. So now I can smoothly transition from being panicked that I was going to miss a Doctor's appointment to being a little bummed that my August calendar so far is all medical shit. But anyway...)

Not sure what "The Top Story" is today...

Jane R. will be leaving in a week, and won't be back till October (Primarily for the delayed-for-Covid Shameless wrap party), so I'll have to entertain myself for a while, and not allow things to "slide into disrepair" (In terms of cleaning myself and exercising and such).

She's not where she wants to be, in terms of energy and focus and what-all (Which ebb-and-flow, when she'd prefer they just "flow"), but on my end, I'm very impressed with how quickly she's "snapped back" from her still-recent surgery (And to be fair to her, she often expresses gratitude for her relative good fortune, in terms of how well she can speak, how far she's come in a short time, and how "it could be worse" since she knows a couple people in circumstances that seem appreciably worse than hers).

She's got another surgery coming up (In October, actually, so she won't be here very long before heading back to Santa Fe); Naturally, she's not looking forward to it but seems to be approaching it, as much as possible, as just something to address and "get out of the way" so she can move on with things like the documentary (On my end, while I wish she didn't have to deal with this second surgery, I approve of it happening since its purpose is, I believe, to head off potential disaster should the cancer reappear).

Speaking of the documentary, it's currently going through "color correction" (Though Jane recently alluded to some delays, due to unexpected technical issues that need to be addressed, and coordinating schedules with a new Editor).

There's also licensing that needs to be addressed (Of primary interest on my end is getting rights to my acting clips - I'm going to be fairly despondent if we end up with a documentary called Acting Like Nothing Is Wrong where we can't show me doing any acting. Because while the acting currently on display in the film might not be anything amazing, it shows I've had at least some small measure of success).

There may be more steps I'm overlooking, but that seems to get us pretty close to having a completed film - From there, it's about submitting to film festivals (Which I'm hoping won't all be "virtual"), scooping up a boatload of awards, and hopefully catching the eye of someone who will want to buy it.

We'll see what happens.

In terms of the here-and-now, it doesn't seem like much is happening. I'm just trying to "tend to my business" - Going to physical therapy for my left shoulder (and elbow), worrying about my Unemployment (Had to reapply for an extension, procrastinated, am pretty sure I did it late and ultimately didn't do it right, and am hoping, at some point, to talk to an actual person about the whole thing), continue to feel guilty about not drawing enough (Even as I draw more than I ever have before), continue to worry about acting (As in "Am I ever going to work again?"), continue worrying about my cat (whose appetite has fallen off, has lost a lot of weight, and has been leaving involuntary little poops, mostly on my bed), and continue to worry about/work on my mental health.

On that last front, have gotten the CPAP out of mothballs (For those of you not "in the know", a CPAP - Continuous Positive Airway Pressure - machine is for people who suffer form sleep apnea).

(2 pm)

Well, had to take a break to do a voiceover audition (Working on treating voiceover auditions the way I should - Basically, to make them the next thing that needs to happen), and now Jane R. is coming over, because her house has become flea-infested and the exterminator just got there, which means she has to be elsewhere for the next four hours).

Anyway, I have sleep apnea - have for decades - but have never successfully addressed it (Which basically means I haven't made using a CPAP work out, and gave up a long time ago).

But since sleep apnea and depression/depression-like symptoms go hand-in-hand, the psychiatrist strongly suggested I go back to Dr Artal (My pulmonologist) about the situation...which I don't want to do, so I'm trying to make the CPAP happen (So far, I've had it on for about two-and-a-half hours each of the past two nights. Which is not enough to do any good - The good effect starts to kick in around four hours - but it's a start).

The other thing I did was to contact my former therapist to see if I could get back in with him.

After a life-time of "headshrinking" that hasn't done shit, I feel pretty burned-out on therapy. But I have to acknowledge the consensus, which is that medication with talk therapy is the best prescription for what's ailing me. And I'd rather go with someone I know that have to start with someone new.

(Talked to my "Former Therapist" on the phone a short time ago - He's closed his office that was closest to me and is headed towards retirement, but offered some names and numbers he thought might help. He also offered, if I sent him the list of therapists on my insurance, to vet any of them he knew.)

So...I'm trying to make shit happen (And since Jane got here - It's been a challenging couple of days, so she's lying down for a bit - she encouraged me to make a couple more calls. So I called the vet about Hamlet, and called my state Assemblyman's office regarding help with my Unemployment. Which currently means all the "have to do" stuff that was hanging over my head...is done).

In other health news, I thought I was done with physical therapy on Tuesday, but apparently, it's no big deal to get the prescription extended - and I definitely feel like I could use more PT - so I'm sticking with it at least through September.

So I'm tired, depressed, and my shoulder (and elbow) hurts...but life goes on.

(Oh, and my Fitbit crapped out on me. So this time out I bought a cheaper Garmin watch. Which, so far, seems fine.)

Till next time...

- Sat 3/10/12
Making Shit Up

Was at my friend Howard's place earlier this evening, for the first time ever, to watch the HBO movie Game Change with him and a couple of his friends.

It was fun (I don't think we learned anything we didn't already know, but Julianne Moore was very good as Palin, and I liked Woody Harrelson as well).

Anyway...

I know what the two or three of you who are still reading along want to know, and the answer is, "I don't know yet".

Got word from JS - On Wednesday, I think (Maybe late Tuesday afternoon?) - that I'm on "avail" for the New York Lottery commercial.

(That means I'm "on the short list" of actors they're thinking of for the role; we're supposed to call them first if another thing comes up, so they can either say "Well he can't do that because we want him for this", or else "release" me to go about my business.)

So anyway, Brett - my manager - used the commercial "avail" as a (reasonable) pretext to call the casting director for Friday Night Dinners, to see if he could find out where we stood (Regarding my big "series regular" audition).

And all he got from them was that they hadn't reached any decisions yet, and to keep them informed if I booked the commercial (Which shoots in NYC, sometime in the next two weeks).

Frankly, it was a pretty big letdown - When he called, I'd hoped it was to tell me I'd "made it to the next round" (Or even, as unlikely as it would have been after just a day or two, that I'd gotten the part) - but looking on the bright side, at least he wasn't calling to tell me I was out of the running (Or, as I joked to some co-workers at WW, that "We've decided to cast anyone but Jim Hoffmaster in the role. In fact, we're making it into a reality show - 'Anyone But Jim'").

Mon 3/12/12 (10:18 am)

Just got up a short time ago - stayed up late, got up late, and really want nothing more than to go back to bed...

Have a Chik-Fil-A commercial audition this afternoon, my third Monday audition in a row (The NY Lottery callback was last Monday, and the original audition the Monday before that) - I'm making note of the fact because it's relatively unusual.

We're getting near the "end of the first quarter" here, and I sure would like to book something - for my bank account and for my shaky self-esteem - and a Chik-Fil-A spot would definitely fit the bill.

(I've auditioned for Chik-Fil-A spots at least twice before, so it would be nice to finally land one. And I'm intrigued by the breakdown JS sent me, which said the actor "must like dogs".)

So at this writing, so far as I know, the NY Lottery thing is still open, the series regular thing is still open, I could still get a callback from the BMW audition on Tuesday, and I have Chik-Fil-A this afternoon.

I'm fast losing hope on the NY Lottery spot - I just feel like I would have heard by now - but there's no reason to believe the other things aren't still "in the realm of possibility" (And really, the Lottery spot could still be "in play" as well; their "shoot window" is 1-2 days, from the end of this week through the following week).

Clearly, it's a good thing to have a number of "possibilities", to have things "in play" that might go my way and substantially improve my situation.

It's certainly better than not having anything "in play".

But, being who I am, it can be hard not to feel stressed and anxious even when good things - or in the case of the series, possibly great things - could happen...because I guess "hoping for the best" leads to the possibility of said hopes being dashed.

(10:30 pm)

The Chik-Fil-A audition seemed to go well this afternoon (I can't say very much about it, because there was a non-disclosure agreement thing posted by the sign-in sheet).

It was at Kathy Knowles, the same as the NY Lottery audition.

So when Bobby S. (who was running the audition) asked if I'd booked the NY Lottery gig, and I told him I was on avail, he said he could find out if that was still the case, if I wanted.

I wanted.

And it was as I suspected - I did not book the spot.

Even though I'd kind of figured as much, I was still disappointed.

The loss puts something of a dent in my sunny outlook about the two "possibles" still in play - The BMW commercial, and of course, the series.

(Today's audition, as I said, went well - I think callbacks are supposed to be a week from tomorrow - so for now, I'm hopeful.)

I don't really care about the BMW thing as an "acting thing" - It's just another "Depressed Guy" bit, and more of a visual punchline than anything - but I do care about the money, since my Progressive spot has proven to be (yet another) dud (It's already stopped running on tv), I don't know when Austin and Ally or Shameless are starting back up (Or how involved I'll be when they do), and I'm still in limbo on Friday Night Dinners (And the longer I'm "in limbo", the harder time I'll have convincing myself it's going to ultimately go my way).

Weds 3/14/12 (11:45 pm)

Still nothing on the series...

The audition was a week ago yesterday.

I have no experience in this sort of thing, but common sense suggests that deciding who's going to be in your tv show on an ongoing basis might be a bigger decision than casting a one-line co-star role, and thus might take a little more time.

So while the wait is a little crazy-making, it seems premature to assume it's not "going my way" because of said wait...though that is my natural inclination.

I have to just tell myself - quite reasonably really - that since this is my first time with this process (I'm not counting the "Annoying Orange" thing), any effort on my part to "control and predict" here is just me "making shit up".

Even more than usual.

In one regard, I'm in a pretty decent position as I wait for this thing to be decided - I've had commercial auditions for the NY Lottery, BMW, and Chik-fil-a, and am going in on Friday for a co-star audition for "The Untitled Louis CK/Spike Ferenstein Project" (Fairly stoked about that last thing, cause I'm a big Louis CK fan).

So while the series is "The Biggest Deal" career-wise, it's not the only deal; it's nice to have these little distractions, to prevent me from obsessing over the series more than I already am.

And nice to have Howard as well - In addition to our regular movie-going excursions, recently I went over to his place to watch the HBO movie Game Change with him and a few of his other friends.

And yesterday we checked out a free movie-costume exhibit at a downtown museum (With his friend Nathaniel...who I guess is my friend too, at this point), then Howard and I met up with Donald (Who we both know from Arclight days) and Donald's very cute girlfriend, to watch a free screening of Quadrophenia at the NoHo 7.

I like that we're starting to explore some free entertainment options (Hard to make anything we do completely free - we usually get coffee and/or something to eat when we hang out, and if we're going to the NoHo 7, there's the cost of the Metro - but I like when at least "the main event" isn't costing me anything).

In addition to whatever's going through my head regarding Friday Night Dinners (And wondering what life will be like if I actually get the thing I've wanted since I came out here eleven years ago - namely a series), there's just that drumbeat of needing something to happen, because money keeps getting spent, and bills keep needing to be paid.

Well, something will happen...

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