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8:38 AM - Sat 07.18.20

Everything Else Is Something Else

Watching “Umbrella Academy”...

It’s impossible to know when acting will come back, really (And when it does, if/when it’ll “come back” for me).

But I hope I’m not done yet. And that’s not just a pragmatic wish - because I’m not independently wealthy and need to work - but a wish to perform, to “do the thing I do”.

To be...I don’t know what.



I hope there are still things left for me to do. I want to believe I’m not done, that there might be a highlight or two left before the story comes to an end.

I guess time will tell,,,

Have done a little bit of work on the documentary since Jane R has been here...but not much - a little bit of B-roll, which was pretty boring, and a bit of me dancing (With the focus being on my shadow, to change things up a bit).

We’re doing voiceovers on Sunday, which I think will be fun (I don’t know if we’re doing the - I don’t know what to call it - the “wrapping up” video then, but that’s the other thing I think will feel like me “working”).

The documentary has been able to go on in the midst of the pandemic - fortunately, we finished principal shooting before the COVID-19 shit hit the fan (And post-production don’t care bout no stinking “virus”) - but I’m left very uncertain about what things will look like moving forward.

When the film is finished, the next step will be getting it into film-festivals...and what are film-festivals going to be like now? Are there going to be real film-festivals (And if so, how?). Or is everything goin to be “virtual”?

It’s a question I ask selfishly - “What’s the next part of this journey going to be like for me?” - but also pragmatically, in terms of the impact on the film of people still being afraid to attend live group events (If they’re even permitted by then) or feeling too much “Zoom fatigue” to “attend” online.

Long story short, I’m worried that, while COVID-19 didn’t get us during shooting, it may leave the film fighting for life on the other end.

I hope not - I really want Jane to at least recoup her money on this venture - but I worrry.

As for me, I think it’s best if I assume that what I’ve gotten from the experience - the fun of doing it, the novelty of being a documentary “subject”, and, above all, the friendship with Jane R - is what I’m going to get, and that anything else will be “gravy”.

Because hopes that this or that or the other thing is going to happen, in a time when no one knows what the fuck is happening, seem pretty pointless.

I think about the most that can honestly be said is that something will happen - If nothing else, some number of people will see the film and will have some reaction to it.

And when it comes down to it, that’s the point, isn’t it?

It’d be grand if Jane made her money back (And maybe a little extra). And it would be swell if the film did something for me in terms of my career.

But that’s not the reason to do something like this, I don’t think (At least I don’t think it should be). And it’s not the stuff that anyone has any control over - All that Jane can do, all that I’ve attempted to do, is make something good.

Once that’s been done, everything something else.

And it a world where acting isn’t really happening (And where no one was terribly interested in me when it was), all I can do at this point is to keep trying, but at the same time, to look for what other ways I might have to connect with people, with the world at large, before my time is done.

So, till next time....




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