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7:31 am - Wed 4/10/02
A title doesn't spring to mind, so let's just call this \"Jim's Grab Bag of Minutae\"
TUE 4/09/02 11:20 am (Offline)

I don't have much time to do this, so I'm going to try and speed along...

Do you watch "ER"? I imagine a FEW people out there do. Well, I found Anthony Edward's final episode DISAPPOINTING somehow. It was kind of REAL--in real life, people DO just "go away" without a lot of overt fanfare or "closure"--but I didn't get something from it that I wanted (Like "overt fanfare or closure"--duh!).

In unhappy news, I'm afraid my "morning sickness" is returning. The past two mornings, I've been a little "gaggy". Just a LITTLE, but a little feels like more than ENOUGH to me!

I GUESS it's "acid reflux". When I went to the doctor for this problem the last time, he gave me samples of something called Protonix--for acid reflux--and my problem went away in about a week.

I've been stressing a LOT again lately, so I wonder if that's my problem (Note to self--"If that IS the problem, Jim, cut it OUT!").

Got up today and DIDN'T log onto the computer for the first 45 minutes or so of my day. Didn't turn on the tv either. I read a couple stories from "The Sun", and then when I DID log on, I checked my e-mail very quickly--there was nothing--then logged onto "Backstage" and started going through the listings (Ended up sending out things for four films, along with something to another agent).

I've been "talking to myself" a LOT lately, through the medium of little "notes" in my "pocket journal".

And what am I SAYING to myself?

Well, one thing was that "Regis and Kelly" and "The View" have to GO. I don't really NEED those programs in my life, and even if I'm not really WATCHING watching them, if I have them on, it distracts me, slowing me down whether I'm reading, doing Diaryland, Backstage West-ing, or whatever.

But not logging on immediately this morning, not watching "Regis and Kelly" and "The View", I was pretty immediately struck by why I've been doing what I've been doing. Quite simply, I've been taking the easiest route. Being tired like I am pretty much all the time, reading is, I'm embarrassed to admit, kind of CHALLENGING (I READ very well--always have--but as I was reading this morning, I just found myself struggling to stay FOCUSED). And this kinda/sorta "people contact" that television and the internet provides distracts me from the fact that I'm ALONE (I'm in a real TRAP about being alone, btw. I've been alone most of my life, and while I feel like I'm never going to "get used to it", I'm increasingly unable to imagine anything ELSE, and fear that the loneliness will only become more profound over time).

But anyway, a lot of my "pocket journal" thoughts over the past day or two have centered around the idea of "getting down to basics".

I think my tendency mentally is to complicate things. As an actor, I'm attracted to "drama", and if there really ISN'T any in my life, I seem to manufacture it out of thin air.

But it ain't helping. Instead of complicating things, then getting LOST in those complications, creating emotional drama and strife where it doesn't need to exist, I want to move towards SIMPLIFYING things, and saving the "drama" for my acting.

And I'm afraid we're out of time. Work beckons

(END)

Thinking about what I want/need to do before work today...

I have to get a few things at the grocery store (litter, Diet Coke, bananas), and finish looking through the "Backstage" listings (They update today or tomorrow, I forget which). If there's time after that, I should look over the show (I had to call for lines one too many times at the last rehearsal, and we open a week from Friday), and maybe pick up a bit around the domicile.

Last night when I got home was kind of nice. Having spent most of my morning working on acting stuff, and most of my day at work, I felt almost guilt-free when I got home and just messed-about

(Did you notice I felt ALMOST guilt-free? I noticed that).

I tried to watch tv, but the "Buffy" was a repeat, as was "NYPD Blue" (And when I realized I could watch "Smallville" instead, which is a good show that's on at the same time, it was a repeat as well). So I ended up in Diaryland, but then started chatting with Lauren, so that kind of went by the wayside (If you read yesterday's "entry", btw, which I've since deleted, that came from the conversation with Lauren; I was talking about how I get frustrated when people don't update their journals all the time, but how maybe everyone doesn't feel the NEED to "record every burp and fart like I do". Then I did an imaginary entry--"Dear Diaryland, Today I passed gas. Felt better afterwards. Will write more tomorrow..."--and Lauren thought I should make it an actual ENTRY. I was afraid people wouldn't "get it," so that's why I deleted it).

(One more "tv note"; The practice of putting a show "on hiatus" while they put a new show in its time slot really ANNOYS me. They're doing that right now with "Philly", putting the new Sally Field show "The Court" on in its place. The attitude of network execs seems to be "They're such mindless couch-potatoes they'll watch WHATEVER'S on in that time slot!" The fact that they might have a POINT is no EXCUSE!)

_________________________________________________

Just got back from the grocery store.

While I was there, I did something else that I've been thinking about lately; Along with my groceries, I got $10 cash back.

Not a big deal, you don't think? A pretty normal transaction, you say? Well, yes it IS, but something I've been thinking about recently is what little "improvements" I can make to the way I DO things, and one "improvement" is to get cash back at the grocery store, since I can get it in smaller increments than I can at an atm, where the minimum seems to be $20 (If I don't HAVE $20, I'm not going to SPEND $20, you see).

Essentially, I'm cutting back my allowance. I don't have the money to spend $80 a month on entertainment, and at this point, I don't need that much anyway. On one of my days off, I'll usually just go to a movie, usually at the Los Feliz, and eat some junk food (Speaking of which, it's okay to have Burger King once a week, and it's okay to buy candy and pop to eat during the movie, but not BOTH. That's just not HEALTHY, for me OR my tiny pocketbook).

How can I cut back, cut down, in ways that don't feel punitive? What's not strictly necessary for my general health and well-being?

I was thinking the other day that it really comes down to learning to "take care of myself". Not saying, "I can NEVER have a candy bar" or "I can NEVER veg in front of the tv", but just being a good PARENT to myself and setting some LIMITS.

I want to "feel good" but I think over the years I've come to confuse "feeling good" with anesthetizing (sp?) myself. Not so much "feeling good" as "trying not to feel BAD".

I want to figure out what it takes for me to ACTUALLY "feel good".

_________________________________________________

I feel like I've kind of "buried the lead" in today's entry...

At work, early after I got there yesterday, I took a moment to thank John O. again, saying I appreciated feeling like he was "in my corner", in terms of trying to work schedule things out for me and whatnot (Besides the practical stuff like that, I've also just enjoyed him as a person. It feels like we're "friends").

Since coming out here, I've felt like it was really important that people know how much I appreciate what they do for me, the kindnesses they extend, or just how much I LIKE them, whether it's Jane, or Cary & Kay, or John O., or whomever. I think it's a good thing for me to keep in my head--Nobody OWES me, so anything I get from people is something to really appreciate and be grateful for--and I think it's good to let people KNOW you're appreciative.

(It might sound OBVIOUS to my readership out there, but it's hit me as some big REVELATION.)

Anyway...shortly before I was going to leave for the evening, I was at the info counter with John and Michael C., one of the other managers.

Michael brought up the subject of journalling. I wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to KNOW, but my sense was that he wanted to start one himself, and wondered how I "keep up with it" (I told him, from other people sharing their failed attempts at journalling with me, that people seem to fail at it most when they make it a CHORE. I think if I started saying I HAD to write in here so many times a week, or in such and such a way, I'd soon stop doing it MYSELF).

Well, John was listening to all this--He's a writer, btw--and asked me about my computer (I forget how he phrased it exactly, but basically he was asking if I was happy with my current machine).

(John and I have talked about writing in general, and my online journal in particular, a few times before.)

I have an IBM Aptiva I bought in 98, that was a closeout model at the time. It's got a 200 mhz processor and a 2.1 gig hard drive, so by current standards, it's old and slow and very small. But that's not so much an issue for me as the ongoing anxiety I've had over what I'll do when it dies(I'd rush out and get a NEW one is what I'd DO, but I'd be pretty stressed about incurring that kind of expense, at least the way things currently stand).

John told me that he recently got a new computer (At a special deal when he signed up for a DSL package), and asked me if I'd like his old Sony Vaio.

For free.

I didn't even ask him for details about it, but when I told him I had a 200 mhz processor, he said, "You HAVE to have this machine".

I wanted to kiss him right in the middle of the store, but I know that's how rumours get started, so I refrained.

Have I mentioned that I really LIKE this guy?

Well HELL, I really just want to journal on here--there's lots of stuff I haven't gotten to--but I'm out of time.

(Speaking of time, another time-waster I'm going to dispense with is laying down to NAP. I don't have a problem with it if I'm tired and I'm actually going to SLEEP, but if I'm just going to LAY there, there's really no POINT.)

 

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