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1:50 pm - FRI 1/18/02 FRI 1/18/02 10:05 pm (Offline) Do you ever change some routine of yours, just because you don't want to be "in a rut", then when you do, you remember "Oh...THAT'S why I started doing things that way"? ******************************************************************************* The past couple days, I've been in a good mood, maybe the best since I've been out here (And I find myself wondering if that's why I haven't had any "morning sickness" for the past three days and counting?). I was chatting with Lauren last night, and she wondered if my good mood was why I hadn' t written in Diaryland in a week. It's a reasonable assumption, since I mentioned something to that effect in Diaryland recently, but that wasn't the case; Actually, I started the week of non-Diarylanding in the worst, most depressive FUNK since maybe getting out here. I think I was still smarting over the Shakespeare audition, and was feeling continuing pressure over the car, over my mysterious physical problem, and even over a supervisory position that had opened up at the bookstore (How can I suffer so much over having no money, then when a chance to make MORE money opens up, not JUMP at it? But what can I SAY? I'm actually pretty okay with my current job; I don't really want the added pressure of a supervisory position in my life, and I don't want to feel more "tied down" by Borders than I am now. Basically, I just want to do what I'm doing, but have it PAY more). Anyway, things hit an emotional low when I woke up one morning, and the first thought that jumped into my mind was "I want to go HOME...". I was tired and depressed and anxious, and I just didn't want to feel so BAD anymore. But even THAT thought was stressful and upsetting, because I found myself thinking "Go home to WHAT?" Go home, to the knowledge that I'd quit trying to realize my dream before I really started? Go home, to try and recreate a life that wasn't satisfying to me in the first place? Go home, and feel, in a way, more alone than I've usually felt out here? (Back in Lansing, I saw Mark and Jane and Kevin, on average, once a week; Here, I'm in almost constant contact, through e-mails and IMs). Go home, and wonder for the rest of my days if I could have made something happen if I'd just stuck it out? But I was just so TIRED. And I kept thinking, "Oh my God...I'm falling apart, and I haven't even gotten up to the STARTING line yet...!". I was wrestling with my darkest, "You-just-don't-have-it-in-you", loser-ish thoughts. So a couple days ago, I saw Jane online, and I asked her if she would call me. She did--with Mark on the other line--and as the girls might say, "I had a good cry". It was cathartic--I've TOLD people here that I'm "struggling a bit" (I'm embarrassed to talk about it, but at the same time, I'm not the kind of guy who can just keep things inside forever), but there's a big difference between saying something like that, letting just a SLIVER of "the real you" show, and admitting to someone that you're feeling tired and weak and small, that you feel like giving up, that you "just want to go HOME"--but I think it was more MEANINGFUL than mere "catharsis". What was meaningful to me was not so much that I got to express myself--which DID make me feel better--but what Mark and Jane expressed to me. One of my ongoing worries out here has been what I would do if/when an acting thing conflicted with Borders. Obviously, I didn't come out here to work at BORDERS, but that said, what would I do if a low paying or non-paying acting thing conflicted with the flow of money coming in (Even if that "flow" would be more accurately described as a "trickle")? How can I be out here and pass up acting things, which is why I'm HERE, but by the same token, how can I BE here with no MONEY coming in? Well, Mark threw something out that just floored me with the love and generosity it demonstrated--He said if a situation came up where an acting thing conflicted with Borders, to TAKE the acting thing, and they would "help me out" through any rough spots.. It's hard for me to describe how much that meant to me. Not so much in a PRACTICAL sense--That's not the kind an offer you really want to take advantage of--but EMOTIONALLY. I've told a few people in the days since that it's hard to maintain a posture of being "all alone in the world" when people are so overtly in my corner. Mark and Jane have proven, time and again, that they're with me for the duration. I've wanted a family, I've wanted loving parents, I've wanted people who wouldn't give up on me. And it's taken me this long to fully realize that in Mark and Jane, I have the "parents" I always wanted. And if they're so anxious to help me, if they're so willing to extend a helping hand, if they care about me as much as they do, the least I can do is do my best to help MYSELF. This is a big part of why I'm in the good spirits I'm in, but it's not the ONLY reason. One of the things that's been getting to me here is the feeling that the issues are too COMPLICATED. I've felt like I just don't know how to make my way through the thicket of questions and conflicts that arise from my being out here, trying to do what I want to do. BUT... The vast majority of the "questions and conflicts that arise from my being out here" are generated completely in my own mind. Take the "conflict" with work, for example. I've been so worried and scared over the POTENTIAL of a conflict with work, that I haven't really been LOOKING for acting stuff, at least not in any serious way. Truth to tell, I have no real IDEA how much of a conflict acting might prove to be with Borders--How COULD I know, when "acting" could mean anything from a one day extra gig to a two month run of a non-paying play, to a six month movie shoot on location somewhere?--but till now, I've preferred to avoid even the POSSIBILITY of "conflict". I've been afraid of having to make a decision that would be tremendously upsetting and stressful no matter WHAT I decided. Another issue has been not having a car, at least not one that I can feel confident about. Again, I've been operating on the assumption of "No car, no acting". But again, how can I KNOW that not having a car leaves me dead in the water? Maybe the big opportunity is a meeting with an agent or a casting director than I can readily get to on the bus, or on my bike. Maybe I get involved with one of the theaters on Santa Monica, that I could practically WALK to from work. Maybe the Corsica has just enough life left in it to get me to the gig that pays enough money for me to buy the NEXT car. I've acted as if I was all prepared to get started...once all the possible obstacles clear out of the way first. But how can I even KNOW where the "obstacles" are going to lie? And who lives in a world where it's just a straight shot from where they ARE to where they want to BE? On a very important level, it's very simple; I know what I want, and I have to act as if there ARE no obstacles. I have to "feel the fear and do it anyway". I have to TRUST, in the universe, in the people who care about me, and most importantly, in myself. But I've gotta fly. I'm off to my appointment with Dr Strom, the gastroenterologist (This is just a consultation, so I'm not going to be finding out anything definitive today).
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