10:02 pm - Sun 4.03.2011
For some time now, seems the more I have to write about, the less I write. It's troubling.
(But more on this troubling trend later...)
In happy financial news: I finally received a very nice check from the Budweiser Superbowl spot.
It's been a long time coming...at least in my head.
The previous week, I'd emailed JS - my commercial agent - saying "Shouldn't we have gotten something from Budweiser by now?" (At that point, all I'd gotten was the shoot fee).
I was basically just "shaking the trees", hoping some money would fall out. Cause as you might have noticed, I've been feeling a mite anxious about finances of late.
Anyway, JS replied, saying a "holding fee" was coming my way (Which I received a few days later in the mail).
Then I got an email from him this past week, letting me know "the mother lode" had arrived, and if I wanted to pick it up that day, I could stop by the office with my checkbook (To cut him a commission check), otherwise he'd get a check out to me by the end of the week.
I was at his office within the hour.
Mon 4/4/11 (1:20 pm))
Where was I...?
At JS's office, there were actually a number of checks from Budweiser, and JS had put a blue post-it on top of them with a dollar amount in the hundreds written on it.
I started to write his commission check, for 10% of the amount on the post-it - thinking he had totaled the combined amount of the checks for me - when JS said, "No Jim, that's my commission".
I did a little "happy dance" right there.
Before this infusion of cash, I don't think I was really as bad off as I was imagining, but be that as it may, I was feeling quite stressed over the lack of acting money coming in - I've booked one small tv job so far this year - so the Budweiser "mother lode" was a big relief.
(I don't know how much of a relief it'll turn out to be, but it's possible I'll be okay for the year now, when you consider there'll be at least some additional Bud money, my Weight Watchers salary, and whatever tv/commercial jobs I book coming up, going into the pot.)
The capital-H "Happiness" caused by this injection of cash has already faded - amazing how quickly other worries have rushed in to take the place of my fiscal anxieties - but it's still nice to think, for now, that "I'm going to be okay".
I mentioned earlier how it bothers me that, the more I have on my mind to write about in here, the less I actually write.
Jane, who's archiving my Diaryland entries, sends me stats every year, and those stats show, overall, that I'm writing less with each successive year.
There are some specific reasons that's happening that relate to frustration with my writing, fear of "revealing myself" and what-have-you, but the thing that struck me recently was that it's also a general trend - I don't do much of anything anymore.
I'm writing less than I used to, I barely read anymore (Except what I read on the Internet, which doesn't feel like it counts), I don't draw, I barely play harmonica (Or guitar), etc and so forth.
I basically go to work, go to auditions, go to the movies with Howard, watch tv, and surf the Internet.
Of those activities, far and away, the lion's share of my time is taken up by the TV & the Internet - I am really and truly addicted.
I want to pull back from that abyss, because it hit me the other day that "I'm losing who I am"; I'm not just a "watcher", but also a "reader" and a "thinker" and a "writer" and a "creative person".
Or at least I used to be.
The underlying fear, and challenge, that's made me so dependent - first on TV and now the Internet - is "being alone" and "dealing with boredom".
TV and the Internet are addicting because they provide comfort, both for my loneliness (I always kinda/sorta "have people around"), and for my boredom (There's always something I can watch/do/read on the Internet, and now Facebook makes me feel like I'm part of a "community", when I'm really just sitting alone at home).
Recently, I read that one thing you should do to sleep better is turn off the TV and the Internet (Any electronic screens, really) at least an hour or so before you go to bed.
I can't remember the last time I did that...but I'm trying to do it now, and it's pretty sobering how difficult it is for me.
Actually, at this point, I'm just doing it a half-hour before I go to bed - trying to work my way up to an hour - and finding it hard to figure out what to do with myself.
I think if I stick with it, I'll get back "my old self", but I'm stunned that my attention span/concentration is so shot, that "I've let things come to this".
But that's okay - What counts is that I'm doing something about it.
And this is part of it - Yes, technically I'm still "on the Internet" when I write in here, but it's active, and at least somewhat "creative", and that's better than spending most of my waking life looking for something on a screen to entertain me.
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