11:12 pm - Fri 10.22.2010
Mourning A \"Normal Life\"

Looks like I've come up a big goose-egg on the two auditions I had Weds (for a Pepsi Max commercial, and to play the "Coroner" on Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior).

Disappointing.

During the time I had between the CM:SB pre-read and the producer session, I wrote a little "off-line" journal entry.

In it, I wrote that

...this has to be marked as a "win", even if I don't book it; it's the 2nd time this month I've had an audition for something bigger than I'm normally called in for, and done well with it. I'm "on their radar". And that makes me feel like "If not this time...then the next". I'm starting to get my chances to "move to the next level", and, sooner or later, it's gonna happen.

I made a point of writing myself that sentiment at that particular time, because I was feeling it, and I wanted to remember it...and I knew there was a distinct chance I wouldn't feel it or remember it afterward, if I ended up (as it's turned out) not booking the gig.

The bigger, better gigs are coming. I just have to hang on, and have faith.

(Nowhere Boy is a biopic about pre-Beatles John Lennon.)

As I told Howard afterward, I had the mixed feeling I often have when reading books/seeing movies about artists I admire who had rough childhoods - On a personal level, I feel for the kid who had to go through that (particularly given my own rough childhood), but at the same time, I think "If they hadn't had those troubles, they probably wouldn't have had the need to express themselves the way they did, and my world would be much less interesting and enjoyable".

So, because I'm a big Beatles fan, three cheers for John Lennon's crappy childhood!

On the way to the WW meeting last Saturday, her and her friend rescued a female kitten who was right in the middle of Venice Blvd.

She basically offered me "first dibs" on her, but I was busy working, and another member who's into rescuing cats grabbed her and left.

...which is just as well - It's been awhile since Kipper took ill (And I had him put to sleep), but I'm still feeling like I'm too poor for pet ownership (Though I was tempted - The kitty in question was pretty darned adorable).

For example, when I wrote about voice-overs, I didn't write about the most difficult "issue" I'm having around voice-over work: Much of it is non-union (Like Kaptara, the animated movie I thought I was going to be auditioning for).

This merits a journal entry all by itself, but in a nutshell, I'm not comfortable with taking non-union work - Because, for one thing, when I signed with the union, I said I wouldn't, and for another, I'm afraid to.

(Apparently, "everybody does it", and apparently, "no one ever gets caught". But if I were the "one in a million" who somehow did get caught, and I was bounced from the Union, where would I be then?)

It's been an interesting, odd, and altogether unpleasant situation to be in - to say "no" to auditions I want to have, for work I want to do, and for money I would like to make.

But that's where we are.

At least for now.

When I was younger, I just assumed my life was going to go in what I perceived to be "normal" directions - I expected that I was going to go to college, get married, have kids, etc.

I assumed this "normal life" was somehow going to happen automatically, even though my early circumstances were decidedly not normal, and - partly as a result - I was not normal.

From time to time - like now, for instance - I wonder if I haven't, to a certain extent, spent my life stuck in that dream of a "normal life", unable to let go, to mourn for the existence that was never going to happen for me, too fearful to forge a more individual trail.

But right now, I have to "let go" of the dream of figuring this all out in one journal entry, and go to bed...just like "normal people" do when they have to work in the morning.

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