11:18 PM - Tues 11.11.14
Speaking To The Multitudes

I've been actively avoiding writing in here, not sure why.

I think I tend, when writing in here, and I don't quite know my own state of mind, to "push" things toward upset and depression and anxiety, when my "reality" is actually more...complicated.

In other words - Yes, I'm depressed and anxious, but I'm not just depressed and anxious.

(Did that make any sense...?)

Anyway...the Shameless "wrap party" was on Saturday, at Sound night club in Hollywood.

Soon as I got the notice, I knew I was going, even though the last one - season before last (They don't do them every year, for whatever reason) - was mostly awkward and uncomfortable.

Not to mention disappointing, because "no one who was anyone" showed up - no Macy, no Emmy Rossum, no John Wells, nobody - which is pretty disappointing when you're talking about your first real "wrap party" (I'd been to an Austin and Ally wrap party previously, but because it was a Disney kids show, that was basically just a pizza party at a bowling alley with the kids and their families).

Anyway, as the night approached, I started to feel very anxious; parties in general haven't "worked" for me - in the sense of actually enjoying myself - in years, and I was thinking this would just be "Shameless Wrap Party: The Sequel" (Meaning, "like the last one, only not as good").

And for awhile, that's exactly how it was playing out; the only person I knew when I got there was my buddy Mike ("Tommy" on the show), I felt awkward and immediately was struggling with wanting to eat too much (As we were being approached with appetizers by attractive servers every other minute or so).

But after a time - I'm sure it was only just a half-hour, forty-five minutes, though it felt longer - the stand-ins on the show came in (Who are all women, interestingly enough), and pretty quickly "got the party started" on the dance floor.

Even though my knees are bothering me a lot these days (More on that later), and as a dancer, I've lost a step or two - or three - with age and just not dancing much anymore, I acquitted myself pretty well, getting a number of compliments, which was both gratifying for my ego, and just plain fun (I think people were "grading on the curve" - You probably don't look at an ugly, 50-something white guy and automatically think "I bet he's a really good dancer", so if you're the ugly, 50-something white guy in question, you get points for just having a sense of rhythm - but at this point, "grading on the curve" or not, I'll take it).

At one point, Mike said, "You are so getting laid tonight...!", which reminded me I have absolutely no game when it comes to "getting laid"; I live in a pigsty, I drive a 1990 Toyota Carolla (Which is also a pigsty. And I didn't even drive it to the club - I rode my bike), I don't have any money, and I find it difficult-bordering-on-impossible at this point to believe that someone I find desirable might actually desire me back (If you're going to bring up Janet at this point, nice try - seems pretty clear at this juncture that she didn't "desire me" all that much).

And I've never really known what to say - or had the confidence - to "move things in that direction" (It's telling that, in my only two serious relationships, it was the woman who initiated things).

So anyway, there was a lot of dancing, and that alone made this party better than the last one (which was basically just hours of trying to make small talk, in between awkwardly wandering around, looking for a place to "land" - my definition of "social hell").

And both Bill Macy and Emmy Rossum showed up (Along with three or four of the other series regulars), which I thought was very cool (I didn't have any contact with Macy, but did talk briefly to Emmy Rossum, which was nice).

So the Shameless party ended up being fun, fun enough that I was glad I went (Unlike most parties I go to), but it wasn't without some social/sexual awkwardness, at least in my head (And this kind of goes back to Mike's "You are so getting laid tonight...!" comment).

At one point, when I was dancing with someone, the dancing got kinda/sorta "sexy" (my partner pressing against me), and, basically, I didn't know how "seriously" to take it - 99 times out of a hundred, when a woman flirts with me (even on the dance floor), it's just that (meaningless flirting), and the last thing she wants is for anything to actually happen.

(In this scenario, I'm playing the role of a non-threatening gay guy, or - better analogy in my case - harmless old man, who the woman can play around with, specifically because she knows nothing is going to happen.)

But sometimes, that "one time in a hundred" is happening, there is a little "spark", and because I never expect it, I miss it.

So was Saturday night just flirting that didn't mean anything, or was it the "one time in a hundred" where someone was actually "into me", where there was the "spark" of an attraction, and I missed it?

I have no idea...

Well, I now feel like I've beaten the wrap-party to death in here, but what can I say? It's basically the only journal-worthy thing that's happened of late.

And it closed the books on another season of Shameless.

It was disappointing to only get three episodes this year, but as I've said before, I got a lot of "bang for my buck"; they were all guest-stars (with the $250-an-episode raise my agents secured for me), two of my three bits stretched over more than one scene - a rarity in my career so far - and of course, I got to go to Chicago (And got three shoot days out of that episode).

So I appreciate what I got from Shameless this season, I really do, but what can I say? Three episodes are nice...but six or seven would have been a lot better (Particularly in light of the fact that absolutely nothing else has happened this year).

I feel myself wanting to do my annual "year end wrap-up" here, but while the year might be almost over, it's not over yet, and I'm still holding out hope - there's not enough year left to make up for everything that hasn't happened up till now, but there's still time for me to book something nice, to "end on a high note" as it were.

And what I just wrote speaks to the "nuance" that I think is sometimes lost in here - I often paint myself as an Eeyore-ish character, and I most definitely wrestle with feeling "down" a lot of the time. But by the same token, I'm the guy who came out here when I was just shy of forty, and thirteen years later, is still plugging away, and haven't given up yet. And - Shameless notwithstanding - I am having unequivocally the worst year I've had, basically since the beginning of my time here, but in the last six weeks or so of 2014, I'm still pulling for something good to happen, still hoping for "just one good job". I struggle, but if I didn't have any hope, any sense of optimism, I wouldn't still be here.

Was it Walt Whitman who wrote of himself as "containing multitudes"?

Well, that's me all over.

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