11:34 AM - Mon 6.15.15
The Tears Of A Fast-Food Clown

I don't really know where to start...

It doesn't feel like anything's going on, really, but at the same time, I feel a - I don't know what to call it - a build-up of "pressure"?

There's probably a connection there - when "nothing's going on", that's more time and mental energy I can devote to upsetting myself (something I've always been very good at) - but "moving on"...

I did have two commercial auditions this past week, and since this time of year is a virtual "dead zone" for tv stuff, it was nice to still be getting money-making opportunities.

In one spot - which would air in the UK and Ireland - I was going in for the role of pole-dancing construction worker.

Writing that just now, it struck me that an actual construction worker might have worked better in the role, with possibly the upper-body strength to climb up a pole, or at least hold himself stationary on a pole.

Cause "upper body strength" is most definitely not my thing.

I did what I could, mind you - I can dance (enough still to look like I maybe could have been a dancer "back in the day"), and I can act like I think I'm hot sex personified (even if I feel more like Quasimodo), and in context, that's not nothing - but if you want me doing tricks on a stripper pole, you'll either have to put me on a serious training regimen, or add a lot of CGI to your budget.

The camera-guy running the audition was complimentary - cause I clearly knew what they were looking for - but I sort of felt like I embroidered all around the spot without being able to actually do the spot.

(So I'm holding out hope I was the best they got. They asked for guys who looked "past their prime", after all - which is not insulting at all - so how much athleticism were they expecting? And in the fantasy I've concocted, they might go with me and just figure out how to "fudge" the "pole" part of "pole-dancer". In any case, it will be more-interesting-than-usual to see if I get the callback.)

The other spot was for a fast food place, as an unhappy court jester.

That seemed really "in my wheelhouse", in terms of my hangdog appearance and what people make of it (not to mention my "deadpan" skills). But I left feeling less good about what happened in the room than with the "pole-dancer" one where I couldn't really execute what they were specifically asking for.

Go figure.

(Maybe because, execution aside, it's more fun to act "sexier" than I am in real life, instead of just "more depressed"?)

While writing this, I keep checking my phone, hoping for the call or text that will let me know I have a callback or audition (I just turned the ringer on, so I won't have an excuse to check obsessively). I probably don't have to tell you, if you've followed along in here for any period of time - I'm unhealthily obsessed with this shit.

Seriously.

In all likelihood, nothing's going to happen with tv until at least the end of July/early August (That's a little counter-intuitive to me - It seems like there are now shows debuting in the fall, in the summer, and everywhere in between, so why wouldn't there be opportunities all year round? - but "it is what it is").

And just because things in general "will rev back up" toward the end of July or early August doesn't mean anything will happen for Yours Truly - I can only hope what's felt like an epic drought in tv auditions will come to an end soon.

I thought Shameless was going to start back up in June (My friend Mike M. told me Emmy Rossum had said something to that effect in an interview awhile back).

That would have been earlier than usual...but now it looks like it's actually going to be sometime in August, later than usual (Macy is apparently directing another movie, which I think was the reason we started late the last time we started late).

Early, late, I don't know if it makes any difference in the big scheme-of-things; on the one hand, it might have been nice to go early, when not much else was happening - the better to avoid potential scheduling conflicts (though I should be so lucky, to have to worry about "scheduling conflicts") - but on the other hand, the last time we started later, in Season Four, I ended up shooting six episodes of the show in a single calendar year.

(This was last year - Because of the delay in shooting, I shot three episodes of Season 4 at the beginning of the year, finishing out the season, and three episodes of Season Five in the summer and fall. And that, in addition to residuals, saved my sorry ass, since 2014 was "The Year That Will Live In Infamy", where - for the first time ever - I didn't book any new work through the entire year.)

So, while last year at this time might have felt better, in a way - cause at this point last year, I'd shot three episodes of the show - I am clearly having a more successful year thus far (Even if it's entirely about commercials, when I'd like tv to be happening too).

And even though I'm wrestling with anxiety and depression and general "bad thoughts" that I just can't seem to shake, the fact that I've actually booked work has been encouraging (Not to mention at least somewhat financially-rewarding). Because there's nothing like booking gigs to give you the feeling you might book more gigs going forward.

Or at least remind you that it's possible.

But I can't help but wish for more - More/better gigs, and more/better...everything in life that isn't "Acting".

Saw Jurassic World with Howard earlier today.

I was underwhelmed.

Spy, however, which I saw last week, was way more fun than I'd expected.

Anyway...

There's something that's been bothering me, and it bothers me that it bothers me...but it bothers me, at least right now.

And that's "other people's success".

And in no case does it have anything to do with the other person - It's all about not feeling good about myself and where I am in life - but right now, the good fortune of others is just eating me up inside.

(And yes, I am aware that "It's all relative", and there are undoubtedly people "being eaten up inside" by my "good fortune", which is sad for them. But the difference is those people are being stupid, and I'm not.)

I have a callback for the fast food spot, early tomorrow afternoon (from the audition I felt "less good about" than the one where I failed Pole-Dancing 101).

I was feeling more enthused about the possibilities of the other spot - and it's still possible I could get a call about that one tomorrow - but I think the fast-food thing could be fun (And it would be nice to do something that people I know might actually see, though I assume it's just a regional spot, and I don't actually quite know where the chain in question operates).

It would be nice to "put another notch on the belt" this year (I obsess over booking a National, but if that's not gonna happen, I'll take a number of smaller spots in its stead. Why not?).

I need the money, and want to keep up my insurance benefits, and it would be fun to do something kinda/sorta like "acting".

But honestly, it's also about just wanting to rack up some wins.

And a lot of that's pure ego...but it's also about it being a confidence builder - It's way easier to walk into auditions feeling upbeat and hopeful when you just booked a gig a week or two before, than when nothing's happening.

Had the callback.

Felt pretty "meh", as the kid's say.

Will be surprised if anything comes of it, but as I've said before, I'm totally okay if I end up being wrong on this.

In any case, I've crashed pretty bad in the hours since.

Which is pretty much the way things have gone for awhile now - something happens to make me feel excited or hopeful or whatever, it happens, it's over, and I'm back in the shit.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

It's not exactly new - I remember thinking, a very long time ago, that "I feel like I'm depressed most of the time and have moments where I feel good, and it feels like it should be the opposite" - but there's a "this is the end-of-the-line" feeling dogging me that, perhaps understandably, wasn't there 20 or 30 years ago, and which makes this feel it's just gonna be the way of things, from now till "the sweet release of death"...which I seem to think can't be more than 25 years away.

Well, again I feel like there's more to write about - and I actually didn't want to make this all about "acting" - but I think what I'll do is finish this here, and make my next entry about anything but "Acting".

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