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12:45 pm - Sat 6/29/02 (To the people who asked about the title of my last entry; It means "Don't be discouraged". I'm not bi-lingual--these days, I barely feel lingual--but it was in some junk mail I got from Amnesty International, and I liked the sound of it.) I haven't wanted to write, because I've been very much about despair these past few days. And, 1)I know a little despair goes a long way, and, 2)In my state of mind, I thought an intensely depressed Diaryland entry would only serve to make me...well, more "intensely depressed". It started early in the week, though I didn't recognize it at the time... I was putting some receipts into my checkbook, and saw that, if my figures were correct, it would be touch-and-go as to whether I'd be able to make rent this month (There would also be a question of eating, doing laundry, etc., but the rent thing struck me as the biggie somehow). I worried a bit, but not as much as you might think; By my accounting, I've gone into "negative numbers" a couple times since being here, and have somehow managed to emerge on the other side (Currently, I think I have $496 and change in my checking account. The bank says I have quite a bit more). Then on Thursday, the real trouble began... It was around noon, and I had just finished sending out a couple of headshots, when it struck me--"Jim, it's Thursday, and you didn't move the car...!" (A quick note; The street sweeper does the opposite side of my street on Wednesday from 8-10 am. Then it does the side of the street in front of my apartment on Thursday, also from 8-10 am. And if you are parked in the way of the street sweeper, you get a $40 ticket.) Even though the damage had already been done, I went out to my car, I guess hoping against hope that I had been spared. I had not. I raged a bit, then decided, as long as I was throwing money down a hole, that I might as well go get the smog check I needed (In order to be completely legal in the eyes of the California DMV). Now, when I use the phrase "throwing money down a hole", I am referring to the smog check itself, which I assumed would be somewhere between 40-50 dollars. I didn't for a second consider the possibility that my car might not pass the smog check. It didn't. The place where I had the check done only does the check, so I had to go to another place to get it fixed. I found myself hoping against hope that it would be a minor thing. It wasn't. Not unless you consider $310 "minor"...which I don't. I was devastated. I decided to pick the car up the next day, rather than wait around for it (What I'd thought was going to take a few minutes was turning out to take the entire afternoon), and as I walked away from the place, I just started sobbing. (There was more fun the next day, when I went to pick up the car, then for a time, was having problems getting the passenger side windows to roll up. I thought to myself, "That's just perfect...", but fortunately, they did decide to roll up eventually. I guess there's some sort of short in the wiring or something. I do have air-conditioning, though, and the driver side window seems to be fine, so it could be worse.) So Thursday cost me about almost $400 total. And suddenly, even though I'd put that on a credit card--It wasn't like I'd just overdrawn my checking account or anything--I found myself panic-stricken about my money situation. (Well, I hate to cut this short, cause I know you're on the edge of your seats out there with this fiscal tale of woe, but I have to lay down for a bit before work. I'll try to take this up again when I get home tonite, or early tomorrow morning, if you want to get technical.
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