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1:15 PM - Sun 11.14.21

The Eventual Demise Of Me And Everyone I Care About

(Well, starting this entry out enraged - Just accidentally deleted what I've been writing for the past couple hours - but we're going to put that behind us, stop punching ourselves in the head, and move on...)

After four nights in the hospital, Jane is back home.

The last entry I wrote? Where I was all happy and shit because she had a temporary condition called "Broken-Heart Syndrome" (aka "stress cardiomyopathy")? Which made it sound like her heart just had a panic attack?

Well, that was the opinion of one of the cardiologists on the case.

Upon looking at the tests, the other guy on the case said, "I'm not 100% sure about your police work there, Lou..." (Or words to that effect). So more tests were run.

And while said tests were being run, it was discovered that, over and above any "heart stuff", she also had a pulmonary embolism (Which I'd say makes it kind of a good thing she was in the hospital, since a pulmonary embolism can "un-alive" you in a hurry).

And she had indeed had a small heart attack, due to something called Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection (aka SCAD).

(She might also have experienced "Broken-Heart Syndrome"...but now that it's "in addition to" and not "instead of" a more serious condition, I'm way less enamored of it - In fact, I kind of think it can go fuck itself for teasing me.)

So she's been sent home with various pills and potions, and is scheduled to see her cardiologist on Wednesday - And I am hoping the offshoot of that visit will be more clarity in terms of what's happened and "the way forward".

As you might imagine, this has been something of an emotional whirlwind for Jane (Which I'm not going to get into because, 1. That's her story to tell and not mine, and, 2. She's in the middle of sorting things out herself).

On my end, I've been caught very off-guard by all this.

She's only a few weeks past her third cancer surgery in less than a year. And that being the case, I wasn't expecting her to be blindsided by another medical threat - It just seems a tad...excessive.

"Unfair" even.

But there's no law that says serious medical conditions have to politely wait in line for their turn at-bat.

And there's no law that says serious medical conditions have to avoid me or the people I care about - Particularly as we all just keep getting older.

But I don't much care for it.

She's been told to rest (Since she was already resting - with her surgical recovery - I guess now she has to rest extra-hard), and has four new medications to put on her training table.

I'm telling myself that after she rests, and when these new medications are just part of her daily routine, and she's "tweaked" her lifestyle in the ways her cardiologist tells her to (Though she seems to live a fairly healthy lifestyle, far as I can tell), she's going to "bounce back" and be herself. I don't think she's going to end up debilitated by this - I just don't see that as Jane's style.

Considering how obsessed by mortality I've become in recent years - obsessed about my mortality, mostly, but also that of my few close friends - and how neurotic I've always been, I'm surprised I haven't spent my days in a panic over the imminent demise of my friend Jane.

Don't get me wrong - I have had my bad days and dark thoughts (It would be kind of nutty if I didn't, under the circumstances) - but I've mostly just thought of all this as a "run of bad luck" for Jane, a bump in the road instead of a brick wall.

But that said, it still puts the issue of "mortality" front-and-center. I can't help but think "This isn't gonna get her...but something's gonna, eventually (That is, if something doesn't get me first)".

And far as I can see, there's nothing much to do with that fear, except to say, "Yeah, that's gonna happen someday. But not today".

(I hope.)

Till next time...



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