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1:54 pm - Weds 7/30/03
Needy, Needier, Neediest

Needy, Needier, Neediest

Tues 7/29/03 2:02 pm

I should feel good, or good about myself, or something--It's "Friday" here in Jimlandia, and I've gotten out 20 more agent submissions --But I don't.

Starting this morning. I felt a wave of bad feeling hit.

I thought it was because I wasn't doing anything, so I started doing the aforementioned submissions, but it didn't seem to make much difference.

I think it's just a bunch of little things, and some not-so-little things, "ganging up" on me; tasks I'm not getting accomplished, anxieties about money (Right alongside getting my little HBO check came the notice that it's time for my yearly 5% rent increase–another $26 a month–and the cut in hours at work), anxieties about work over-and-above the cuts in hours (The new manager/John O. leaving stuff), and a host of other things I don't have the time or inclination to get into right now.

Weds 7/30/03 11:12

Reading over my journal last night, I was really annoyed by the flagrant over-use of italics; a little of that crap goes a long way, and unfortunately, I passed "a little" some time ago.

So I'm going to try to go "italics-free" in the future, or more realistically (I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater here), at least take it down a notch--Emphasizing every other word in an entry indicates a distinct lack of trust, in myself as a writer, and in you (Whoever "you" may be) as a reader.

Anyway...Speaking of Diaryland and journals and such, I've "re-instated" all the journals I deleted from my favorites for the crime of not updating often enough.

I was frustrated over getting involved in these various "life stories", only to have people then not update for days, or sometimes weeks, at a time.Then it occurred to me--"Jim, if you get frustrated when people don't update their journals every day...don't check them every day!".

Simple solution, huh?

This speaks to something else I've been thinking about--I need to keep my yap shut about Jane being a "lifeline", how I get anxious and depressed when she's not available to email/chat with me, etc and so forth.

Same thing applies to Lauren, or anyone else I put a lot of pressure on to keep me entertained, to keep me from feeling lonely, whatever.

In the context of a larger chat recently, Jane and I had an exchange, brief but telling, that suggested she might be feeling a little oppressed over this sort of garbage, and I can't say I blame her; If the situation were reversed, would I want Jane suggesting that she goes to pieces when she doesn't hear from me on a daily basis?

(That was a rhetorical question, but the answer is "I would not".)

I also tend to harass Lauren for not updating her journal often enough to suit me, but you know something? She's not actually writing her journal for my edification; It's her journal, and she can write, or not write, as much as she likes.

In short, nobody likes a needy guy. And it's nobody's fault but my own that I'm not making friends out here; I don't think it helps my cause to hold the few relationships I do have in a death grip of "You're all I've got...".

That's not much fun for anyone concerned.

 

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