10:07 am - Mon 4/22/02
Jim learns some new tricks

Saw Kevin using italics in his "Diaryland" journal recently, so I asked Andrew, the "Diaryland" webmaster, just how one does that (I've always been uncomfortable with my "alternate italics", which have involved putting the word I want emphasized in CAPS).

Andrew introduced me to the wonder of HTML.

He showed me specifically how to do italics, then directed me towards a free website--bignosebird.com--that offers free HTML lessons, amongst other stuff.

Thanks Andrew!

Well, I was pretty mad about something that happened yesterday, but since it had absolutely nothing to do with my own behavior, there was no beating-myself-up involved.

I was on for the 3:00 "Crossing The Line" show yesterday. For a time, it looked like we weren't going to have enough people show up to actually do the show, but enough people wondered in off the street that we ending up doing it after all.

Anyway, we went on, and I don't know exactly why--Maybe because Mark wasn't there (He had a rehearsal for a show he's acting in) or there just weren't enough people in the audience to make it interesting for them--but my fellow cast members decided to totally blow off the show. They were laughing and joking and just doing things to amuse themselves onstage, not paying attention to what I was doing except to get their lines out...when they could be bothered.

This was happening while the show was going on.

In front of an audience.

I was furious. After the show was over, I left as quickly as I could, thinking that to say what I wanted to say wouldn't do anything but poison the environment for the rest of the run (Especially since I wasn't in the mood to say what was on my mind in a quiet tone-of-voice!).

They knew I was upset--I wasn't hiding it--but I'm not sure they understood why; They probably thought I was just angry that my own performance hadn't gone well (In reality, the only problem I had with my own performance during the run was that it had been sabotaged by my fellow cast-members!).

I was pretty angry right after the show, but thinking about it now, I feel more a sense of disappointment; Other than their tendency to not show up for rehearsals (And not call), I've enjoyed working with these people. It's a nice group of folks, and I think they're all very talented...except for JR.

To my way of thinking, I signed up to do this show, and whatever my "issues" with it, it's my job to do the best I can, no matter how small the audience. So to have the people I've come to like during this experience turn out to be amateur-hour, sub-community-theater actors, who don't have the professionalism to give every show their best effort...well, like I said, I was very disappointed.

(I expressed a concern in here at one point that I was presenting myself as "Saint Jim--The Patron Saint of Theatrical Professionalism". Well, this time out, I was "Saint Jim", and I don't care who knows it!)

Past couple days, I haven't seemed to know what to do with myself during my free time. I've been bored and lonely, and nothing that I could do has been something I want to do.

That said, I'm fascinated by the fact that I am, once again, dying to call in "sick" to work.

What do I want to do with all the extra "free time"? Be more bored and lonely? Feel more guilty about what I'm not doing that I should be doing?

And adding to my "fascination", work has been pretty all-right lately. Other than the continuing pressure of grinding poverty, I've been enjoying work. If it paid enough to live on, I'd be okay with doing it for awhile (As things stand, one source of "guilt" that I have is that I'm not making more of an effort to find someting else).

Anyway...I'm running into "getting ready for work time" here, so I have to go.

One more quick thing; I expressed concern to Jane over my 4/19 entry, feeling like I showed a little too much of my "inner crazy person".

She e-mailed me back, saying two things in particular I thought I bore repeating in here...

The first thing she said was that one of the reasons she wasn't about to "give up" on me was that "You're as smart as you are crazy".

I'm amused by that description. I also happen to think it's true.

The other thing she said was that she thought it was worthwhile to "demonstrate" what I'm talking about when I refer to having a problem with being "angry" or "frustrated" with myself. If I just "allude" to it, it can sound "whiny", but there's obviously a little more to it than that.

And if I'm not going to be honest with myself in here, if I'm not going to honest with YOU about who I am, and the things I'm working through, then what's the point?

Anyway, this crazy man has to go to work...

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