9:11 AM - Thurs 8.18.16
No News Is Bad News

I know dreams are not nearly as interesting to other people as they are to the dreamer, but here goes anyway (I don't remember my dreams very often, so when I do, I think it's worth noting)...

(I had this dream Tuesday morning.)

I work at a bookstore, and we're having a staff party.

I'm outside - I think I was inside, came out, and was looking to go back in, but I'm not really sure - and as I approach the door (where there's a security guy), I realize I can't think of the name of the store, and can't get in (Or back in, as the case may be).

(When I woke up, I thought that was odd - I still remembered my name, and that I worked there, so there should have been a way to work it out - but that was my thinking in the dream. Maybe it was at a venue where there were different private parties going on, so I had to identify the one I was with? In any case...)

This is pretty freaky, scary stuff, because I've worked at the store for a really long time (Though really, it would have been weird even if it were my first day on the job). But while I'm freaked-out at the memory loss, I still want to get back into the party (Which seems like it would be the least of my concerns at that juncture - Guess it must have been a great party!).

Then suddenly I'm somewhere - back home, I guess? - looking for anything from the bookstore that has the name on it. But even when I find something (I don't remember - a bag? a bookmark? a receipt?), weirdly, it doesn't have the name on it anywhere.

Then my alarm goes off, and in my dream, it signals that the party is over (Did I "lose track of time", and spend the rest of the night looking for something with the name of the bookstore on it?), and I wake up upset that I missed the party, and still can't remember the name of the place where I work.

Again, probably not terribly interesting to you, but interesting to me on a couple fronts:

1. In its thematic similarity to other dreams I've had (I'm typically alone, can't get where I want to go, am "lost" and can't get the help I need, and while nothing life-threatening is happening, feel tremendous anxiety).

2. In recognizable real-life elements of the dream (I worked at bookstores for 15 years, the party was more like a Shameless wrap-party than anything, and I don't know how many times I've had to comb through my cluttered, messy apartment, looking for a random name or phone-number).

3. In how it differs from dreams I've had in the past - Typically, when I've not been able to "get where I wanted to go" and was "lost", it's been me not being able to find my way onto a stage, not being unable to get back into a party. And while I've had dreams of "not knowing my lines", I don't recall ever having a dream that centered around losing some basic bit of information, like "the place where I work" (The memory loss, and the fear of what it means, is a relatively recent concern that has now, apparently, entered my "dreamscape" - Yay!).

Anyway, that's a thing that happened...in my head.

When it's been a long time between auditions, it's good when I finally get the call that I have something.

But because it's, sadly, somewhat out-of-the-ordinary (Have I mentioned lately that my auditions have really dropped off in the past couple years?), it can feel like an emergency, with all the stress that entails (Particularly when the audition conflicts with Weight Watchers).

Sure enough, the joy of getting an audition (for a good bit on a network comedy) quickly was overtaken by anxiety over not being able to find someone to fill in for me at Weight Watchers.

(While parking situations - from not having my own parking space for the first number of years I lived here, to my more recent misadventures - are my number one bitch about living in LA, the number one bitch about Weight Watchers, far and away, is when I have an audition and can't find a fill.)

Couldn't find anyone to do it, which was upsetting to me - I hate being in a position where I'm gonna have to be an asshole to somebody. And I hate that my focus has to be on getting my fucking day job squared away, when I want/need to be focused on the thing I fucking came here for.

Eventually, my friend Hillary (Who'd planned to take Tuesday off - She'd actually gotten someone to fill for her that day) agreed to work my shift, and I was free to turn my attention to the audition.

But to be honest, even though it's all said-and-done, I'm still feeling residual upset from the experience - It's a position I was very frustrated to be in (I just want to have an audition, go to the audition, and book the job. That's it. I have absolutely no patience for anything that gets in the way of that), and there's nothing I can really do to prevent it from happening again, short of quitting Weight Watchers. I guess I just have to figure out how to "adjust my attitude" and make it less of a crisis when it happens (Cause while I wish I were in a position to quit Weight Watchers/not work a day job, I'm not - I'm anxious and depressed as is, so I don't see how I'd emotionally deal with no regular income coming in. And have I mentioned in the last five minutes how my auditions have dropped off radically in recent years...?).

Anyway, the "pre-show drama" aside, the audition on Tuesday went very well, I thought.

The CD herself was not there (This was the office that brought me in for Brooklyn Nine-Nine), and that was a little disappointing, but the camera-person was nice, gave me three different "takes" on the scene (Which I liked, and definitely thought was "in my wheelhouse"), and she was very enthusiastic about what we'd gotten.

The audition was in Studio City, and afterward, I thought about stopping at the nearby Ralphs to grocery-shop.

But I opted not to, and just drove back home.

I should have shopped. I could have used the "distraction".

Because all I did when I got back home was basically "wait by the phone", which was crazy - It had gone well, but not so well they were going to lose their minds and immediately call my agents to make a deal.

And indeed, I didn't hear anything the rest of the day.

So yesterday at work, I had one eye on what I was doing, and one eye on the phone, still "waiting to get the call" - basically, it's just the worst thing an actor can do for their mental health, but I couldn't seem to help myself.

But around Noon, it struck me, "It ain't happening..." (That was when I announced to a coworker, who I'd told about the audition, that "hope had died").

And sure enough, here we are - It didn't happen (Though I shouldn't be making myself out to be Nostradamus here - Predicting that any given audition didn't go my way is, statistically, a pretty safe bet.)

While I wouldn't say I had an "episode" over not booking the job - I didn't cry, or hit myself, or break anything - I did feel an inordinate wave of sadness and anxiety (that started while still not knowing for certain I hadn't booked the job, and which I'm still feeling as I write this).

That's a problem.

I'm not in the position I used to be in, where I booked at least a couple things every year, so felt like I could just "count" on booking gigs.

And I used to (sometimes) have "waves" of auditions, so could both roll into auditions feeling more confident, and leave them not obsessing so much about booking, because, after all, "If I don't get this one, I'll get the next one...".

What's leaving me bummed about the overall experience?

Between the difficulty of getting a fill at work, the anxiety of "waiting by the phone", and the disappointment of not getting it, I feel like I was happy for about a fucking minute.

(And I'm gonna leave things there, because I really feel myself wanting to "spiral"...)

I've been "taking my emotional temperature" a lot these days, trying to figure out if the drugs are working.

"Well, are they Jim?"

I don't know.

Haven't kicked my ass lately, or struggled not to cry in public, so...maybe?

On Monday, when I was at Rite-Aid, renewing my prescription, I was walking around the store, waiting for it to be filled, and "The Wave" hit me, where I suddenly felt really depressed...but I was able to "tamp it down" and conclude my business, as opposed to feeling like it was just something out-of-control that was happening to me, like needing to throw up or really having to go to the bathroom (Where, panic-stricken, you think, "I have to get the fuck out of here...!").

And I've had at least two instances where I set something down in my apartment, then almost immediately couldn't find it (My keys in the first instance, and in the second, my mail-order razor-blades). In both instances, I felt that rising frustration and anger, and wanted to belt myself
right in the fucking mouth, but was able to...not do that.

So...maybe? Progress?

I honestly can't tell, in part because I don't know what to expect from the medication - Should I not have the urge to start crying in public? Should I not have the urge to beat the shit out of myself when I get frustrated and angry? Or does the medication just "take the edge off", where I still feel the way I feel, but it doesn't seem like an "emergency"?

I don't know.

I guess it's good if I'm not crying in public like a crazy person, or having to explain that I broke my own nose or gave myself a black eye, but it would be nicer still if I didn't want to.

Does medication do that?

I don't know.

And on that note of uncertainty, I think I'm gonna wrap this up (Lately, I just feel like I could go on and on in here. It kind of feels like a good thing, except for the part where I have other shit I have to do).

(In my next entry, I'm going to try very hard to be more positive - I've been thinking about "gratitude" a lot these days, and have wanted to write about that - but...we'll see what happens.)

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