12:14 pm - Sun 7/01/07
No Escape

Sat 6/30/07 (1:28 p.m.)

Well, the Passions gig has come and gone.

I shot four episodes, as the �executioner�, from Tuesday through Thursday of this past week.

You really don�t need to set your Tivos/Dvrs for it�trust me, there�s really nothing to see (It�s another glorified extra job)�but if you want proof I was actually there, the episodes (2052-2055) will be airing August 6th-9th, on NBC (It's moving to DirectTV in September).

When I book something, I usually write about it in a book journal, then transfer it here at some point. But after writing less than a page this time, I just didn�t have much to say.

Long story short�and I know this is not what people want to hear�the job itself was really boring (On the second day, the word �excruciating� came to mind). I was so bored at times that I actually longed for the comparative excitement of ArcLight (!)

(Then I remembered I was making over $400 an episode for being bored, and that "longing" went away.)

There were some differences from other things I've done (I had a �dressing room� in an actual building instead of a trailer; the free food I�ve enjoyed on SAG sets was pretty minimal on this AFTRA set; the terminology for this shoot was a little different, I'm assuming because of being on video instead of film), but beyond that, there was a distinct sense of �been there, done that�.

Actually, that �been there, done that� feeling went further than my small body of work on tv and in commercials; I was struck at times, during my three days on the set, by how much the experience reminded me of my theatrical past-from getting stage directions, to the set (which wasn�t much different than it might have been in a stage production), to feeling more like I was rehearsing something than doing the actual thing, to actors having to be continually �shushed� by the A.D. as scenes that didn�t involve them were being worked on.

It really did feel like I was rehearsing a show, but instead of an �opening night�, they were opting to just shoot bits of rehearsal, stick those together, and show that instead.

And while rehearsals are some theater people's favorite part of the process, I was never one of those people--I was always about the part where you got to perform

Today:

Still thinking about Passions...

I've written about this before, but this week, I've once again been thinking about my motivation for acting in the first place.

In a word, I was initially drawn to acting as an escape. I wanted to retreat from my none-too-happy real life into a world of fantasy (That's also why I was such an avid reader growing up).

That desire for escape is still inside me, however illogical and unreasonable; over time, additional factors came into play that made acting appealing(the applause/attention, a sense of identity and belonging, creative expression, occasional financial reward, etc.), but in my heart-of-hearts, what I still really want out of acting is something I'm never going to get--to be there instead of here.

I've wondered why my three days on Passions actually left me feeling worse than before, and have thrown me into more of a funk, instead of making me happy that I have another credit, that I made a little money, etc.

But I really know--I did this gig, and felt bored, lonely, and insignificant...just like I do everyday.

I want "escape", but there's no escape to be had.

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