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2:14 am - Sat 5/01/04
Not Quite Dead Yet

Not Quite Dead Yet

Thurs 4/29/04 (11:37 p.m.)

(Watching "Letterman"...)

Scary doings in L.A....

Someone threatened to blow up a shopping mall in west L.A today. I think the specific threat was that they were going to explode four bombs in a major shopping area (The threat was credible enough that the police went public with it, with advisories on how to spot "suspicious activity", such as people inappropriately dressed for the weather, anyone walking off leaving backpacks or packages behind, etc).

This would be a much more dramatic entry if I had actually worked today, and something had blown up–I work in west L.A., across the street from one "target" (The Beverly Center), and about a mile from another (The Grove).

But thankfully, I didn't work today, and nothing blew up. No harm, no foul. But it was sobering, nevertheless; this threat wasn't someplace around the world, or even across the country–I'm in that area five days a week (And it's just five miles or so from my apartment).

As unhappy as I'm feeling these days, I think getting blown up would make me feel that much worse...

Fri 4/30/04 (1:47 p.m.)

Feeling those "Monday Morning Blues", even though it's actually Friday afternoon...

But it's more than "Monday Morning Blues". I'm in decidedly "rough waters" these days, and I don't know why. I feel "stirred up"-- angry and sad and just generally fucked-up–and on a very short emotional fuse (I haven't "blown up" at anyone, or burst into inappropriate tears, but either extreme feels about an inch under the surface).

I want to not go in to work today, but the timing doesn't feel right (It never feels "right", actually. I'm uncomfortable skipping work, because at some level, I feel like regular attendance is one of the few ways I distinguish myself as a "worker bee").

Saw 13 Going On 30 on Wednesday (At The Grove, one of the places that didn't blow up yesterday).

As a movie, it was pretty mediocre, a pale imitation of Big. But Jennifer Garner was great (I love her on Alias, and was rooting for her to prove she can be something other than "action chick"). The acting in general propped up the fairly mediocre story (I'd like to have Mark Ruffalo's career right about now).

But sometimes you don't really need a movie to be "great" in order for it to be entertaining or moving. In fact, I was a little too moved (See "I'm in decidedly ‘rough waters' these days" above), which was why I went out afterwards and bought $45 worth of toys that I'm still feeling guilty about today.

I didn't just wake up one day the age I am now, but I do sometimes feel like I missed something somewhere. I do often feel like a kid trapped in this middle aged man's body.

If I'm wondering anything these days, I'm wondering, "How do people do this?". It all seems so boring and pointless.

Is this being an "adult"...? Cause if it is, this fucking sucks.

Sat 5/1/04 (1:43 a.m.)

Called the number I was supposed to call for jury duty shortly after I got home from work tonite; I'm supposed to call back after 7:00 p.m. on Monday.

I was a little disappointed.

Coming home from work, I was struck by the pointlessness, the futility, of being in the funk I've been in these days.

"Okay", I thought to myself, "I'm never going to have sex again. I'm never going to find true love. I'm never going to make it as an actor. I'm going to die poor, alone, and in the gutter. Nothing is going to work out for me. My life is meaningless, and this is as good as it's ever gonna get."

And then I thought, "Okay, Loser--Now what?".

We're kind of back to "If you're so unhappy, why don't you kill yourself?"

I've actually done this once before. I decided to just say "fuck it", regarding my self-image, and go with the idea that I really was a "loser", that I just lacked whatever winning quality was neccesary to make life go the way I wanted it to. "Poor me, I'm all broken up inside on account of my bad childhood, and now I'm categorically incapable of being happy".

There was no point in trying to better myself or my situation. No point in trying to change my point of view. No point in doing anything but relaxing and playing out however much pointless time I had left on this planet.


And you know what? That rather transparent bit of reverse psychology actually worked. I realized that 1) I was not going to kill myself, and 2) I couldn't really live with nothing to dream about, with nothing to hope for, so the "I'm a loser" thing was just not gonna work in the long run.

(Falling asleep here...)

Right now, things don't look great for me getting much of anything that I want in life. But I'm not going to check out early, I'm not going on a "roaring rampage of revenge" (To steal a line from Kill Bill II), and I'm not going to give up trying.

Cause I'm not a loser until I've lost. And I haven't lost till I've stopped trying. And I'm not going to stop trying till I'm dead.

And "I'm not quite dead yet", thank you very much.


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