12:31 am - 10.27.2009
Nothing's Happening

Sat 10/24/09 (11 pm)

(Music: Oscar Peterson, "Genesis")

Went for a walk earlier today, something I haven't done in quite some time.

Now as we all know, walking is a good thing. But in an odd way, today it felt like admitting defeat - You see, the reason I went for the aforementioned walk was that I'm been having an "eating issue" lately, and felt the need to burn off some excess calories.

The "eating issue" in question?

For awhile now - a couple weeks, at least - I've been waking up a number of times a night, and eating.

Which is problematic, because it leaves me with too few points to get through my days (My 24-hour "eating day" starts at 6:00 pm; till now, I've typically had 18 points left from the time I get up in the morning till 6 pm. But anyway...).

As a result of this "nighttime snacking", I'm going over my daily points, and as a result of that result, my weight is creeping back up.

This is not good.

(After letting my subconscious get the best of me for awhile now, I've finally posted a note to myself, in large type, on the refrigerator: "NO OVERNIGHT EATING! YOU WILL END UP GOING OVER YOUR POINTS AND GAINING WEIGHT!! GO BACK TO BED!!!")

So anyway, that's why I walked today.

But I don't like that as a "solution" to this problem.

I want to walk, if I'm going to walk, because it's good exercise, or good to just get out of the house, or because it's the easiest way to get from one place to another place not that far away, not because I can't control my eating.

Cause that's bullshit.

Clearly, the urge to overeat is a powerful thing.

Therefore I must be...powerful-er.

Gerry told me, a day or two after my debut at the Ha-Ha, that he had some ideas for a few "tweaks" to my set that would "turn it from a '9' to an '11'"

Now, let me make one thing clear - Class is over, so Gerry doesn't "owe" me anything.

But be that as it may, it's been a little frustrating to have him say what he said, indicate his willingness/desire to give me this extra assist...then be completely unavailable.

But it is what it is.

And I can "tweak" things myself at this point; I watched the video of the Ha-Ha show again, and I know I can tighten up my verbiage, and hear what jokes worked better than others, etc.

And it probably won't be exactly what Gerry had in mind, but I'm guessing it'll be pretty similar.

The point is, it was a bullshit excuse, that I was "waiting on Gerry" before doing anything.

Cause far as I know, Gerry isn't going onstage with me on the 11th.

And Gerry isn't going to have anything to do with my writing new material, until and unless I take his class again.

Which is why today, while I was walking, I was also dictating things into my little voice-recorder (Which I had to buy for Gerry's class) - If I'm going to give this stand-up thing the effort it deserves, the effort that I deserve, I need to start thinking more like a stand-up comic, and less like a guy wandering if he has what it takes to be a stand-up comic.

It coincides pretty closely with my one-year anniversary of working at Weight Watchers.

(NOW)

The Weight Watchers "Celebration" thing was a light snooze - The novelty was gone (Last year was my first "Celebration", and the newness of the experience had worn off long before the experience was actually over), and due to budget considerations, this year's event was smaller and noticeably more down-scale (Personally, I missed the recorded music this year) - but there was free food, I'm going to get a free polo shirt out of the deal, and we got paid, and those are good things (To be honest, I also enjoyed how much attention I got for putting on a vest and a tie).

So since I didn't have any more exciting plans for the day, I was okay with it.

I feel as if "nothing is happening", but that's not really true - It's just how I feel.

Shot the Kayak.com commercial at the start of the month (Which I still haven't gotten paid for), and have had five auditions (Which only looks bad compared to last month's record-setting pace - most times five auditions would be a really good month), not to mention friends and well-wishers seeing me on two tv shows (The Mentalist and Mad Men).

I've started up with a new therapist, which is going okay so far, and it looks like I may be venturing into "group therapy" for the first time (They're starting a group at the clinic for people like Yours Truly - People who are, whatever their other "issues", feeling lonely and disconnected, and need to "get a life", preferably one that involves other people).

And I've got The Comedy Store show, two weeks from Wednesday (Which means going to The Comedy Store next Wednesday to support some of my former stand-up classmates...partly in the hope they will then "return the favor" the following week).

But I feel lonely and bored and that I'm struggling, emotionally and financially.

For reasons I can't explain, my not getting that commercial money yet is making me "fiscally anxious".

It doesn't make sense - I've got enough money to pay rent and bills even if I don't get that check by the end of the month, and I know I'll get it at some point. And it should be reassuring to know that even more Kayak money is in my future - but I guess this "lag time" is giving me too much time to consider my ongoing tenuous financial existence.

So I'm feeling bad - or at least "bad-ish" - for not much reason( Or at least not any more reason than normal).

Just letting negative, scary thoughts have their way with me.

Potential big development tomorrow - I'm going to see if I can look at a studio apartment downtown, for $600 a month...and it has parking (The super-low rent makes me nervous, - "What's wrong with the place?", I can't help but wonder - but for a $150 break in rent and parking, I'd be willing to put up with quite a bit. Anyway, wish me luck!)

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