11:38 PM - 12.02.14
Because somehow, over time, it's become "just another chore I want to avoid" instead of "an enjoyable hobby". I do it the same way I do laundry or dishes - I need clean clothes, I need clean dishes, and I need "clean" (i.e. sorted-out) thoughts & feelings, but that doesn't mean I can't wait till they're an overwhelming mess before I tackle them.
But a symptom of my not writing in here more is that every entry then risks going down an angst-y "Why am I not writing in here more?" rabbit-hole, instead of me just...writing more.
So, moving on...
When I get checks for acting jobs, I'm often very depressed - and sometimes downright angry - about how much gets taken out for taxes and such (Since I don't make much at WW, very little comes out of those checks).
Anyway, the last time that happened, it struck me how that was a pretty "conservative" sentiment, to be shaking my metaphorical fist over "the damned government/union, taking my hard-earned money...".
And since I consider myself "liberal", I had to "work through it" - I remember posting on Facebook something to the effect of "I was bummed over how much I pay in taxes and union dues, but then I remembered how much I enjoy government services, and having a union on my side" - because, simply put, I think that's the price for living in a civilized society.
In the time since, I've realized I have a lot of baseline "conservative leanings" - racist/sexist/homophobic thoughts, being alarmed/angered by change, etc. - which made me wonder, "If you have thoughts and feelings you would define as 'conservative', why are you not, in fact, a Conservative?".
And the answer is, I don't define those "thoughts and feelings" as a feature of my "operating system", to be celebrated and supported.
I see them, instead, as a "design flaw", to be fought against.
Tues 12-2-14 (3:30 pm)
It's raining in LA...
This would be a really good time to have nothing to do, so I could just laze about the apartment, enjoying having nothing to do...but I agreed to fill for someone at WW, so I do, in fact, "have something to do", in about an hour. But anyway...
Aside from the rain, the big news story from here is that, after a month of nothing (The second "month of nothing" this year), I had an audition - or as I called it on Facebook, "one of those 'audition-thingies'" - earlier today.
And it wasn't for just any garden-variety tv show - It was for Justified, maybe my favorite show still in production, and one of my favorite shows of all time, period.
I found out about it yesterday, while I was having coffee with Howard, telling him - amongst other things - how I'd been contemplating "What happens after your dream dies?" (More on that later).
Things broke up shortly thereafter - I had to get home and start working on my lines - and as I was riding my bike home, something happened (I still don't know what), and my front wheel basically stopped, while everything else kept going.
The bike went up and over, and I ended up flat on the ground, tangled up in my bike (I'd been riding on the sidewalk, and this happened while I was crossing the street).
My first reaction was to be freaked out - I pretty much "face-planted", so I was terrified I had done some damage to myself that would impact the big audition - but, happily, "The Moneymaker" (As I enjoy calling my face) was basically intact; I had a bit of a lump/abrasion under my right eyebrow, but when I could get to a mirror, I judged it "cosmetically insignificant".
Beyond that, I had a few bumps and scrapes (And my triceps are really sore today), but nothing serious.
Sadly, the bike didn't fare quite as well
So where was I...?
The bike got more messed up than I did - The handlebars got bent up, the front brake came off its moorings and was jammed onto the front tire - and also bent up - and various less important things were loose and/or bent.
So I carried the bike two or three blocks to the bike shop (Where I bought the bike originally), and it's there right now, awaiting new handlebars, which they had to order (Hoping to be able to pick it up tomorrow).
And I walked home from there, looking over my lines for the audition, which I'd downloaded onto my phone.
Already feeling a little frustrated over the bike incident (over hurting myself, over it costing me, and over losing time), I got a lot more frustrated when I had to make a dozen-plus calls to get someone to fill-in for me at WW this morning - more time spent not applying myself to this great audition I was really wanting to focus on.
But I was eventually able to settle in and work on the thing, putting my cues on the voice-recorder on my phone (Why did it take me so long to get a smart phone? They're really great!), and going over and over and over the scene.
And I drove to North Hollywood today, in the rain, and did the thing (It was at least the second time I've been to the office in question - I was there last year, or maybe the year before, to audition for Parenthood, the other show they cast).
They had me do the scene once, said "Thank you", and that was it.
In a word, it felt "cursory".
It definitely didn't feel like the vibe of a casting person excited about what she'd just seen, and in my own estimation, I was merely "okay", which is, ironically, never okay (I'll have to address concerns about how my auditions might be going awry at a later date, because I feel like I'm "running long" here. But that's a pretty important topic).
As I left, for some reason - maybe just to be in her presence a moment longer, to make more of an "impression", I don't know - I made a little comic "bit" out of the last time I'd been there (After I did the Parenthood audition - which I didn't end up booking - and was walking out the door, I rather shamelessly pimped myself for Justified).
And I think I acted out that impromptu "bit" better than the audition I'd spent hours working on.
And that's really not good.
Cause if I'm going to "live for auditions" (Which is, by the way, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea), when I actually get them, they need to kick major-league ass...not just be "okay".
Well, there is much more to "get into"...but it's now moving near midnight, and I grow weary.
(Besides, I know - from my own experience, that it's hard to read a lot of text on the computer, even if said "text" is as fascinating as this journal...)
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