2:10 p.m. - FRI 4/27/01
Everything's Okey-dokey out here!
Feeling that attraction/avoidance thing with my journal lately...

I don't want to b.s. in here and say how everything's okey-dokey and I'm all happy and shit, but on the other hand, I don't want to be convincing myself that the end is nigh either, cause it's nowhere NEAR "nigh".

It's very hard for me not to go one way or another. I want to be "honest", but I don't want to do what Jane and I talked about the other day, which is to take one bad feeling or bad experience and let it make me go on a downward spiral.

Was it just yesterday I called Jane, or the day before? Well, I called Jane recently, in a pretty bad way. I was stressed and depressed and fighting not to sob into the receiver, but she was great. She really talked me down off the emotional cliff I was on.

Thank you Jane.

Part of what was bumming me out was that the car was in the shop. I had to get an oil change, the turn signal had died, and I needed to get new mounts ( I don't know what "mounts" are or what they do, but apparently that's why my brakes were sometimes making odd noises and kind of "hitching" before engaging. Not all the time, but I pretty much want my brakes to be working at peak effiency every time out of the gate! ). The timing, as you might imagine, didn't really feel RIGHT to me somehow, but what can you do? And really? The anxiety of spending that money, once I got used to the idea, was less than the anxiety of driving around LA with no turn signal and questionable brakes!

Money money money money ( If you know the old O'Jays song, you should play it in your head as you read this part of my entry )...It is THE Numero Uno stressor for me right now, ahead of getting lost, loneliness, finding acting stuff, or even PARKING!

I'm just part-time at Borders right now, and at $7.25 an hour, that won't cut it ( Even at full time, making $1.85 an hour less than I made at Schulers while paying $145 a month more in rent each month, things will be very TIGHT ).

And here's the part where I could spiral into depression/freaking out/anger at myself for being "weak" somehow, but I've got to figure out a way to nip that sort of thing in the bud.

I have to communicate with the boss types, and try to get some impression of my immediate future with the firm ( Is the plan to make me full time at some point? And nearly as important, will I ever be getting a set schedule? ). I need to know what they're thinking in order to figure out what I need to do.

I think I need to swallow my pride and my dislike of actual WORK, and sign up for AppleOne's "light industrial" temp division. Once that's going, I need to make a routine of calling Cenex, then calling AppleOne, to try and make something happen on my days off.

I have to get the DMV/Insurance stuff done. Again, I'm stressing about the money, but I'll be stressing MORE if I get pulled over without having my paperwork together!

I need to audition for more stuff.

Speaking of auditions, Downey Civic called me yesterday, where I auditioned for "Camelot", and offered me the small role of "Squire Dap".

I was surprised somehow; I thought, after our discussion the night of auditions, that nothing was going to happen. I was PLEASED, in a way, but also a little disconcerted ( In the production of "Camelot" I was in at Lansing Community College back in '87, I think it was, the role of "Squire Dap" was played by a very nice, very small, 800-year-old man. I was "Sir Dinadan", or as Tom H. referred to him, "Sir Dividend" ).

As I write this, I find myself wondering if I made a mistake--Would it be better to be doing something than doing nothing?--but I turned it down. Basically, I explained to the director, if I were working full time, I'd probably do it, but I don't feel like I can AFFORD to right now.

She seemed understanding ( I have two comps to the show if I want them ).

Well, it's early, but Robert said I could come in and work today if I wanted the hours--from 4 to 10 this evening--and I WANT the hours, and I'm still feeling residual dread over Monday, so I'm going to head out.

This is going to work out ( As I told Jane, I'm not going to tell myself not to feel bad, or be upset with myself about it. I'm just going to say, "Okay, you feel bad, and that's ok, but you STILL have to get through this..." ).

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