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10:21 pm - FRI 8.23.2013
One Tired Actor.

One Tired Actor...

I've hit an ever-so-slight "lull", where I haven't booked anything, have no auditions "outstanding" (where they could "turn into" bookings), and have no auditions coming up.

To be honest?

I don't like it that much.

____________________

Went to the credit union today and deposited a number of small residual checks, totaling about $140, cashing an additional check for $20-and-change, for "walking around money".

Because my residual checks are, more often than not, fairly small - the biggest check in this recent bunch was for $67 - it's become easy for me to dismiss them as insignificant, and even be disappointed when I get one, because it's too small an amount to "make much difference".

(When I get a check in the mail, you see, I'm looking for it to relieve some anxiety. And a check for ten bucks doesn't do it.)

Then I remind myself, "Whatever amount of money you get from residuals, it's for work you've already done, and that's pretty cool"; it doesn't negate the need/desire to make more, but it gives me a little better perspective on the matter.

It's challenging to "thread the needle" that way, appreciating what I have, particularly in career terms, while at the same time desiring more.

It's harder still to communicate that in here (Or, to a lesser extent, on Facebook); sometimes, I feel like when I do - express appreciation for what I have, while acknowledging wanting more - people only hear the "wanting more" part. People will often respond by telling me how I should appreciate what I have, and be "grateful", when I've just finishing saying "I appreciate what I have, and am very grateful".

So clearly, it's a tough "needle to thread" for lots of people.

Probably because we respond to emotion more than we respond to intellect. I certainly do. I give how I feel the weight of "truth", while the intellectual effort it takes to get to how I should feel seems virtually weightless (It's something I've always wondered about - Do I feel bad because I'm "thinking wrong", or do I "think wrong" in trying to explain to myself why I "feel bad"? I used to assume the former, but now it's more like "A little from column A, a little from column B"; I have a boatload of "dysfunctional thoughts and 'thought habits'", but at the same time, clearly some of my neurotic/anxious/depressed tendencies are simply "bad wiring").

Mon 8/26/13 (9:51 am)

(I think there's more to write about regarding "being grateful for what I have, but still wanting more", but I'll have to save it for another time...)

I shouldn't take up too much time with this - though I would like to finish things up - because I asked my friends if we could go to a later matinee of The World's End today so I could go to the doctor.

I've been holding off, partly because I don't want to spend the money, and partly out of a sense of futility, but I've got to try and do something about the way I've been feeling - I'm so tired I don't want to do anything anymore.

I don't really know where I'm at with the sleep apnea (If it's still a major factor or not), but what's going on now feels radically different - While it used to be I didn't get "deep sleep" because of all the "mini-awakenings", now I just plain wake up outright all through the night (At least four times last night, that I can recall).

It's so bad that, as tired as I always am now, I can't even nap; Used to set my alarm for an hour, lie down, and be out till the alarm went off - no more (Now I'm inevitably awake again, in less than a half-hour, feeling just as shitty as before).

This is my personal "Big Bad", because really, it "underpins" everything; energy, mood, motivation, attention, etc.

It leaves me thinking, "I have to 'step up my game here', but how can I when I can barely keep up the 'bare minimum' I'm doing now...?".

It's even making something I've never been anxious about before "something to be anxious about" - If I actually get what I want at some point, and am a series regular on a long-running show, or in great demand in movies, or what-have-you, how am I going to function effectively in that situation?"

(But that feels like I'm "getting ahead of myself" - I'm not going to be able to even audition effectively before too long, unless I'm auditioning for an old, tired, depressed guy. And that's typecasting I'm not very enthused about.)

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel this way.

So I have to try and do something.

As I've said before, I can't keep being the guy who's "unhappy about a thing", but doesn't do anything about it.

So off I go to the Dr's office, hoping for the best...

 

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