1:57 pm - WED 2/27/02
A watched phone never boils
A WATCHED PHONE NEVER BOILS

WED 2/26/02 8:46 am (Offline)

I have GOT to work this "voice mail" thing a little better; I'm checking it obsessively on the one hand, then forgetting to check it when I SHOULD.

Here's what I'm talking about...

Yesterday, just before I was ready to leave for work, I checked my voice mail, and there was a message from around 9 o'clock the night before (I'd been online pretty much all evening, working on Diaryland; This situation seems a good argument for doing Diaryland offline ALL the time, as well as for checking my voice mail at home after EVERY online session. Since the Freenet bumps me off after each hour online, that would seem a perfect time to go to the phone and make a quick call to check for messages. At the very least, I need to check in before I head off to Dreamland for the nite. But anyway...).

It was a response to one of the headshots I'd sent out, for a grad student film at UCLA. The director was interested in having me come in tonite to audition for him, to play the part of a homeless person.

Now on the one hand, I was pretty excited--I NEED experience "on-camera", and was just happy to get another response to my headshot--but on the other hand, I IMMEDIATELY started stressing, because I work today from 3-to-closing (And THERE'S an argument for finding a more flexible way to make my living; If I were signed with a couple temp/extra agencies, this would be no issue at ALL. I simply wouldn't be "available" today).

I also found myself clenching up over not knowing how long a potential shoot would be, or when the guy would want me, etc. (Did you notice how gracefully I leapt from worrying about getting to the audition to worrying about dealing with the shooting schedule? I can do that all day long, without ever landing in a place where I feel happy and comfortable). Again, it's the "work thing" that's stressing me; John O. has indicated more than once his willingness to "work with me" in terms of acting things, but there seem to be pretty definite LIMITS (This past Friday, when I wanted to leave work an hour earlier than I was scheduled on Saturday night, because I had an early call on Sunday morning for the "Crossing the Line" read-through, he asked me to check the schedule. When I reported back as to who was "on" Saturday night, he decided there weren't enough people, and wouldn't let me leave until the store closed at midnight. Not that big a deal--I left a half-hour early, instead of an hour--but it also felt kind of TELLING, if you know what I mean. Once the schedule is UP, "flexibility" seem pretty much GONE).

(But here's the THING--I haven't gotten the PART yet. I don't KNOW how long a shooting schedule it is, or what DAYS he wants to shoot, or anything else For all I know, it could work very SMOOTHLY with work. This director could be a very organized guy, giving me the chance to give John O. plenty of notice at work. It could be a day or two of shooting that I could do on my days off. But instead of assuming that everything could work OUT, I choose to assume there will be problems galore. I'm INTERESTING that way...)

So anyway, I called the guy (I got HIS voice mail)--this was around noon yesterday--then I went to work (In my message, I'd told him my work situation, saying that I'd like to meet with him in the morning if at all possible, but if that wasn't possible, that was okay too, that I would "call in sick" at work or something).

At work, I checked my voice mail dozens of times. In the early evening, I called the director's number again, got his voice mail again, and left a message, saying that I would be at work until 9:30 if he wanted to call me there ( If not, I expected to be back home around 10:30).

I probably checked my voice mail another dozen times or so before 9:30, but there was nothing.

(While at work, I also tried to figure out if I could find someone who could switch days with me. Darren, who was at work yesterday, was very willing, but to switch with him, I would have had to close the cafe, which I don't know how to do. And I don't know anyone's number, so I couldn't call anyone who wasn't working yesterday. And if I had then asked John O. for people's phone numbers, then called and COULDN'T get anyone to switch with me, then I'd be screwed in terms of the "calling in sick" option.)

So I went home.

(And here's the part where I get really UNHAPPY with myself...)

I got home, around 25 after 10, and got online to check my e-mail. I logged off 8-and-a-half minutes later, planning to stay offline the rest of the night..BUT I DIDN'T CHECK MY FUCKING VOICE MAIL!!!

What was I THINKING? "What are the odds that he called in the tiny little window of time I was online"? Well, who cares what the fucking ODDS were? Turns out the guy is very PUNCTUAL; When I TOLD him I'd be home by 10:30, he CALLED at 10:30. Go and figure...

I spent the rest of my time before bed offline, watching my tape of that evening's "Buffy" and "NYPD Blue". THEN, bizarrely enough, I checked my voice mail (This was close to 1 am), and got the message--He was willing to see me in the "morning", but didn't specify where or when.

I can't read my behavior when I got home as anything but twin poles of addiction (I absolutely HAD to check my e-mail when I got home?), and self-sabotage (If I didn't check my voice mail when I got offline, after checking it DOZENS of times while at work, it was because, at some level, I don't really want to DEAL with the uncertainty of all this. That's why I only checked it when it was far to late to DO anything about it. I find that TREMENDOUSLY troubling).

SO...I called him again, early this morning (8:45), got his voice mail AGAIN, and left a message asking him if a time around 11:00 or 11:30 would be okay--trying to get as much "lead time" as I could, in order to bike there or take the bus. I gave him my number again, AND my cell phone number, and have made a point of NOT going online, even to check my e-mail.

It's now 20 to 11:00. And...nothing.

I find myself wanting to spiral into major ANGER at myself here. Obviously, I may THINK that I'm unhappy with the "status quo", but my subconscious seems to like it just FINE, and will work pretty hard to PRESERVE it.

But being angry and berating myself isn't going to do any good. At this point, I'm just going to hope that things work out. If not, I have to forgive myself for my obvious ambivalence, keep working on overcoming my fear, and tell myself that one grad-student film might be IMPORTANT, but it's NOT life-or-death (What are the odds this guy is the next SPIELBERG?).

(Oh, but before I get all forgiving with my "subconscious saboteur", I have to share one more source of...FRUSTRATION with myself; At work, I shared my dilemma with Devin. NOT a good idea; Devin likes me, but Devin has also recently become a manager, having gotten Ryan's old position in the back room. And I think it's probably a bad idea to let ANY manager at your job know that you have a potential work conflict if you're planning to maybe call in sick the next day; I just let my need to VENT overwhelm my good sense.)

Well, I want to write about other things, but I'm having a hard time letting this go...

*******************************************************************************

11:35 am

Still no call. I can' t go online, there's nothing on tv, I'm afraid to leave the apartment, and I can't concentrate enough to read my script or "The Shipping News".

I called the guy again, throwing something out that I SHOULD have thought of in the FIRST place; I have tomorrow OFF, so if he has any time free THEN, I suggested that would be really good for me (I'm starting to think this guy is probably already SICK of hearing from me!).

I feel very TENSE (The phone just rang. I jumped to get it, but there was no one there). I just want to CONNECT with this guy, so I can know how things are gonna be. The uncertainty is really getting to me.

(But let's take a break here, and write about something ELSE. Okay Jim?)

On the way to work yesterday, I saw something I doubt I would ever have seen in Lansing...A movie was being shot at a house along 4th St, and as I rode by on my bike, I saw two guys operating a mechanical giraffe, which was "foraging" in a second story window of the house.

I thought that was kind of cool.

Another "kind of cool" thing; On Monday, Chris took me to Chinatown--I hadn't been before--where I had my first "dim sum".

The way we both handled the experience says, in my mind, an interesting thing about our respective characters; As various carts and trays of foodstuffs were presented to us, I mostly deferred to Chris's judgement. He pointed to this thing and that thing, and when I said, "What IS that?", he would say, more often than not, "I don't know. It just looks interesting".

When Chris finally said I should pick something out, what did I choose, amongst all the interesting, exotic dishes presented to me?

Pigs in a blanket. And not some special, exotic, CHINESE "pigs in a blanket". Just pigs in a blanket. Like I've had a hundred times in my life.

While at the restaurant, we talked about my various ongoing issues--Money, a car, etc.--and about his efforts to expand his massage business, and I was struck again by the difference between the two of us.

Chris has been talking to a friend of his, who's helping him draft a business plan to expand his massage business. He wants to hire other massage people, a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, etc., get deals set up at various studios, then in time, sell his share of "Luxury" (Or maybe continue to be a "controlling partner". I don't know how this stuff works), and live off the proceeds while he continues to do his acting thing.

I don't know how likely that is to work. I don't know what kind of head for business Chris may or may not have, and I don't know exactly how stiff the competition is for the type of service he's proposing.

But you know what? It's a PLAN. He's at least trying to figure out a way to do what he wants to do, and is demonstrating his willingness to take a risk, to make some sacrifices, in order to try and make it happen.

Yours Truly, on the other hand, is holding onto his little $7.50 an hour retail job with a death grip. Afraid anything else would be too difficult, too scary, too WHATEVER. And behaving as if the opportunity to act is more of an IMPOSITION than what I came OUT here to do.

(Wow...It's really HARD for me to avoid becoming ANGRY at myself!)

I have to find some COURAGE out here. I have to find a kernel of BELIEF in myself.

I do catch little GLIMPSES sometimes. Each time I've gotten something out here, even if it's just someone who responded to getting my headshot, I've felt encouraged. I haven't succeeded each time out, and haven't gotten to do anything yet that actually felt worth DOING, but there has been INTEREST, and I HAVE gotten to do things. That tells me I am "castable" out here, and that I have something that didn't just go away once I got outside the Lansing city limits.

I just have to BELIEVE. Believe this is a worthwhile thing I'm doing. Believe I have something special to offer that WILL be apparent to people. Believe that I can muster the strength to deal with any "real life" problems that crop up.

And forgive myself for having down times. Moments of weakness, frustration, what-have-you.

Being angry at myself for being afraid, for feeling weak, is just no good. It has never worked before, and it's not going to work now. I'm not going to berate and punish myself into having the life I want. If things are going to go more my way, it's going to be because I've learned to LOVE myself.

_____________________________________________________________________________

1:05 pm. No call.

I'm churning inside with general "UNCOMFORTABLENESS". I want to know that this is going to happen, or that it's not.

My stomach hurts.

And for some reason, I want to cry.

So what ELSE is going on?

For a time, I thought I was going to have to tell Mark and Jane that "The Sun" magazine people were falling down on the job; They bought me a subscription for Xmas, and while I received a card saying something to that effect from "The Sun", I didn't receive any subsequent MAGAZINE (I'm embarrassed I thought this, but it occured to me, erroneously or not, that "If this were a CONSERVATIVE magazine, I would have GOTTEN it by now...").

But early last week, I finally received the February issue of the magazine. So all is well.

Riding home from work last night, I passed one of the clubs along Wilshire, with a big crowd of people on the outside waiting to get in (Lately, I'd say since around Valentine's Day, I've been feeling a PANG as I pass these places, as if everyone else in the world is getting to have fun except ME).

As I passed by, I had the most bizarre URGE; I felt like waving my hand over the assembled crowd and intoning "You truly ARE 'The Beautiful People'...".

Weird, huh? I thought so.

(I didn't actually DO it. In my mind, that sort of a thing puts you on the road to being a crazy homeless person...or Howie Mandel, which in my mind would be WORSE.)

____________________________________________________________________________

1:35 pm. No call.

I've got about 40 minutes till I have to head out to work.

Screw it...I'm going to go online and check my e-mail. This "addict" has held off long enough (And I KNOW he'll call while I'm online, so I'm going to check my voice mail the SECOND I go back offline).

I have to take this stuff fairly seriously, but I can't wait on pins-and-needles for every call like this. I'll go crazy...or go crazy-er.

Oh, before I go, I wanted to thank "Still Reading"; For a second, I didn't understand what "5/31???" MEANT, but then I checked my last entry, saw that I'd written that as the DATE, for some odd reason, and made the needed correction. Thanks again, "Still Reading", and thanks for...still reading.

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