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9:17 AM - Thurs 3.12.20

Playing This Out

Well, I guess the big news right now is the Coronavirus outbreak (aka Covid-19).

It seemed somewhat remote to me at first, until I went to the Ralphs in Culver City this past Sunday and they were out of toilet paper.

That's when I thought, "Shit just got real...".

Since then, while I wouldn't say I'm "panicking" - at all - I would say that I'm "thinking about it" more than I was, wondering what happens next (For whatever reason, I'm less worried about getting sick myself - though there is that - than I am how to deal with the effects of a potential long-term pandemic. never having experienced one before).

Interesting times...


In a recent communication to Jane R, described my current state-of-mind fairly well - I'm not depressed all the time, but feel like I keep "falling in a hole".

I'm not having bad months, or even bad weeks, but I'm having a lot of bad days.

A lot of bad days.


Recently got word that Shameless is back, and I'm (provisionally) in the first episode, shooting sometime from the 18th-26th.

It will be good to be "back at it", but as I told my agent (When he asked if I was "happy to be back with my Shameless family"), it will be a struggle for me to "stay in the moment", appreciating another season of fun - and lovely paydays - and not spend the next five months fretting about how "this is it".

I can't rail against the "injustice of it all" or anything like that, because it's actually been a pretty sweet deal (Not too many actors get an 11-year recurring gig like this). And I can't curse Macy for pulling the plug (Cause I'm sure he's the one who did indeed "pull the plug"), because as I said when Emmy Rossum left, "actors don't get into acting to play the same role all their life" (Besides Macy's 70 years old - He should get to stop sometime if he wants to).

I'm just concerned about life moving forward without that "pretty sweet deal".

My agent says he'll get me on another show, and I want to believe that (And to be fair, while it seems a long shot - particularly since I don't want another recurring, I want a series regular - It doesn't seem impossible. After all, I got on the show I'm currently on).

But there's never been the demand for my services I hoped-and-dreamed for when I first came out here...and in casting terms...?

Let's just say, I don't seem to be aging like fine wine in that regard.

So I'm wondering how my guy is going to get me on a show when I'm barely getting auditions at all...which is why we're having lunch next week, to talk things through.

Cause I really want (and need) there to be life (And career) beyond Shameless.


Today I'm having lunch with my commercial agent.

This is more social than business; unlike on the theatrical side, there really isn't any "ladder" to be climbed with commercials - He just submits me for things, and I try to book them (The issue with commercials is more that they're mostly non-union now, so there are fewer and fewer opportunities for a union-man like myself).

But he's asked us to "check-in" with him every so often, which I haven't really done (Though I did attend the meeting last year), so I asked him to lunch.

(I imagine it'll be a bit of a bummer, talking about "The Business" - cause, as previously mentioned, the trends are very not-good - but it'll be interesting to get his take on my upcoming transition, and just chat with him about this and that.)


Partly in an effort to battle my chronic funk, and to make my life nicer in general, I've recently been trying to make something social happen - calling friends and trying to arrange some play-dates.

It's not easy.

I struggle to even call people, in this day and age. It just seems like an "imposition" to spontaneously call someone (At the same time, I feel awkward about texting someone to say, "Can I call you?").

But beyond my own emotional reticence, it's just logistically hard to pull off; Nobody really wants to have to drive too far, everyone's so busy, schedules are weird when you're dealing with performer-types, etc.

But I'm trying.

So far unsuccessfully...but I'm trying.

(Actually just postponed lunch with my commercial agent because it's raining - This after deciding we weren't going to let some little virus stop us getting together.)


The documentary seems to be moving briskly, at least relative to the expectation Seth set in my mind (Of the editing process possibly taking all of 2020).

Jane's recently shared with me some of her editing notes.

For a hot minute, I actually thought, "I wish I were there seeing what she's referencing". But then I thought better of it - I'm not a Director or an Editor, so it's likely watching her decide to cut things I might like (i.e. anything I think makes me look "cool") in service of the larger picture might be a little painful.

But she's very enthusiastic, and excited about the footage she's got to work with.

(And, much like the Coronavirus, her enthusiasm is infectious.)

She's been planning to come back to LA in May, but in light of circumstances (Will flying be advisable, or even possible, by that time?) is considering coming sooner for a week.

Adding urgency to what didn't initially seem urgent to me, she wants to get some kind of generally-upbeat "summing up" interview with me, that may-or-may-not be the end of the film.

It feels like she's bumping up against the dilemma I always had when people used to say "You should write your life story...!", which is basically "coming up with a happy ending".

So when she told me she wanted to get this interview in now - rather than potentially having to wait till who-knows-when (Or cross her fingers that I said something we already have that will work) and potentially delay completing the film - I wanted to be agreeable, but felt a huge rush of anxiety.

Of course the ending has to be "upbeat"...but "upbeat" has been a life-long struggle.

And I'm guessing, "I feel like I've lost, but I've still gotta play this out..." isn't quite the end-note she's going for.

But that said, I think I can at least speak to being proud that I've hung on this long and have had some success and am still going.

I hope that's enough, cause that's pretty much what I've got - Anything, everything, else is looking pretty pipe-dreamish. at the moment.

Till next time...


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