9:04 pm - Fri 12/4/2009
(Recording Ugly Betty as I do this - Ugly Betty, by the by, is moving to Wednesdays at 10:00, which I think is a good thing. But anyway...)
I don't want to say I'm "unhappy" these days, because that implies that's all I am these days, and that would be implying a lie; I haven't been unhappy all the time lately - Just most of the time.
I've struggled mightily of late with extremely unhappy thoughts, the lion's-share centering around matters financial.
As I said in my last entry, I wouldn't have expected to feel so...well, so poor, basically, coming off my success in the second half of '09 - but here we are; my earnings (Not counting residuals, which we'll get to momentarily) were eaten up - and then some - by expenses, leaving me frequently shaking my fist and yelling at the anthropomorphic God I don't believe in, "How @#!! successful do I have to be to just to keep my head above water here...?".
I'm hoping commercial residuals will come riding to my fiscal rescue - but I don't know when those commercials will start running, how often they'll run, or how long they'll run.
So basically, I don't know shit.
And when you worry like I do, that's a lot of "not knowing" to work with.
(JS told me, in his experience, that FedEx tends to run their commercials a lot, and for a fairly long time, so here's hoping they stick with that policy for my spot. Kayak.com, on the other hand, is pretty much a big question mark, since he's never dealt with them before.)
And here's where I have the potential to get myself into trouble, even in here - I want to write about how I'm feeling right now, but worry that even writing about it is going to, in effect, get me "revved up" all over again.
Basically, worrying about money in the here-and-now opens a Pandora's Box of worries about my "viability" in general.
(And now, I will demonstrate why reading, while typically a worthwhile pursuit, is not always a good thing...)
Read an article a couple months back - I forget whether it was on Backstage.com or Variety.com - about "the death of the middle-class actor".
It wasn't really news, per se (That it's becoming next to impossible for formerly mid-level "working actors" to make a living because residuals are drying up thanks for the Internet), but there was something about the utter hopelessness of the article that hit me hard.
"Sounding the death knell for my dreams" hard.
The author didn't provide any "silver lining" that I recall, just basically said, "Yeah, it's too bad if you were hoping to make a living someday as an actor, cause it ain't gonna happen".
It left me wondering, "How am I going to get 'from here to there' if there's no 'there' to get to anymore?".
Cause at this point, the idea of "stardom" is pure fantasy (I'm an ugly middle-aged guy with no credits to speak of, so let's be honest - No one's looking to make me a star), but being a successful working actor, on the other hand, was something that, while still a very tall order, didn't seem out-of-the-realm of possibility.
If I don't have that...then what's left?
There doesn't seem much to do but to forge onward, best I can, for as long as I can, and hope for a miracle.
(That's not really the end of my depressing, unhappy thoughts - It barely scratches the surface, to be honest - but stick in thoughts of aging, loneliness, reduced opportunities, physical infirmities, fears of increasing poverty and possible homelessness, the eventual death or estrangement of friends, and my own slow, painful demise, and you've pretty much got the idea.)
So anyway, what else is going on...?
Well, while I wasn't happy about having to buy a new bike, and am not thrilled that the chain has come off three times (Though the third time was probably because I didn't put it back on right the second time), I've been enjoying the new bike - I rode to Santa Monica on Tuesday (For the Emerald Nuts audition and the Bud Lite callback), and had a really fun, easy ride down Venice Blvd.
(Usually when I ride my bike to Santa Monica, I start "running out of gas", so to speak, on the way back. But that wasn't really an issue on Tuesday.)
Happily, my "stories" are still new, which is nice - The longer I have new tv shows to watch, the longer I can stave off the worst of the previously-discussed "extremely unhappy thoughts".
And while I'm losing four WW meetings this month to the holidays, I will probably come out ahead on meetings in the next few months, due to people needing subs, and a seasonal increase in membership.
(In terms of the potential financial reward, it's no booking a national commercial...but it's "better than a poke in the eye", as they say.)
And that's pretty much all I've got on the "plus" side right now.
Beyond "being grateful for what I have right now" - My head's not in the best of places, to say the least, but the fact is, in the here-and-now, which is the only thing I can count on at this point, I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, I have at least the possibility of better times to come, etc.
And I have at least a handful of people interested enough in me to read this drivel (So thank you, "handful of people").
Right here, right now, things are okay.
And it's gotten late, and since I don't think I have it in me to drum up any more positive of a sentiment than that...I'm going to bed.
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