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12:03 pm - Fri 5.17.2013
Tried to "venture out of my comfort zone" this year, and actually ask some people to hang out with me on my birthday (Instead of just feeling bad for being alone). It didn't work out initially - since I've spent the majority of the past year (The past number of years, actually) socializing with Howard, Nathaniel, and Pat, seemed to make sense to get them together for whatever-it-was-going-to-be, but that didn't happen, which was upsetting (Bringing out my more childish side) - but then Josh said he and Michelle would come out, and we ended up having late-evening pie at House of Pies, which put a nice ending on a day that had started out feeling fairly bad. I've said it before, but sort of "lost sight of it" for awhile this year - I don't have family (Well, didn't have family for a long time), I don't have a lot of close friends, and frankly, I'm pretty bad at acknowledging other people's birthdays (If someone gets a card or call from me on their birthday, that's me trying really hard to "be a person"), which all means it's really pretty amazing that anyone acknowledges my birthday. What I just wrote has gotten me to thinking, "Why don't I acknowledge other peoples' birthdays more?". I don't want the whole entry to be taken-over by this, because there's something else I want to write about as well, so I'll just say the main "issue", I think, is that I have a hard time "threading the needle", between not feeling like a card is enough and having no idea what else to do (and typically, having pretty limited means to do something if I were to come up with "something else"). It's not "the whole picture", but that "making someone else's birthday all about me" ("I'm uncomfortable that I can't do enough for your birthday, so instead, I'll just pretend it's not happening and do nothing")does go a long way, I think, toward explaining why I'm kind of a dick in this regard. But it's something I'm working on - "Jim, the people who know you know you have limited means, and it doesn't matter to them if you don't buy them a big "thing" for their birthday. They have people who will do a big thing with them, or buy a big thing for them. They are probably quite happy to just have you acknowledge it's their birthday. So don't be a dick just because you're embarrassed, or whatever's going on in your convoluted thinking. Try making it about someone else every so often". Even though I titled my last entry "The Lull", writing about how things were slowing to a virtual stop, and I shouldn't expect anything "interesting" to happen with acting for a few months, I still went through the day yesterday hoping I'd get a call for an audition, and being disappointed that this is now the second week in a row without an audition. It's like I don't read my own writing or something... Right this very minute, it's not like I'm hurting for money or anything. Now it's more "emotional" - Without auditions, I feel like "nothing's happening", and I get bored, and feel like nothing means much, and that I don't mean much. Yes, it's an overreaction to a temporary situation...but it's there. But now I've gotta run - See the latest Star Trek movie with Howard. More later...
7:35 pm - Sun 5.16.2010 Another birthday come and gone... It was pretty uneventful for the most part, as they usually are. In the evening, my friend Cary took me out to dinner, which was very nice (We went to the Eclectic Cafe in Noho). When he dropped me off at the Metro station afterward, I told him I'd worried (As the evening began) that I wouldn't have anything to say - for whatever reason, I'm not feeling terribly interesting these days - but happily, we managed to chat for the better part of three hours. (...which makes me wonder why, when I talked to Margaret C. recently, we couldn't talk on the phone for five minutes without it being strained and awkward. But anyway...) Still thinking about my Castle appearance... Watching it on Monday, my first response was horror at how god-awful ugly I am (That's always my first response to seeing myself on tv - You'd figure at this point, with a number of tv appearances and commercials to my credit, I'd be over being shocked at my hideousness...but I'm really not. In the first moment I see myself onscreen, I find my homely visage downright startling). My second response was disappointment - They edited the scene down to about half of what we shot that day. But as I watched the scene over and over, I couldn't find fault with the editing. On the contrary, they got it down to the essentials (All you need to know for the plot - the other motel clerk didn't show up for work, and the room in question had been rented for four nights by "Scarlett O'Hara" - was there), and they gave the scene a nice little "button" by ending with my deadpan line "It's that kind of place". So, getting past my looks, and my desire for more screen time, I was pretty satisfied with what made it to the finished episode (There was one small thing I thought I could have done differently, though small enough that I don't know if it would have made any difference. But on the plus side, I give myself a hearty pat-on-the-back for understanding "It's that kind of place" was the "comic gold" in the scene, and playing it accordingly). So Castle is now a done deal - from shooting the scene to getting the check to watching it (And more importantly, having other people watching it) on tv. All the remains - beyond hoping it has a nice half-life on dvd and in syndication - is to hope that somehow, some way, it'll lead to other things. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I've booked so far, to get a sense of what character "type" is emerging. I don't, by and large, play professional guys (Though that said, I'm an office worker in my FedEx spot, and an office manager in my Kayak spot. So I'm not quite as "blue collar" as I was when I was fat). But what comes across more clearly in my casting than a given "occupational type" is a certain "emotional type" - In almost everything I've done so far, I'm basically "Unhappy Guy". But it's "second tier" unhappiness. My characters aren't going to jump off a cliff or pull out a gun and shoot up their work place - though as an actor, I'd really enjoy playing either of those scenarios - they're just stressed and depressed and defeated by life, their job, what-have-you...but not to the point where they're going to do much about it (Except, perhaps, to make other character's lives a bit more difficult along the way). I can't say I'd be totally satisfied as an actor if that's all I ever got to do - I have more I can bring to the table than "second tier unhappiness" (like intelligence, wit, warmth, etc) - but there's at least some "wiggle room" there, where I'm not trotting out the same stock character every time (I really wouldn't be happy if I became the go-to guy for "depressed and defeated" comic relief characters). Well, speaking of acting, I think I'm going to call it a night (It's gotten late), and spend some quality time with my tv, watching other actors act.
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