3:52 pm - Tues 7/17/07
Envelopes and Post-Its (Part II)

Tues 7/17/07 (11:11 a.m.)

On the most recently updated list of �World�s Most Expensive Cities�, L.A. was #42, which is down from #29 last year (New York City, where I always thought I was going to end up, was #15).

It makes me wonder, �Did other cities get more expensive this year?�. Cause it doesn�t seem to me like L.A.�s gotten any cheaper.

(For the record, L.A. and NYC were the only two American cities to make the �Most Expensive� list)

Of their Top-10, I�ve seen:

1. Away From Her
2. Once
3. Knocked Up
4. Hot Fuzz
5. Sicko
6. Zodiac
7. Waitress

(I hadn�t seen any of the �Worst-Reviewed�)

I�m the kind of guy who wonders about things like this, but is typically too lazy to do the legwork to find out. But now this info is just a few mouse-clicks away, so when I recently saw Heat on tv, I looked it up: Heat came out in December of �95, while the North Hollywood shoot-out happened over two years later.

And that being the case, I�m a little sensitive to jokes on tv about single, middle aged guys with cats (Basically being that they�re the height of lonely pathetic-ness).

And if you�re not a single, middle-aged guy with a cat, you probably don�t notice it, but those jokes come up more often than you might imagine.

I want to say, �What the hell�s wrong with me having a cat?�, but I get what they�re driving at�Cat ownership suggests a guy who can�t sustain human relationships, and is even too lazy and commitment-phobic for the demands of having a dog.

During the resulting conversation, Javier suggested that I �protect people from my anger� by taking it on myself (As if I were saying the same thing to myself that I wanted to say to the Virginia Tech murderer��Kill yourself before you kill anyone else�).

It�s an interesting notion, and the idea has come up in therapy before� but it doesn�t feel �right� to me.

My anger�rage, really (�anger� doesn�t cover it)--has always been directed more at myself than others. That�s totally true. But I don�t think it�s a particularly altruistic impulse on my part.

As a child, it was simply the best coping-mechanism I had at my disposal.

And now, as an adult, I think that ancient coping-mechanism has been layered over with practical �adult considerations� as well, considerations having more to do with my safety and well-being than with my urge to �protect� others�I can �lash out� at myself as much as I want (If I slap myself in the face--or punch myself on the thigh or in the stomach--while I�m at home, who cares?). But to turn that rage outwards, to �lash out� at others�bosses, customers, casting people, etc.-- could mean getting fired, going to jail, and getting invited out even less than I do now.

1. Children Of A Lesser God
2. Officer And A Gentleman
3. Fabulous Baker Boys
4. Before Sunset (Which reminds me�I�ve still never seen Before Sunrise. I want to check that out sometime...)

The conversation we had crystallized the disgust I have with the society I live in, where the making of money trumps every other consideration.

And I�m not too hopeful that we�re going to turn that around before it�s too late.

My mind won�t let go of the fact that it�s �weird� to make thousands of dollars from such a �stupid� thing (At this point, I�m pretty sure I�ve made more from that bit of nothing than from everything else I�ve done out here put together). I have to constantly persuade myself that it�s �okay�, that I�ve �earned the right� to make a shitload of money from this thing, even if it feels worthless to me (Obviously, it�s worth something to somebody, or else I wouldn�t be getting paid).

I�m not going to start sending the checks back, don�t get me wrong. This just conflicts with my sense of getting paid for something �valuable�, something�as I said in my last entry�that�s �worth doing�. It makes me realize that I crave not just money in my career, but meaning. A �sense of purpose�, if you will.

I have another �internal conflict�, though not nearly as pressing, centered around my cat Kipper.

He�s declawed (I�m his third owner; the first owner was the one who did the deed). And I�ve read enough to know that it�s wrong to declaw a cat, that�s it painful and cruel and so-forth.

But honestly? I love that he�s declawed. I love that he�s declawed, and I think I�m more loving towards him because he�s declawed; I�m not frustrated or resentful that he�s scratching up my stuff, and I�m not afraid of him scratching the shit out of me, as a subtle way of letting me know he�s had enough of being held or petted or what-have-you (Or even accidently poking me when he crawls on top of me when I�m lying in bed watching tv).

It�s just...weird, to know intellectually that something is �wrong�, but to have reaped a lot of benefit from that �wrongness�.

But that competitive drive has come back to bite me in the ass�First Jen C. books three or four times as many co-star roles as I do, and better ones. Then Kim H. books a lead in a film. And now Joe W. has booked a recurring role on Gray�s Anatomy (He�s one of the new interns, so there�s every possibility he could go from �recurring� to �series regular� in a heartbeat).

I can handle people having a little success here and there. It�s actually positive, in fact; I�ve often said, to third parties, �it just goes to show that it can actually happen�.

But to have all these people blasting past me at super-speed...sucks. Cause it�s happening because they�re younger and prettier, and no amount of talent or effort on my part is going to change that.

But I knew the deal before I came out here. To quote Mr Pupo, �America only worships youth and beauty�, so I knew success, if it was going to happen, would not come quickly or easily for me.

But success will come. Cause I do have talent, I have a �unique� look, and I�m not going away. I just have to remember to compete with myself, and forget about everyone else.

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