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7:28 am - Wed 3/27/02 (Well, in at least one small regard, I guess I haven't been as "scatterbrained" as I thought lately; I did manage to actually get a tape INTO the VCR for the Academy Awards. I just didn't have it on the right SPEED, and when the tape ran out it ejected from the machine for some reason. So I only caught the first five or six hours of the show. But anyway...) I pooped out in here yesterday before I got to something pretty important--I got called to audition for another film! (I got the message on Sunday, checking my voicemail while I was at work.) It's called "The Devil's Hand", and I don't really know much about it at this point; It's something about a middle-aged man being tempted by the Devil, which was really all I needed to hear in order to send a headshot out (I figure I could play "The Devil" easily enough. And while it would be a STRETCH, I think given enough prep time I could even play a middle-aged man, if they wanted to go THAT way). They're supposed to send me my "sides"--the scene they want me to audition with--today, and the audition is scheduled for this coming Tuesday at 10:50 am (I don't have the address yet, but it's at the IFP--Independent Film Project--which is somewhere on Wilshire). I'm pretty happy with this turn of events, on a couple fronts... I've wrestled quite a bit with doubts about just how "castable" I would BE out here, so anytime someone looks at my headshot and thinks, "This might be the guy...", that feels like a small VICTORY to me. And the LAST time someone called me about a film, I didn't handle it too well. Basically, I acted as if I were coming to the table begging for scraps; The guy called, giving me a day or two's notice before wanting to see me, and I stressed out because there was a conflict with my work schedule, and was afraid I was going to miss out if I didn't fit my schedule to HIS needs. We played phone tag a couple times, and I think now that my palpable anxiety each time I left a message was probably NOT a winning sales tool (So REMEMBER this if you want to come out to Hollywood and be a big-time actor; Sounding like you're going to mess your pants when you talk to a producer or director will NOT inspire confidence on their part). This time out, I made a point of responding to the initial message as quickly as I COULD, but I didn't act as if the choice was between losing my job at Borders or missing out on doing this film. There were a few rounds of "phone tag", where I left calm, cool, and collected messages, and when we finally hooked up, and "Yasmine" suggested an afternoon appointment for the audition, I quite reasonably said, "That might conflict with my work schedule next week. Can we do something in the morning instead?" (And it turned out we COULD). So anyway, that's something coming up that I'm enthused about. (Well, I only got the first two hours of the Oscar broadcast. Enough to see the film tribute to New York City, introduced by Woody Allen, and the honorary Oscar presented to Sidney Poitier, which were both great presentations--very moving. In addition, there was the performance by Cirque de Soleil, which I fast-forwarded through; I'd rather have just seen the film montage that was playing behind them during their act.) _________________________________________________ Felt really good yesterday, for at least a good portion of the day (Before fatigue-and-boredom-induced-depression started hitting me in my last hours at work). There was something very FREEING for me about what I wrote in here recently. The whole "I know who I am, where I belong, and what I want to do" bit made me feel, somehow, like pretty much everything I want is POSSIBLE (Actually, MORE than just "possible"; Maybe closer to "inevitable"). I know where I want to BE, so it's just a question of moving myself in that DIRECTION. And I had a really nice chat with Carrie yesterday, that was very meaningful to me on a number of counts. We talked about Diaryland, and the "soul searching" I've been doing lately (Like Lauren And Jane, Carrie has been VERY supportive when she feels I'm "taking a step forward" in here). She said she's sometimes wanted to "comment" on things I've written, but has refrained, because she didn't want to "stifle" my expression, or have me become angry or upset by what she might say (It's particularly easy for misunderstandings and hurt feelings to develop when you don't have cues of facial expression and tone-of-voice to MODULATE the words). In other words, sometimes I've pissed her off in here. Sometimes, as she put it during our chat, "I've wanted to do like Cher in 'Moonstruck', and smack you upside the head and tell you to 'Snap OUT of it!'". Sometimes, I've probably said things that have angered her as a woman (I doubt many women who read my journal really NEED to hear my fantasies about Amanda-with-the-great-ass, for just one example). And recently I said something that hurt her feelings (And part of me wants to hash THAT out in here--Explain my feelings, defend the sentiment expressed, rationalize how it was more a comment on ME than anything else--but I'm not going to). It's an ongoing source of TENSION for me. I want to move closer and closer to "the real me" in here, and remove, as much as possible, the "Inner Critic/Censor", but I don't live in a vacuum; The more honest I get, the more "real", the more likely it is that I'm going to reveal myself to be a not-always-nice person, the more likely I'm going to say something (Or a NUMBER of "somethings") that will anger and/or offend, the more likely I'm going to be to HURT someone, even if it's not intentional. Where we seemed to leave things was that we're very likely at this point--long-time friends that we are--to be able to weather anything I might say in here, and anything she might say in RESPONSE to anything I might say in here ( I DO have something of a phobia about conflict, probably due to my unfortunate upbringing. I haven't had many good models for "conflict resolution"; In my experience, conflict, often as not, has meant the end of a relationship. But I also realize that conflicts happen, and getting OVER it is part of what makes your close friends your close friends). (END) Well, when I got home from work last night, I logged on, and there was an e-mail from Yasmine, my "Devil's Hand" connection, with an attachment containing my "scene". I'm reading for "John Friday". The bartender. I have three lines. They are as follows: 1. "Did you find your lighter?" 2. "Man, you haven't even started drinking yet." 3. "It's over there." (Or it might be "It's THAT way". SOMETHING to that effect.) As you might imagine, I was a little DISAPPOINTED. Actually, I was a LOT disappointed, but in a way, it's a testament to the "cockeyed optimist" lurking deep within me; When I got the message on my voicemail Sunday, I just ASSUMED they wanted me for one of the main roles (After all, I'm middle-aged, and have been known to have a devilish gleam in my eye from time-to-time, so playing a middle-aged man, or the Devil himself, didn't seem like out-of-this-world casting to me). It occurred to me to call and cancel the audition--"I'm not going to waste my time on such a NOTHING part..."--but then, using my rudimentary positive thinking skills, I decided maybe it was for the best; The audition is at the IFP on Wilshire (very easy to me to get to on my bicycle), and in terms of the SIZE of the role, it'll mean minimal conflict with work (I can't imagine this little scene taking more than a day, and probably less than that), and maybe I don't NEED my first time out of the shoot to come with all the pressure of "carrying" a picture. And it MIGHT be a paying gig. I'm not SURE, and it might be me being overly optimistic again, but when I talked to Yasmine, she asked me if I was in the union or not (Making me wonder if that question was to determine how much they'd have to PAY me). But ANYWAY...I'm going to do the audition, and we'll see what happens. (Watching "Regis and Kelly". Celine Dion is a guest, which gives me a chance to see if the little-used "mute" button on my remote still works...) I want to go back to my recent conversation with Carrie... She expressed total confidence that I'll succeed out here, suggesting it's just a matter of WHEN it'll happen. I ALWAYS like when people say that, but it means more when SOME people say it than others; Carrie has known me longer than anyone else in my life at this point--the only person who has seen my work as an actor from high school through "the Lansing years"-- and if SHE still believes that, if she always HAS believed that and is STILL in my corner, wanting for me what I want for myself, that says a lot to me. I've said it before, but I've found myself thinking about it again over the past couple days... Until I started planning to leave Lansing and come here, I never gave much thought to OTHER PEOPLE and how my doing this might impact THEM. I don't want to suggest that anyone's life or happiness hinges on what does or doesn't happen in MY life, but the idea that my success might INSPIRE someone else, or even just make someone's life a little more FUN ("I knew Jim Hoffmaster BEFORE he had the #1 show on NBC. In fact, he still owes me MONEY, the BASTARD!"), well...that kinda TICKLES me. Because that's part of what it's ABOUT for me. I've often watched tv, or been at the movies, and thought, "I want people to have the same experience watching ME that I just had". To have their view of life broadened, or to be inspired to do that thing they've always wanted to do. To fantasize about what might be POSSIBLE, or even to just laugh their asses off and forget their troubles for a time. I've thought about people watching me on tv or in a movie, and being effected by that, but until fairly recently, never gave much thought to the effect I might have on people along the WAY, but in any case, it boils down to wanting to have an IMPACT on people. Maybe having an oversized NEED to have an impact on people, due to my unfortunate childhood (But that said, I don't want to make this sound TOO "dysfunctional"; I don't think it's a bad thing to want to make people FEEL good, or to have a positive impact on their lives. It's just the need to have an impact on MILLIONS of people that one might WONDER about). But more important than Carrie feeling like my success is inevitable is the fact that she LOVES me. There's only a few people I assume I'm going to be connected with from now till one or the other of us kicks off. Carrie is one of those people. And it's a good thing for me to hear, something that I didn't hear much of early on--There are people who love me, flaws and all, and I don't have to DO anything to "deserve" it, except to just be ME. Hard for me to UNDERSTAND, but there it is. (I feel like I've gone on for DAYS here, but I've still got more I want to say...) Another thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately, and it struck me again while I was writing about Carrie being sure I'm going to succeed out here, is how I'm going to be tremendously GRACIOUS about my success. I've talked about celebrities coming into the store. Usually it's kinda cool, but not really that big a deal. But sometimes I get kinda GEEKED about it, and sometimes, it's made me unhappy and uncomfortable; I don't WANT to be the person who's "geeked" about seeing a celebrity, I want to BE the celebrity someone ELSE is geeked about seeing. (I was just watching Jennifer Garner--The star of "Alias", one of my favorite shows--on "Rosie". I turned it off when they had her husband, Scott Foley, come on. Don't really need to see my girl with another man, even if he IS her husband. Anyway...) My point, if I have one, is that I fully expect to be the same basically good guy I am now when I'm famous. Again, it goes back to wanting to have a positive impact on other people. I think it'll be fun to brighten a stranger's day by just TALKING to them, just by being friendly (I kind of do that NOW, but you KNOW what I mean). I really like the idea of someone going home and telling their husband or wife or kids or whomever, "Jim Hoffmaster came in today. We talked for awhile, and he was really COOL...". And that day is coming. Right now though, more mundane matters intrude on this delightful reverie... I just sent off payments for two of my credit cards. I still have to pay the telephone, cell phone, and cable bills this month, and my most recent paycheck, thanks to the short hours last week, is over $100 short for paying my rent (Usually, it's only about $60 short for paying my rent). So by my estimation, by the time I finish paying all the bills this month, I'm going to have about $45 between now and my next paycheck (On the fifth of next month). But I'm sure things will work out...
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