11:00 pm - Weds 1.19.2011
The Word Of The Day Is \"Pragmatism\"

Where to begin...?

Well, on the medical front, I was back at Dr A's office on Monday, and he told me I have an "inflamed disc" (Hence the neck pain/muscle spasms).

(A brief aside: When I went in for the neck ct, I was torn; While I feared it would be something serious requiring surgical intervention - "Jim, I'm afraid you're going to need a complete neck-otomy..." - I wanted there to be something wrong, because otherwise, I'm in pain that has no foreseeable end, for no discernible reason. And that would suck.)

How did I get an "inflamed disc"?
I don't know - for some reason, I didn't ask, and Dr A. didn't tell me - but a casual Google search just led me to a website that said it could be caused by an infection (!), and that the treatment is typically antibiotics to treat the infection, and steroids to...ummm...do the thing that steroids do (Reduce inflammation?).

So anyway, I'm currently taking two antibiotics - I was already on one, but the Dr added another on Monday - and a course of Prednisone.

And while my neck still feels...not right, I'm happy to report that, so far this week, I've had none of the muscle spasms that had me alternately cursing and crying for three or four days and nights last week.

(Seriously, I wasn't just in pain - which I'm really not used to, I realized - I was scared, thinking to myself, "What if this happens when I'm at Weight Watchers? What if it happens when I'm at an audition?".)

So I'm crossing my fingers, wishing on a star, so on and so forth, that this current round of drugs is going to do the trick...so I can put this unpleasantness behind me...and start dealing with all my other bodily issues.

Feeling better-if-not-completely-healed-yet seems to have helped my mood in general (Which has been fairly grim, by and large, so far in the New Year.)

I told Bette - who asked me to call her after I visited Dr A. on Monday - that the "word of the day" for me seems to be "Pragmatic".

What do I mean by that, you wonder?

I think it would be helpful, in terms of dealing with my negative emotions/patterns of thinking, to ask, "Does this do anything productive? Does it feel good? Does it get me anything I want? Does it get me closer to my goals?".

And if it doesn't, the next question is, "So what are you going to do?"

One of the "patterns of thinking" I have that isn't terribly helpful is that I get mad at myself for being negative (It's kind of funny, when I think about it - My response to my negative "default mode" is to basically say "Quit being so negative, Asshole!")

For me to really change, and for this new "Pragmatism" to really take hold, I need to acknowledge that I feel the way I do, and that it's okay that I feel that way, and I'm not stupid or weak or a bad person for it...then move on.

Look for solutions.

Than take action.

(You're probably going to read a lot more about this in here before it's all said and done. But for now, let's move on...)

Got a notice earlier today about an audition for Miller Lite tomorrow afternoon.

And it showed me that desire is a powerful thing - I know I can't audition for a Miller Lite commercial because of my Budweiser spot, but I'm so hungry for auditions (and bookings), that I called JS to confirm the audition without even thinking about it.

But happily, I barely had time to mourn that audition before getting a call from JS - I had another audition (For Playstation) in the morning.

I thought about it afterward; this is a tough career I've chosen, and I often sometimes feel overwhelmed by it.

But - as I'm sure I've said before - I've put myself in a tough spot here, but I've also put myself in a "spot" where on any given day, with any one audition, any one role, I could potentially change my entire life.

When I think about it that way, it's pretty cool.

Which brings me back to "Pragmatism".

Thinking that way - that I'm getting potentially life-changing opportunities 30-50 timss a year - is a much more motivating, inspiring point of view than walking around depressed and fearful because I've chosen such a difficult career.

But speaking of "careers" - and for that matter, of "inflamed discs" - I should get myself to bed; I don't know what exactly tomorrow's audition will require of me, but I'm guessing it'll involve being awake and able to use my neck to at least some degree.

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