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12:11 PM - Thurs 1.19.17
The Preamble

The Preamble

(My apologies to any particularly-invested readers: Didn't mean to let so much time go by between entries - Had an entry I was working on, then lost it somehow - but anyway...)

I have to go back and "catch" a couple things, regarding New Year's (Eve and Day), and my "Year In Review" entry. Really old news at this point, I know, but I gotta do it.

I talked with Mark and Jane on New Year's Eve, which was a nice way to ring in the New Year (While it was very pleasant and I'm glad it happened, that's not one of the things I need to "catch" in here - We already know Mark and Jane are super-cool).

If you remember from a previous entry, I had purchased some edibles some time back, in part to help me "get through the holidays", but I finished my remaining supply on Christmas Day (Which, as it turned out, was really too much - Ended up high all day long, and round about midnight, still quite buzzed, I was kinda "over it").

So I didn't have any pot for New Year's Eve, but nevertheless wanted to "alter my state" a bit.

Which left me with my store of alcoholic beverages (And it's kind of weird that I have a "store of alcoholic beverages", since I don't really drink) - A bottle of Cook's champagne (Which I'd deemed too cheap for my 2nd visit with Ryan, and have had in my fridge ever since), a bottle of "2-Buck Chuck" (That was a Xmas present from a WW member), and a 5th of Jack Daniels (That was left in the lobby of my building, which I grabbed on impulse).

But I haven't drank in forever, and couldn't decide which way to go - Champagne, wine, or JD?

Actually put the question out on Facebook - "Wanna drink for New Year's Eve, but can't decide what to break open..." - and the comment that made the decision for me was from a friend who said "I've had my worst hangovers from champagne and wine".

So I had a Jack&Coke, with two shots of Jack, and it was quite lovely - I was more buzzed than I would have imagined, but it was pleasant.

And when I finished it, and questioned whether I wanted/needed another, the answer was "no" (That's the big "news" here).

I think part of that decision involved my fear of hangovers (And the fact that I was having lunch with Cary on New Year's Day), but I was still surprised by the restraint, particularly in light of previously writing about sometimes "not being able to get high, or drunk, or full enough".

But as I think about it now, that's not a sensation I have every time I've gotten high, or drank, and certainly not every time I eat. In order to get to that point, I have to already be pretty far along my over-indulgent path.

And I don't know what it suggests - That whatever I'm trying to paper-over, it's not working? That "the doors of perception" haven't opened widely enough yet? That I'm still conscious? - but I do know that I was happy, after the fact, to be able to have one "adult beverage" on New Year's Eve and "call it good" (I don't identify as an "alcoholic" - I genuinely don't think I am - but between the family history, and that "I can't get drunk enough" place I can sometimes get to, I'm definitely "alcoholic-adjacent". In short, I don't have to over-do it - I think the fact I've become very "hangover-phobic" over the years really helps on that front - but there's always the possibility I could).

On New Year's Day, I had lunch with Cary at Fred62, and it was great fun (He brought me a Xmas present of a Batman mask he'd seen pictures of me messing with at Target, and a very generous Visa gift-certificate).

One thing that just struck me about when me and Cary get together - Our lives could hardly be more different, but I always enjoy talking to him immensely, and we never seem to hurt for things to talk about. I don't know what that says about us...but it says something (I guess that we're friends, and each genuinely want to know what's going on with the other person? That seems most likely).

As lunch with Cary was wrapping up, got a text from Kay H., inviting me to see La La Land with her at the ArcLight.

At that point, I knew that was one of the "screeners" I'd be getting from SAG, and was still hoping to get to one of the free screenings (Since it's the kind of movie you should see in a theater with an audience), so I wasn't eager to pay a premium to see the movie at ArcLight (Or as I have often called it, "The Rich-People's Theater").

Then I read the magic words in Kay's text - "My treat" (If I haven't previously identified her, Kay is a friend through WW).

We had something to eat at the cafe there (Where we ran into my old friend Casey R. - I worked at the theater some years back, in case you didn't know), and had a very nice time conversing about this and that and the other thing.

And we both liked the movie a lot (A lot of it takes place on the Warner lot, so it was fun to sort of feel like I was in the world of the movie - At one point, they ride past the sound-stage where we shoot Shameless, and it was hard for me not to yell out, "Hey! I work there!").

So New Year's Day was pretty great...which is why I wanted to make sure I wrote about it, almost three weeks into 2017 - I have my yearly hand-wringing about the difficulty of getting through the holidays, cause nothing's going on and I'm lonely and all that, so wanted to make sure I got in that this year was "an exception to the rule".

The other thing I wanted to write about was my "Year In Review" entry, particularly the stuff about Ryan.

(Speaking of Ryan, we've been communicating some lately - It's in her interest, in terms of finances and personal safety, to have a regular clientele - and she's offered me a big break to see her again. But while I'm very pleased I was a pleasant enough experience that she'd like me to be a regular, and I'd love to see her again, it just doesn't make sense, not when the only money I can count on coming in right now is Weight Watchers...but I'd be lying my ass off if I said she wasn't a big reason I'd like to have more financial/career success in 2017!)

One thing I neglected to write about in that entry was how interesting it was for me to write about the experience afterward.

I still remember sitting in front of the computer, wondering "How am I gonna write about this...?".

I know people who've read my journal are often impressed by how "revealing" I am...but I still think I'm pretty shy in some areas (Like writing about S-E-X).

But beyond - or "in addition to" - my personal reservations, I just wasn't sure, as a writer, what "approach" to take to the "material" (Since I had never written about what I was about to write about). Should I be modest, maybe coy, about what went on? Do I make it into a funny anecdote? Or should I just write about it, in a first-person, "This is a thing I did, and this is how it went" account?

I opted for the latter (At least I think that's the way it reads), and I'm glad I did.

Because I was afraid to reveal myself...but I did it anyway, and the republic didn't fall (Turned out, it was waiting for "President Trump"...but that's another entry).

And not only that, I had interactions with people I wouldn't have had otherwise, who I think were "given permission" to be candid by my candor (For example, pre-"writing those entries", I can't imagine having a discussion with another man about discovering, relatively late-in-life, our need for Magnum condoms, or having a female friend tell me she's considered hiring a male escort for herself).

I wondered if/hoped that "going through that door" would improve my writing in here.

I don't know that that's happened - it's not like I have some kind of interesting intimate experiences to write about on a regular basis, so who knows? - but I like that, when presented with something I was embarrassed to write about, I wrote about it anyway, and didn't die (On the contrary, I felt somewhat rewarded for it, in terms of how I felt about myself, and the candid interactions with some friends who read it).

Well, thought this would be the "getting this out of the way" preamble to the real entry I'd be writing today, but this has taken me a long time, I feel the need to lie down before work this evening, and I think it's probably enough for one sitting (I think about what I want to have happen in here...but I also find myself thinking about you, whoever-you-may-be, and how I want these entries to be enjoyable to read in one sitting).

So till next time...


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