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7:43 am - Mon 4/1/02 (Just finished looking over my lines for the show. I'm down to just looking them over before rehearsal at this point.) When I got back to work yesterday, I got some shocking news--Genevieve, one of the newest people at the bookstore, had died Thursday night. Apparently, she had a severe liver problem, and had a bad reaction to a new medication she was taking. A VERY bad reaction. She was 17. She was small, and pretty, with long dark hair, and seemed as healthy as anyone. I only worked with her a few times, but I'd started looking forward to her being around. She seemed like a fun person, with a good sense of humor (Which means she laughed at my efforts to be funny). And now she's gone. ________________________________________________ In the lighter side of the news--and what news WOULDN'T be lighter?--While I didn't win the Borders Oscar pool, I WAS one of four winners in the Schuler pool, which means I netted $13.50 (The Borders pool was a $1 to get in, with some 24 categories; The Schuler pool was just the main categories, and $3 to get in). I got the money, along with a nice letter by Kris V., in yesterday's mail. _________________________________________________ On Friday, I did take myself to the movies. All three movies at the Los Feliz theater were things I was interested in seeing--"Y Tu Mama Tambien", "Kissing Jessica Stein", and "Death to Smoochy". "Death to Smoochy" is getting mostly bad reviews, at least from what I've read so far, and "Jessica Stein" seems fun--and I'll probably see it next week, if it's still there--but there's probably not much TO it, so I decided to see "Y Tu Mama Tambien". It's a Mexican movie, with the basic premise of an American teen sex comedy--Two horny teenage guys go on a road trip with a sexy older woman--but it takes the premise and makes it genuinely funny, erotic, and ultimately a little sad. There's a third-person narrator in the movie, and a device I've seen a few times now that I really like--We're told, in the middle of the movie, what goes on to happen AFTER the story we're seeing (In American movies, I've seen this at the end of a movie, often times played for laughs in a comedy like "Animal House" or "Stripes", or in a little scroll at the end of some "true story". But it always concerns the MAIN characters of the story; In "Y Tu Mama", the movie takes a moment to tell us what happen to even subsidiary characters down the road. It has the neat effect of making the movie FULLER, somehow. It acknowledges the reality that EVERYONE has a story, and that the movie is just choosing to focus on a story about these PARTICULAR characters). (END) Just finished writing Lauren, in response to her most recent Diaryland entry... The entry dealt, in large part, with something that's an ongoing "issue" for me as well--Diaryland itself. I find writing in Diaryland pretty addicting. It has the appeal of journal writing--and I'd kept a journal for 20 years prior to Diaryland--but with the added kick of having an "audience". And in the situation I'm in now, with the people I'm closest to thousands of miles away, it's been a lifesaver in terms of my continuing to feel "connected" to people back home. BUT... I wonder if this is the most PRODUCTIVE use of my time. It seems to take FOREVER to write the average Diaryland entry, and sometimes I wonder if the time might be better spent doing other things. I LIKE to do it, but should I be doing it so MUCH? Where's the line between this HELPING me and HURTING me? AND... I've had an ongoing thing, since the very beginning, with being "honest"; How much am I going to be comfortable saying, knowing that "the world" is listening in(Or if not "the world", at least the two or three people who have taken an interest in my story)? I feel as if I'm becoming more "forthright" in here, and will probably move further in that direction as time goes by. But I continue to wrestle with the fear of being perceived as a "bad guy", the fear of being embarrassed, of coming off as pathetic and sad. And maybe worst of all, the fear of not being ENTERTAINING (Cause if I'm not entertaining you, you probably won't LIKE me). I don't think I'm ever DIS-honest in here. It's more like "lies of omission", a matter of the "degree of honesty"; I'll say THIS, but I'll neglect to say THAT. I'll allude to feelings I'm too embarrassed or uncomfortable to spell out more fully. "They don't want to HEAR that, Jim..." "If you get INTO that, you're only going to make yourself more DEPRESSED, Jim..." Blah, Blah, Blah, etc and so forth, ad nauseam. I want an "audience", but I'm afraid that audience will REJECT me. And if I'm afraid some unknown, unseen, mostly unheard-from "audience" will reject me, imagine how I feel about the handful of FRIENDS I have. But ANYWAY... Feeling anxious, upset, depressed, and generally SHITTY these days. It's partly the things I've described in here recently, negative little events that have left me feeling more than a bit DISPIRITED. But I'm also wrestling with the feeling of things moving out of my control, the anxiety of having things slipping AWAY from me. The car "situation" continues to nag at me. The apartment has slid into a high level of disrepair (And the worse it gets, the harder time I have getting myself to ATTEND to it). My taxes are still not done (And will be at least SOMEWHAT more complicated this year than in years past). The rear tire on my bike is "wobbling" again (At rehearsal on Sunday, the guys said my rim is bent. If that's the case, that's a $50+ repair). I continue to think I should be doing something OTHER than Borders, but don't know what I could do/should do that would be an IMPROVEMENT on my current situation, and not just a lateral move, or worse yet, a move DOWN the ladder (I'm pretty hamstrung by the fact that I don't really want to do ANYTHING. But BEYOND that, I just can't think of how I'd improve my situation in all the ways I think it NEEDS improving; I'd want something I'd be happy doing, that pays better, and that has all the flexibility I need for acting. And there are still MORE "requirements", but I think you get the gist of it). Feeling very fatigued, physically and otherwise. Feeling like things are pointless. Feeling like "fun", let alone honest-to-goodness "joy", is pretty hard to come by. Feeling a pretty profound "fear of the future" again (If I have no MONEY, how the hell am I going to PREPARE for the future, assuming I HAVE one?). Very, very GRIM and UNHAPPY thoughts punching at me. One of the biggies is pretty basic--"You've fucked up, Jim. You're forty years old, you've got no family, no career, no money, and you're putting your minimal resources towards a pipe dream you're very unlikely to realize. And even if you DO, it won't make you HAPPY." And the only answer I have to that insistent and persistent voice is to say, "This is what I'm doing to try and RECLAIM my life. This isn't me continuing to LOSE; This is me trying to get what I can GET out of life. This is me trying my best to NOT be "fucking up". I don't WANT to be a bookseller or a teacher or anything else--I want to ACT. And I don't know what else to do at this point but to try and make that HAPPEN." Right now, that's not seeming like a sufficient ANSWER. I feel EMPTY. Empty, and very, very ALONE (I KNOW I have friends out there. But when I'm here, doing work I don't want to do, feeling very poor and very tired and very unfulfilled and very scared and very small, pursuing a dream I'm not sure makes any SENSE, but not knowing what else to do with myself, it feels like my friends are very far away). And I know I'm going to feel better at some point, because...well, because there's some baseline level where I ALWAYS bounce back. Otherwise I'd KILL myself, and I'm too scared of death to kill myself. But this is HUGELY un-fun. And I feel so TIRED. If things don't FEEL right, what is it I SHOULD be doing? And my trouble is, I don't KNOW. How do I keep myself fed and clothed, pursue acting, and create a satisfying life for myself, all with no money,little sleep, and a mind that veers towards the most depressing of thoughts at the slightest opportunity? What can I do that will make me less afraid of a future I can only see as "very scary" right now? But I'm going to try and hop off the "Depressed Express" right now... _________________________________________________ I haven't turned my calendar over for April yet. I'm looking at "March", reviewing the "acting stuff" I did over the course of the month. 1. I read two books--"How to Sell Yourself As An Actor" (Kay Callan), and "Cold Reading" (Basil Hoffman) 2. I saw two plays--"Picasso At The Lapin Agile" and "Unholy Matrimony" 3. Sent out six headshots. 4. Called two agents ("Follow up" calls from headshots I'd sent out) 5. Called Cenex three times. 6. Rehearsed my show. 7. Went on my abortive film "audition" 8. Checked out two theater websites. (Hmmm...that somehow didn't make me feel less DEPRESSED...) Well, I could babble on, but I'm trying to learn when I have something to say, and when to shut the hell UP. So for now, anyway, I'm going to shut the hell UP.
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