9:34 am - Thurs 10.07.2010
The Big Prize Winner

After building up a big head of steam for yesterday's commercial audition - a five-spot series of commercials for T-Mobile - I'm extremely disappointed to report that it did not go as well as I'd hoped.

I would like to have booked it, of course...but since that's out of my hands, I would at least liked to have nailed the audition.

I would like to be able to say "I did my job" (Doing your best at the audition is your job as an actor; on the other hand, picking which actor gets the job is their job).

But I didn't "do my job".

Not. Even. Close.

It was the worst possible time to lose the auditioning mojo I've had over the past month or so.

I was so angry with myself afterward, so disappointed over feeling like I'd let a big opportunity slip through my fingers, that I would have cried...if there'd been anybody to cry to.

(If I don't have "a shoulder to cry on", if there's no sympathetic audience for my tears, I never cry, no matter how sad I'm feeling. Is that weird, or is that how it works for most people?)

Afterward, I was tempted - as I often am when a commercial audition has gone badly - to write an entry about how "difficult" commercial auditions can be for me, and why that is.

But while the challenges of commercial auditions is an interesting Diaryland topic - It is to me anyway - there's a level where it falls under pointless, unproductive whining: "Okay, commercial auditions are difficult - So what?".

It doesn't matter if commercial auditions sometimes feel dehumanizing and demoralizing, if it sometimes feels like an actively "actor-unfriendly" process - Cause it is what it is, it's not changing anytime soon, it's where the money is for most actors (Yours Truly included), and however "difficult" the process, someone ends up winning the prize.

And I need to step up my game, so I end up "the big prize-winner" more often.

Or, barring that, a call for another audition, to get the bad taste of failure out of my mouth.

But since that didn't happen, I decided, instead, to try to make something happen on another front - I emailed Shelley, asking what next week looked like for her, in terms of getting together.

(I figured since calling her didn't get the desired result, I'd try another avenue of communication.)

Haven't heard back, and I don't really know where I go from here.

I meant to be all "positive" and "proactive" by emailing her ("Well, if I can't make something good happen on this front, I'll make something good happen on that front"), but I've just made myself feel worse - "I didn't get the job...and it looks like I'm not getting the girl either...".

Painting in broad strokes, I'd say the actual space is almost an across-the-board improvement (Despite my initial reservations), while the location (About six blocks northwest of where I was) is decidedly less convenient (I'm further away from the grocery store, the drugstore, and the 99-Cent Store, and the bike routes from here to the places I bike to feel slightly more dangerous).

But if everything else were equal, paying $100 less in rent and having a parking space would still make where I'm at now the big prize-winner.

But the thing I keep thinking about, regarding the big move (I've been in the new place a month now) is how much I felt mired in a relatively unhappy situation - paying more rent than I wanted to pay, and dealing with my shitty parking situation - yet how quickly the situation I felt "mired in" changed.

Was awaiting contact from Shelley, and got it while I was writing this very entry.

Basically, it ain't happening.

I'm too tired to get into this right now, so I'll save it for next time.

(I'm just hoping "Bad things happen in threes" doesn't apply in this case.)

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