Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

7:32 am - Sat 4.10.2010
The Great Prognosticator

The Great Prognosticator

(Up early today - alarm's set for 8:45 - so I guess I should make use of the extra time...)

For the past couple days, I've been thinking about my chronic urge to "predict and control"...and how much I suck at it.

A small example: When I agreed to help Mark H. move, I worried about my right shoulder (And to a lesser extent, my back), which ended up being fine (While my legs weren't speaking to me for days afterward).

A bigger example: Got a voice-mail from Sharon yesterday (Sharon's my theatrical agent), telling me I'd booked a job.

She didn't say what job I'd booked...but the last time I booked something without an audition, it was a glorified extra role in a SAG "ultra low-budget" film (Off Hollywood).

So I wasn't very excited about the news. In fact, I was actually a little depressed; there (probably) wouldn't be any acting involved, I (probably) wouldn't be making a meaningful amount of money (particularly after taxes, Sharon and Brett's cuts, losing a Weight Watchers meeting or two, etc), and it (probably) wouldn't mean anything on my resume.

So why even bother?

And all this before I even talked to Sharon to get the details.

When I did speak to her directly, I found out it was actually the Castle folks who'd called, wanting me back next week (Or maybe the following week - They were checking my availability from the 13th-21st).

And when I called Brett - to give him the news - he told me he'd submitted me for a couple things in that episode, and the role they wanted me for was a guest-star!

So I was basically wrong on every count.

It's hard to not "decide how things are going to go" before they happen - Or in the case I've just described, before I even know any of the details (In an effort to "manage the experience" emotionally, whatever it is, before actually experiencing it).

Even now, I'm trying, on the one hand, to not worry (Brett said the role was in the Breakdowns as a guest-star, "so don't let them sell it to Sharon as a co-star"...which is something producers do sometimes), and trying, on the other hand, to not "get my hopes up" (I don't want to "snatch defeat from the jaws of victory" here by hoping I'll be "the bad guy", then finding out I'm "only" in two or three scenes).

So anyway...

I "get" that the urge to "predict and control" is human nature, but I can't see many instances where it's done me much good - On the contrary, I think nine-times-out-of-ten, I end up worrying about things that never happen, or being disappointed when good things happen, because they aren't as good as I'd imagined.

I don't think I ever get it exactly right (And so what if I did?) why bother?

You probably can't get to a place of "having no expectations" about anything - unless you're some kind of Zen-master - but I'm really starting to see it as a state of being to aspire to.

Anyway, I look forward to telling you more about my next Castle experience...when there's more to tell.

Stay tuned...


previous - next

0 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!