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3:06 pm - Sun 6/10/07
What Am I DOING Here?

What Am I DOING Here?

Mon 6/4/07 (4:20 p.m.)

Doing what I often do hereĖNot giving myself enough time to actually write (And more and more, I think thereís a point to that). But anyway...

Struggling with a lot of anxious, depressed feelings lately...I was going to blame it on the fear that things are drying-up, money-wise, but I donít think itís that (Or I donít think itís just that).

Iím feeling pointless and empty, I guess. Thereís not much going on right now, and Iím filling the void...with more void.

I keep checking my email over and over. For what, exactly, I donít know. I mean, itís nice to get an email from JaneĖmy only regular correspondentĖor just some nice thing in general (Like comments on a given entry), but thatís not exactly life-changing stuffĖI have a nice moment or two as I read whatever-it-is, then Iím basically back where I started.

I donít know what exactly Iím expecting an email to do for me that I check things so obsessively.

(This probably wasnít the right time to watch Leaving Las Vegas on IFC. Itís just a little depressing, if youíve never seen it.)

I have to start getting ready for work in the next fifteen minutes or so...

Well, whatís the good news...?

I have a commercial audition tomorrow, for T-Mobile, at Spot Casting (The place that brought me in for Coldstone). Thereís reason to be hopeful thereĖThose are good spots, and while I donít know that theyíre particularly long-lived, when they do run, they run a lot (What I want from a commercial now is to be the ďheroĒ in a spot, like with the ďBahamaventionĒ spotĖor the Time-Warner Cable spot a few years backĖbut to have it run nationally. I think it would be great if a spot made me a lot of money, and at the same time, gave my career a boost, with a lot of prime-time visibility).

And...ummm...I canít think of anything else...

I am looking forward to the season finale of The Shield tomorrow night.

And while we donít have Knocked Up at ArcLight, itís playing at one of my Los Feliz theaters, so Iím looking forward to seeing that on one of my days off (I was going to see it on Sunday, but couldnít quite motivate myself to get out of the apartment). I donít have any workshops scheduled till next Saturday, so even if I have auditions on my days off, I can still go see it in the evening.

(Insert a break for showering and getting ready for work here)

Donít want to go to work...really donít want to go to work...even though, in all likelihood, on a Monday night, working Guest Services wonít be that big a deal.

But anyway...

Well, hereís something to be grateful for: Last year around this time, I was having my little medical issue, and feeling pretty darned uncomfortable (Though at this point, Iím almost ready for another week-long, fluids-only hospital stay, so I could get another ďjump-startĒ on losing weight; I think one source of my low mood these days is that Iíve ballooned back up to almost 260 lbs).

Sat 6/9/07 (5:15 p.m.)

Saw two commercials on tv recently, things I went in for, but didn't get.

The first was that Burger King commercial that caused all the trouble (The one where they wouldn't let me audition because I had a mustache).

When I saw the actual commercial--for their Western Whopper--I was kind of glad things didn't work out (Though I still wish I'd just turned around and left when they'd told me to, instead of wanting to discuss the matter). The spot's pretty stupid, and I would have been embarrassed for people to see me in it (Ditto for the "tree kicking" Wendy's commercial. The feeling's not quite that I "ducked a bullet"...but it's close).

The other commercial I saw recently was the Hallmark Father's Day spot, with the middle aged guy fantasizing that he's MC Hammer (In the "U Can't Touch This" video). I went in for it, but didn't even get a callback.

The guy who got the gig is great. I don't like to admit this--I'd prefer thinking "the fix was in" every time someone else books the gig--but I was totally outclassed on this one (He had those "Hammer-time" moves down).

I've got a lot percolating in my head right now. A potpourri of stuff from therapy, the movies I've seen lately, bad thoughts I'm trying-unsuccessfully- to hold at bay, things I've been reading in Time and Newsweek and LA Weekly, stuff I've written down in my "pocket journal" or on the backs of envelopes (To write about later in here), etc.

Lately, I'm doing more avoiding writing in here than writing in here, and I don't like that.

I'm afraid of something, but I'm not sure what. But whatever it is--fear of disapproval, fear of dragging myself further down, whatever-- I want to get over it/past it/through it, because I need some way, some place, to express myself. And I don't like that I'm avoiding writing in here sometimes because I'm afraid (Though when it comes down to it, I think everything I avoid in life comes from fear--Fear of failure, disappointment, disapproval, frustration, et cetera).

Here's what I was thinking the other day--I'm going to start writing something in here every day. And if it's trivial, if it's meaningful, if it's funny, if it's depressing, if it's offensive, if it's writing for the ages or writing of no interest to anyone but me, then that's what it is.

Cause my writing is starting to bore me. And it's boring me because there's a wider and wider gulf between who I am and what gets in here. I think there's a more complete, complex person than the one that's making it to these entries.

So I need to "break down the walls" a bit, and figure out who I really am, and what it is I care bout.

And figure out what this online journal is in the process.


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