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2:41 pm - Fri 12/30/05
A Man With Certain Redeeming Qualities

A Man With Certain Redeeming Qualities

Wrote this windy offline entry last night, basically saying "I'm not happy with how I'm writing in Diaryland".

But instead of posting it here, I've decided to just correct the two things I don't like, and move on from there.

(I spend way too much time thinking/writing about what I want to do, and way too little time actually doing it.)

Did a good thing today, a good thing I initially tried to do earlier in the week: I "rolled over" my Borders 401K into an IRA at Wells Fargo, where I do my regular banking (It took a couple days to finally make this happen, as the banker I was working with struggled with his computer, his printer, and seemingly every other inanimate object in the bank).

Should feel good, to have gotten that done, wouldn't you think? I mean, I'm much more frightened about the future than I usually let on in here, and now I've actually done something to address that anxiety.

But it isn't seeming to help.

Because it's such a relatively tiny amount of money (A shade over $1300).

Because I don't know, at present, how I'm going to contribute to that "relatively tiny amount of money" in any meaningful way.

Because I didn't really understand what I was doing going in (I thought an IRA was basically a retirement savings account, not another investment/stock thing).

And because the guy who helped me was clearly not an IRA expert (His "experience" consisted of just having taken a seminar on the subject).

All-in-all, it's better than nothing, but it doesn't even approach "enough".


Jane emailed me today, in part about my last entry:

I'm afraid your idea is that if women get to know your "more complicated" inside self, they WON'T like it...

The way I think you may see yourself is: "ugly guy" -- (or at least, not Mr. Leading Man guy) with a "candy shell" of witty entertainingness that may attract people -- but an inner core of anger, selfishness, resentment that is sure to repel, so you're afraid to have women "get to know you" -- because in the past some of those relationships have ended badly... The Temper and all that...

BUT, your "life experiences" and "learning through loss," developing a better "corral for your demons" and your intelligence and communicativeness and interestingness and complexity (AND the "entertaining candy shell") make you more "marketable" now than you were during your long-time-previous relationships -- a potentially a better "boyfriend/partner/spouse" than you could have been before. Women want to feel needed -- to understand and to feel understood. You can do that.

Of course, it IS true many may blow you off to the "just friends" category -- but there's no hope of MORE than "just friends" if you don't qualify as a friend first. I think. It's kind of like the acting: if you could just get to AUDITION for "the role of the boyfriend" you could impress them -- but there has to be some "casting call" -- and THAT has been hard to get.

It SEEMS, tho, that these two ladies have maybe/kinda/sorta put out their "casting call" -- so I applaud all your efforts to follow up. I agree with you that the "there's no movie I want to see right now" line sounds like a put-off...but then again, why DID she e-mail you out of the blue? Maybe it is a "just friends" motivation -- maybe not wanting to seem too anxious... Maybe various insecurities, neuroses, fears on HER part.

I feel a little MORE optimistic about Teresa. The cheek-kiss thing... not insignificant -- (unless she does that as her "standard talk-show-host-greeting" to everybody.) And "I'm always up for seeing a movie" is pretty positive. And she wouldn't want to seem "desperate" or "assuming" by saying, "I'd really like to go out with you." That's understandable. I'd say the door is open -- the "casting call" is on -- and again, I applaud your efforts to brave the next step.

I'm wondering if either of these two is on to your web site --or knows others who read it... anyhow -- it seems risky, especially when there are TWO potential girlfriends out there, to have this "relationship material" on the site. I know, it's part of "your story" and therefore seems to "belong" -- but I worry it could be a problem....

One "answer" would be to send me "diaryland" entries about them, via- e-mail -- and I could "save" them into your "Master Document" but you could avoid posting them on the site. Maybe you could also do an edited, "generic" report that goes on the site -- and a more "gory details" or "insulting/sexual/inappropriate" version for the "Master D-land"... I don't know... It's a thought.

Well, enOUGH about you...

Pretty astute observations, I'd say...

I'm not as sold on my virtues as Jane is, but wouldn't deny they exist (In certain respects, I'm a hell of a guy). I just worry that you have to get past and around and through way too much in order to get to those virtues (The ones that go beyond the "candy shell"). Which is why I really do feel like if you're a woman, and you're not hooked on me right off the bat, it probably ain't gonna happen.

But I would say this, and this occurred to me recently before Jane addressed it in her email--I do feel like one thing I have to offer the right woman is ...well, all that stuff that Jane said, about being needed, and being understood, and being willing to let a woman understand me.

I'm afraid of intimacy, in one respect, because I've been rejected so often. But at the same time, I crave it, and I'm probably more capable of it, and appreciative of the rewards it offers, than I've ever been.

And writing about the two women I'm interested in when they could theoretically be "listening in" does seem like a somewhat dicey proposition. But at the same time, this is the most interesting stuff I've had to write about in ages...


Well, time's gotten away from me, but a couple of quick things...

Got two CDs from Tim F., the day after Xmas (More on that in the next entry).

Called Brett today--the ACG guy--and left a voicemail message about which workshops I wanted to attend next month. That felt good, because one thing that's had me so down this month is the feeling that December's been nothing but a four-week "holding pattern". I want to get back to auditions and casting workshops and booking gigs.

And got on the SBC website today, and signed up for voicemail for my "land line"; my answering machine crapped out recently, and even though I try to direct people towards my cell phone, I can't afford to miss messages from people who might try to reach me at home (And the SBC voicemail is preferable to an answering machine, in one regard--As long as I have dialup, I'm missing potential calls any time I'm on the computer).

Anyway...I gotta go. It's time for fun and games at the ArcLight.


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