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11:59 am - Sunday, Sept. 05, 2004

Answering My Own Questions (Second Attempt)

My friend "Caribou" actually answered my "survey questions" in her diary (I wanted to link to her, but can't get it to work for some reason. But if you're interested it's "").

I thought that was very cool, and then it occurred to me that I hadn't answered my own questions.

So here goes:

1. Legality aside, do you think you have it in you to kill someone? (For extra credit: If the answer is "yes", do you have anyone PARTICULAR in mind?)

I can imagine certain extreme circumstances where I could kill someone (As an actor, I think "imagining extreme circumstances" is part of my job). Say if my own life were on the line, or that of one of my close friends. But I don't dream of running around, wreaking havoc on all my "enemies" (I don't currently have any "enemies", so far as I know).

I used to fantasize about meeting Omar Pupo in a dark alley and wreaking some seriously dark vengeance upon him (Pupo was my foster father from the time I was nine or ten years old till I was a junior in high school), but I realized some time back that I'd just be whaling on some old man who used to mean something to me years ago.

2. When you fantasize, do you think about famous people, people you make up, or people you know in real life?

My sexual/fantasy life has become pretty narrowly focused--sadly, I think--on anonymous women on the internet. Though at any given time, I do have a few people I know in real life (or have known) who star in specific little sleazy scenarios. For whatever reason--and I think it's kind of odd, since I sort of want to be a celebrity when I grow up--I almost never fantasize about celebrities. And only occasionally will I "make someone up" to fill my needs.

3. Do you have something you'd really like to try sexually that you're too embarrassed to tell anyone about? (And would you like to tell ME all about it? In exquisite DETAIL?)

Back in the days I was having sexual relationships, I'd say there were definitely things I was embarrassed to admit I would like to do, or have done to me.

But I think, more importantly than experimenting with B&D, S&M, PDQ or XYZ, I regret that I was often too embarrassed to simply communicate during sex (And my sense now is that also applied to a number of the women I was with as well). And as a result, I had a lot of really crappy sex.

4. Is the glass half-full, half-empty, or usually spilled in your lap?

Unfortunately, I think I bounce between "half-empty" and "spilled in my lap". I think life trained me early on to be something of a "Sad Sack", to think that things were going to go badly, or that the Universe was actively working against me. I have to consciously, and continuously, pull myself towards seeing the "half fullness" of any given circumstance.

5. How long has it been since you broke the law? Or "HAVE you ever broken the law"?

Probably like most people, my "lawless ways" are currently confined to the occasional breaking of a traffic law.

I was convicted of assault & battery back in 1990, when I hit Beth, my girlfriend at the time, in the heat of a fight (My only experience with the legal system, and I hope to God it's my last).

6. One book, one movie, and one cd for the desert island. What ARE they?

Book--Complete Works of Shakespeare (Because there's a lot there, and it would take me a long time to get through it. And it's something I'd never read unless I were on a desert island.)

Movie--That's a hard one, because I don't know what movie would "wear" the best under repeated viewings, or distract me the most from my challenging circumstances. Maybe Raiders Of The Lost Ark? Either that, or a nice porno compilation :)

CD--Again, hard to pin it down to one. But it would probably end up being something by The Beatles (Maybe the recent #1 singles compilation) or Hendrix (Are You Experienced).

7. You can have one superpower. What would it be? Why?

Any of Superman's "major powers" would be pretty cool--Flight, Invulnerability, Super-Strength, Super-Speed--but it would be hard to pick between them.

Is is a sign of aging that suddenly Wolverine's "mutant healing factor" is looking pretty damned appealing to me? He can recover from almost any injury, and apparently, said "healing factor" even serves to slow down the deleterious effects of the aging process.

8. "The person who has had the most impact on me is...". And how so?

For the good, probably Lydia DeHaven, my first foster mother. I don't know that I'd still be here without her. She was the only real "parent" I've ever had.

For the bad, the previously mentioned Mr Pupo. He had the opportunity to be my hero, to be my father...and he blew it. Badly.

9. If you could change places with someone--Someone famous, someone you know, whomever--who would it be?

Maybe it's a sign that I'm actually starting to grow up, but the idea of "being someone else" is not nearly as compelling as it used to be. I might be envious of someone else's life--George Clooney comes to mind (Good looking, cool guy, successful, etc)--but I don't really want someone else's life, as much as I'd like my own fulfilling life.

10. Believer, Atheist, or Agnostic? And why.

Years back, I read a book by Charles Templeton (Was "Charles" his first name...?) called Farewell To God.

In the book, he stated, basically, that believing there was no God was just as illogical as believing there was one, because there's no way to know.

Over the years, I've found it harder and harder to swallow the vision of "God" that I grew up with, but nothing has ever really emerged to "fill the void".

Now, I bounce between trying to find something to "fill the void" (Because finding something that makes life make more sense and death less terrifying is very appealing), and thinking that "the void" is something I should be filling, not with "God" and some kind of "pie in the sky when I die" foolishness, but with my own effort to find meaning and purpose in the here-and-now.

I don't think I'll ever "solve the mystery". And I'm starting to think maybe that's okay.


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