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12:23 pm - Sun 4/20/03 Some time back, I was driving to an audition, and I saw a one-legged homeless guy, a crutch under one harm, pulling two shopping carts down the street. I remember thinking, "Okay--He might have it worse than I do...". ______________________________ I think I made a decision just now... Out in the lobbby of my building, on a table the new managers put out a month or two ago, is a box of assorted snack foods--a couple canisters of Pringles, blueberry muffins, powdered sugar donuts, etc and so on--for anyone to take. This is the third time there's been free junk food on this table (The last time, I nabbed about a half-dozen things of peanut-butter-and-crackers). I don't know where it comes from, but it feels like someone read a file on me and discovered my two greatest weaknesses--Junk food, and free junk food. (I felt a little paranoid the first time I took something--In this day and age, should you eat something if you don't know where it comes from?--but when I ate some and didn't die, I felt reassured.) Anyway, I looked over the food (I was on my way down to the laundry room), turned away, went back and looked it over again...then passed it by. While I was waiting for the elevator, another tenant approached the box, and I was tempted to rush back before he took everything (I could tell this was the kind of guy who would do that). But again, I stopped myself. Last I looked, there were still a couple things of powdered sugar donuts left. But we're not going to take them, because you know what? WE DON'T NEED THEM. After the laundry, I felt the urge to have a Coke, so I walked to the gas station down the street, and got my Diet Coke ("with lemon"), but I didn't get the bag of Doritos or the Hostess cherry pie that usually accompanies that purchase (I didn't even buy the bag of Cracker Jacks I sometimes buy, telling myself, "Well, these aren't too bad...". So I guess I'm on a "no junk-food" diet. My big "issue" right now is feeling that my life is not "firing on all cyclinders"--Not firing on any cylinders, truth be told--and I'm having a hard time knowing where to start the "reclamation project", and a harder time still not giving in to lethargy and depression and frustration. I just feel overwhelmed by it all. When your job isn't really doing it for you, your real "career" isn't happening, you've got no money, no social life, etc and so on, it's easy to feel like everything is spinning out-of-control. So I don't know...maybe the trick is to just start somewhere. To find something I can take charge of and...well, take charge of it. And two areas where I can do that are 1)My weight, and 2)The sleep thing. The weight thing really just boils down to "don't eat so much", and particularly, "don't eat so much crap". Give up a little short term pleasure for more substantial, long-term happiness. I've just given up on the sleep thing, and I can't do that. It's killing me (Figuratively in the short term, and I imagine, in the long term, literally as well). Basically, I've got to get to a doctor, tell him I get congested at night and can't breathe well enough to use my CPAP mask, and make him help me. I need an answer here, because I can not go on living in a depressed fog like I am (And I imagine not sleeping is a pretty big part of what that "depressed fog" is all about). I was wondering the other day if my relative lack of action on the sleep issue has to do with feeling like I somehow deserve to feel bad. Or else, I don't "deserve to feel bad", but I'm looking for someone to take care of me, to solve the problem for me. I'm just wondering. Because it's kind of hard to understand why else I'd just let this situation go on and on with no resolution. To just, in effect, go "Well, I guess I'm just going to live the rest of my life being tired and depressed. That's just the way it's gonna be...". Well, I've given that a try, and you know what? It's not really working for me. And speaking of "working"...it's off to the salt mines. See ya...
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