3:44 am - Wed 8/27/03
I wanted that Macy's gig. Mostly so when I got back to Michigan, and people asked me what's been going on out here, I'd be able to say "Oh, I just finished shooting a Macy's commercial...". It has a better ring to it than "Oh...ummmm...working at Borders...and...no, still no girlfriend (I'm keeping myself 'pure' for my art, ha, ha, ha)...not acting in anything...no, I haven't been taking any classes...but I DID shoot a commercial for HBO a couple months back...".
The HBO thing was just back in June, but it's starting to feel like something that happened a very long time ago now.
Watching commercials a lot these days. Or I should say, watching the same amount of commercials, but more intently.
And they're mostly not good. Mostly forgettable. Mostly not something I'm all that interested in doing. Except that they pay MONEY, and it's sort of like ACTING, and there's always the possibility that they'll lead to something better.
The Macy's thing felt like exactly the kind of thing I always figure I'm NOT going to get (If you just want a warm body, why is it going to be MY warm body?). The only reason I thought I was going to get this gig was that the production company called me in. And I don't know why I didn't ultimately make the cut. Maybe they decided to go "younger" than me. Or "cuter". Or "more bland and boring". I don't know.
Rejections always feel like a really big deal, and hit me VERY hard, probably because I tie them in with the BIG rejection of my life.
Then it's a Herculean effort for me to gain any kind of perspective on the matter, to tell myself, "This is not the end of the world. This doesn't change anything. You aren't any worse off than you were before...".
But you know what? I sure as shit am not "better off" EITHER....! And I'm kind of TIRED of that "I'm no better off than I was before" feeling. I want to feel "better off" for a change!
Here's something I've thought while at some auditions that provides an interesting "spin" on the issue of my looks (i.e. my being "ugly")--I have looked around a room, and actually found myself thinking "I'm not funny-looking ENOUGH...".
I know I'm not good-looking, but I don't think I'm inherently funny-looking either. And that's seeming like a little bit of a problem in this world where appearance is everything. When I look at my face, numerous glaring flaws aside, I don't see that face communicating any one particular THING. Maybe other people see me as a "type", but I don't.
You're probably not following me because I'm not saying it very well. But in a nutshell, I'm starting to feel like a "hybrid", not good looking enough to get to play...well, NORMAL people, and not funny looking enough to get the good comic "character" things.
But enough of this...I've been batting this fucking bullshit around all day. Trying to tell myself why I didn't really want the gig, why it's really a GOOD thing I didn't get it, and not believing it for a second (The big "good thing"--Now the trip back to Michigan will be less rushed and frantic).
There'll be other stuff. And I can't go to pieces every time I get close on one of these things, but it doesn't happen.
I was thinking earlier today that this sort of reminds me of when I decided to ask every girl out I was attracted to. I told myself I HAD to do it(And I pretty much HAVE; Out here, the only girl I found myself attracted to that I DIDN'T ask out was the girl from the agency meeting back in May. I should have asked her out that day, but I was too chickenshit. Then I wanted to go to the agency, get her full name from her headshot on the wall then try to look her up, but there's been no excuse to go to the agency, because commercial submissions have gone online, and as a result, JS hasn't needed new headshots from me since. And now of course, so much time has gone by that the momentum, if there ever was any, is long gone. Just as well--she was another one too young and pretty to ever go out with me).
Anyway, I pretty much ask out every woman I find myself attracted to, started doing it years ago, and made the unhappy discovery that it made absolutely no difference in my life.
And I discovered, to my consternation, that most women will say "yes" to you (Since I've been out here, the only person who turned me down outright was Astrid) while having no desire to go out with you at all.
What's my point? I don't know--I'm getting pretty tired.
I thought asking a woman out was the big risk. Then you either got rejected (The most likely outcome), but at least you had the courage to put yourself out there (And now at least you knew the score), or else you went out with the person, hopefully leading to love and sex and stuff like that. But I've discovered, asking women out, that I don't get the finality of a rejection too often, and I NEVER get the happy feeling of seeing a woman's face light up because she's been HOPING I'd ask her out. What happens with me is that a woman feels "on the spot" and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, so she says "Ummm...sure Jim...we can 'hang out' sometime", pretending like she don't understand what I'm asking her, and then is never actually available to go out (Guys, if a woman says yes to your request for a date, then has more than one conflict when you try to set something up, she doesn't really want to GO).
Being "on hold" for commercials feels sort of the same way. You THINK you've made it because you got past the callback, then you discover the pain and the unhappiness of rejection is still lying in wait for you.
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