9:01 pm - Mon 10.14.2013
Just watched my bit on 2 Broke Girls...
I'd debated even watching the show (It's not really like I did anything, after all), but it was actually fun to watch, more for being a "snap-shot" of the enjoyable experience I had on the set than for actually seeing myself on tv.
(Speaking of which, I've gotta wonder - Am I ever going to get over being shocked at just how ugly I am when I see myself on tv? Well, based on my response tonight, the umpteenth time I've appeared on the small screen now, the answer seems to be "maybe not").
In terms of my "acting", there wasn't much to critique, but one thing surprised me - I thought, at the time, I was playing my role "slightly annoyed/snappish", but it basically came out - at least the first line did - in my default "Depressed Guy" persona.
(What if there is no "Depressed Guy persona"?. What if I'm just "Depressed Guy" now...?)
Had my callback for Oscar Mayer earlier today, for a possible series of national commercials.
As you may or may not remember, I didn't feel particularly good about the initial audition, but thought I might be "interestingly ugly" enough to make it to the callback nevertheless (Since they were looking for two "Deli Guys").
And that's exactly what happened; I went in assuming the callback was going to be like the audition, where I went in with another actor, and we took turns as Deli Guy #1 (Who had the lines) and Deli Guy #2 (Who didn't have lines).
So today when my time came, I was brought in with another actor, just like last time, who read the role of "Deli Guy" (while, instead of "Deli Guy #2", I had a walk-on as "The Manager").
They had us do two takes, and then just when I was preparing to get my turn as "Deli Guy", they thanked the two of us, and that was it.
I was crushed.
I knew I hadn't done very well at the audition - I felt it - but somehow I still held out hope that they'd seen something interesting enough that I'd get to "redeem myself" with a good reading today.
And here's what I think is kind of interesting - As far as I know, the verdict's still out on whether I'm gonna book the gig. I could get a call tomorrow morning telling me I'm "Deli Guy #2/Store Manager", and end up making thousands.
But I'm still miserable about how things went down, because I fucked up that initial audition, and as a result, I'm not going to get a chance to act (That initial audition was "my chance to act").
So hopefully I'll book this thing, and it'll take the financial pressure off for awhile.
But in terms of acting, booking this would continue what's proving to be a year where I'm not really doing anything, even when I do book work.
And that's really frustrating.
Well, it's official: My brother Tony is an idiot.
A Rand Paul-loving, Ted Cruz-following, "I support the Tea Party 100%"-statement making idiot.
I've wanted to not believe it. I've wanted to make excuses for him.
But no - He's just an idiot.
So I had to "cut him loose" on Facebook. I've just had enough.
This recent exchange proved too much for me (I commented after he posted a thing from conservative talk show hater Michael Savage about "Obamacare"):
Me: Michael Savage? Really? You want to attach your name to that hateful guy? Really? You're smarter than you're acting. I KNOW it. I MET you.
And the following is what I assume will be our last "conversation" (via Facebook):
You choose to defriend me ..I accept that dickface.....from this moment on I'm very grateful to be an only child again....You are just sad.
And my response (Which he didn't read, because after I "unfriended" him, he "friend-requested" me just long enough to call me "dickface" (Yes, he turns out to be as much of an intellectual giant as that remark makes him sound):
As always, your "Christ-like" love truly touches me. I'm sure Jesus approves your angry, gun-loving, poor-people hating, "I've got mine - Get yours" attitude, since he's apparently a Right-Wing Republican Teabilly Wackjob just like you. He probably approves of your phony-baloney patriotic bullshit as well - saying you love America while cheer-leading for its destruction. All I know is, I can live without your mammoth stupidity. What a huge disappointment - Spending a lifetime alone, looking for a "brother"...and finding you.
So yeah, turns out, we're not gonna be close.
Posting and reading "political stuff" on Facebook is making me realize that, not only do I not have the constitution to be a "political activist", I can't even emotionally handle being a "slacktivist" (Describing someone whose political "activism" consists pretty much of posts on Facebook or the like).
Considering that the current government shutdown has had, far as I can tell, no personal effect on me thus far (Beyond delaying my ability to renew my passport, which I need to keep current for acting), I'm pretty stirred-up about it.
In thinking about what's bothering me so much, I've come to the conclusion that it goes beyond politics, or is deeper than politics, and just "pushes my buttons" over right-and-wrong.
I don't even mean the "right-and-wrong" of health-care reform, or taxes, or programs for the needy, or any of that; I mean the basic, childhood right-and-wrong of "following the rules"
The rule says, "We had a vote, and this side won, so they get to run things till the next time we vote"...but then the people who lost have decided, "Even though we voted and our side lost, we don't want you to run things, and we want to run things instead...and if you don't let us, we're going to scream and break stuff till you do".
This stuff really is pushing a button in me, a little-kid's sense of injustice - "It's not fair! They're cheating!" - but there's no "adult" to appeal to, because - theoretically at least - we're the adults.
And, returning to adulthood for a moment, I'm afraid that, if the people who want to "scream and break stuff" succeed in "breaking stuff" - like the economy, for example - I'm going to go from "getting by" to "going under".
My inner "little kid" sees the people on the Right, and they're just mean, and - that sense of "fairness" rears up again - I don't want mean people to win, to get to keep being mean to people.
Cause that's not right.
Well, it doesn't feel right that I have to go to bed - especially since I'm gonna have a shitty night's sleep anyway - but here we are.
I really do want to feel better about things. As I said in my last entry, I know nobody's coming to rescue me in that regard, that I have to figure it out for myself, how to be happy, how to feel like this means anything, etc.
But I'd really like to figure it out soon...
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