10:05 PM - Fri 7.14.17
I'm not sure why.
On the whole, I'm in better spirits now than when I first learned of my coming $100-a-month rent increase (Which starts in September) - at that point, I was veering wildly between clinical depression and volcanic rage (To steal a line from a Bill Burr routine, I wanted to scream at the rich fucks who own my building - And dozens of others in LA - as I took a flamethrower to their office, "How big do your fucking yachts gotta be?!?").
It helped me to mention my unhappiness about it on Facebook.
It probably won't seem this way, but I'm actually always nervous about posting "sad stuff" on FB - I want to be honest and "real" (Or else why bother?), but fear one-too-many "poor me" posts will have people dismissing me as a perpetually-in-crisis "drama queen" (And the big reason I say that is that I have a couple FB friends who post a lot of "poor me" shit online, I see them as perpetually-in-crisis "drama queens" and it's kind of an emotionally exhausting bummer).
(For the record, I draw a distinction between general FB posts and what I do in here - a bunch of "I'm so sad" general posts on FB are like dropping your pants in public, while this is more like I've invited you into my home to watch me drop my pants - It's still dysfunctional and sad, but much more polite.)
But I was glad I posted about being upset over my rent increase, because a number of people read it and responded, and suddenly I didn't feel quite so alone (That's a big thing adding to the misery of a difficult situation - being single, I always feel like, whatever's going on, I'm basically on my own with it).
When I worked on my last episode of Shameless, a week ago Monday, at one point I was talking to Stephanie and Jennah (Two of the stand-ins), who I'm friends with on Facebook.
They were very sympathetic to my plight, and offered information (As an actor, I can actually get a $40 rebate next time I need a new pair of shoes!), advice (On applying for unemployment when the season ends, which I'm apparently within my right to do), and general encouragement (Telling me not to lose hope that my career could take a turn for the better at any time, which rekindled a dream that's all but died in recent years).
Two other friends sent me info about jobs - One as a driver for an Uber-like concern for people with service animals, and another to be a "patient" for doctor-training at UCLA (The first job didn't appeal, because I worried about wear and tear on the car and I really don't enjoy LA traffic. But I followed up on the latter, because, pardon the pun, it's "just what the doctor ordered", and I'm going to an audition/interview on Thursday).
That's a really big deal, and here's why - I basically lose my shit every time the rent goes up (But particularly last year and this year, when it went from a typical increase of around $25-30 a month, to $75-a-month last year, and now $100-a-month starting in September.
And when this annual screwing happens, I perform the same sad ritual - I get very angry, then very depressed, then briefly think "I need to get another job!", then quickly dismiss that idea for multiple, perfectly valid reasons (But mostly because I really & truly don't want to), then consider moving, then realize there's not a lot out there for a poor actor with an uncertain income who desperately doesn't want roommates, and move on to "So what do I have to cut out of my life now?"...which is why I don't have a land line or cable TV anymore.
(And the first thing that occurred to me to cut this year was therapy, since 1) It would pretty much exactly make up for the rent increase, and 2) I'm not sure we're getting anywhere anyway.)
So it's pretty novel that, this year, I've put thoughts of what needs to be "cut out of my life" on hold (I'm still hoping to have a breakthrough in therapy), and am thinking I might just book enough acting work to make up the difference.
And - thanks to my friend Miriam - I am pursuing a "part time job" that relates to my profession, and that I can feel good about doing, as opposed to some dead-end day job that would just make me feel more tired, depressed, and defeated.
All because I posted on FB, "My rent's going up and it's making me sad...".
Sat (7:30 pm)
"So what else is going on?", you ask?
Shooting my last Shameless was fun - I've enjoyed what I've gotten to do in the two episodes I've shot so far - and I'm on for #5, which I'll be shooting sometime between the 20-28th.
I'm happy my buddy Mike M. will be in the episode as well - We haven't worked together since the first episode, over a month ago, and it's just not as much fun on-set when he's not there (Without him, I kind of feel like a "man without a country" - I'm not a crew member, and the regulars don't see me as one of them, so it can feel pretty lonely).
Hoping, as always, that they'll use me in a lot of episodes. And while I don't expect a "Kermit"-centered story-line or anything of that nature (That's just not gonna happen), I'd like to get at least a couple memorable bits to do (The only thing that stands out in my mind last year was the scene where Kevin and Vee are talking about vaccinations, and Kermit emerges as the actual voice-of-reason - It wasn't especially funny, but I enjoyed the novelty of it).
And, as always, hoping this will be the year that something (Or maybe a couple "somethings") will happen that give me hope for "Life Beyond Shameless".
I'm very encouraged that I've booked theatrically this year, a couple times. It's deeply discouraging when you're not getting a lot of auditions, and can't seem to "make anything happen" with the ones you have, so it's meaningful to me just to have "won" some.
Because it suggests I can win some more.
But a couple low-paying gigs that likely aren't going to get much attention are not "what the doctor ordered" - I want quality TV work, I want to find my way into movies, I want to work with name people.
In short, I want an actual, honest-to-God career.
Had a relatively rare movie audition on Thursday, that I'm not supposed to say anything about...but it was for a major movie, it was really fun, and I want to get it more than I've wanted to get anything so far this year.
We're a couple weeks from things really "picking up" again, and when they do, there's no guarantee they'll "pick up" for me right away.
But I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time - because of the couple wins I've had this year, because Shameless has a higher profile than it used to (because of Netflix), and because of my new agent.
And because he thinks my current "Look" is more marketable (And speaking of "my current look", I'm hoping my new teeth will help, if only to "nudge" things my way a little more).
Had new head-shots done on Sunday, at the regular place I go to on Melrose.
I needed them, since the only pictures I had with the new teeth were the gray-haired, bearded ones that were obsolete within a month or two after I got them.
I hope they'll help. I think they will - I certainly feel better about my appearance now, and I think that added confidence might have an effect all by itself.
Well, I'm having some technical issues here, which are making me fearful of losing this entry altogether. So before that happens, I'm going to say so long (The only thing I didn't address that I wanted to was something that might actually merit an entry of its own, so...stay tuned).
0 comments so far