9:48 pm - Fri 2.24.2012
Do You Need A Prescription For Rose-Colored Glasses?

In spite of telling myself I was "happy" - or did I say "almost happy"? - to be going to the gastroenterologist today, post-visit I was actually neither.

When I described my symptoms, the Doctor said it "could be anything"...but was probably colitis.

Sat 2/25/12 (9:56 pm)

...and while I haven't exactly researched the subject exhaustively in the intervening 24 hours, I did a Google/Bing search, and "colitis" just means you have an inflamed bowel...which as the Doctor said, "could be anything".

So I have a name for what's going on, but I don't know why it's going on, how serious it is, or what there is to do about it.

So a colonoscopy - my first - is clearly in my near future (I'm 50, so as the Doc said, "It's time, anyway").

I don't find myself thrilled at the prospect, on any number of levels - from the expense (Even with insurance, I'm sure there's more "out-of-pocket" involved than I'll be happy with), to the physical discomfort/inconvenience (Nobody I've talked to has described the prep as "fun"), to having to bother someone else with my problems (I'll need a ride home after the procedure), to the unhappy indignities of aging (Really? Now I have to have someone look up my ass on a yearly basis?), to the fear of hearing that the news is worse than I want to imagine (Like thinking I've merely been physically uncomfortable, but am actually dying) - but what am I going to do?

Say "No thanks - This doesn't sound like much fun, so I'm going to skip it"?

Wish I could...but it would probably be unwise.

So anyway, that's a thing that's happening (His scheduling person will be calling me on Monday).

I spend loads of time pondering on/worrying about acting being the centerpiece of my existence.

Cause that is one shaky "centerpiece".

I quickly get very anxious when I'm not getting auditions, or when I'm getting auditions and not booking anything.

But I get an extra-special degree of "anxious" when I start getting bored or depressed by the auditions I'm getting, when my first thought upon getting an audition is to be annoyed at the quality of the audition or the inconvenience of the time/location.

Which just happened to me yesterday.

You'd think getting an audition yesterday would have been something of an "antidote" to the whole somewhat depressing, gastroenterologist-colitis-colonoscopy thing (Especially since I didn't have any auditions this past week).

But I was disappointed, because instead of a big national commercial audition, it was for the New York State Lottery - So if I book it, no one I know is going to see it, and it won't be a big money-maker.

And I was annoyed, because it's on Monday, at Kathy Knowles in Santa Monica, at 5:15 pm.

(Kathy Knowles brings me in all the time, and that's a good thing, it really is - I just wish they weren't in Santa Monica, and didn't seem to schedule every audition they bring me in for at rush-hour.)

Clearly, this is not the right attitude for me to have, either for my own mental health, or for my best odds of being successful...but that's not the issue here.

It makes me feel kind of "panicky" when I start feeling bad about auditions, because I think, "When the shit I actually like to do is making me unhappy, I'm really screwed...".

I've managed to mostly "turn myself around" about this particular audition - No, it's not likely to be a huge money-maker (Though I don't know - maybe it runs for years in New York, and I get a nice steady income from it), and yeah, it kind of sucks when an audition in Santa Monica puts you on the freeway during rush hour.

But as I said before, it's nice that they like me, and keep bringing me in for things - that's the life blood of a working actor (To have casting people on your side).

And the premise of the commercial sounds really fun - I'm going in to play one of the people holed up in a mall defending themselves against zombies - and one thing I long for as an actor is more opportunities to have fun.

And yes, I wish the audition were happening mid-morning or mid-afternoon, and not when it is....but it is on my day off, so no having to get someone to fill for me at WW, no losing the money I'd have made working, and no worry that "now I have to make up that meeting" (To maintain my "full-time status").

It's an old saw, to be sure, but it really is "All in how you look at things".

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go look for my rose-colored glasses...

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