|
|
7:22 am - Sun 4/21/02 It made me feel pretty silly about the anger and self-loathing in my last entry. As I've been saying to some of my e-mail correspondents, this little show isn't exactly "Hamlet", but it's also not a "crime against humanity", and it's certainly nothing to beat myself up over. Basically, I just let my frustrations about the show (As well as other issues in my life) boil over. And on a pretty consistent basis, frustration with "my life" leads me to being frustrated with MYSELF, and with my "failures". And the thing that bothers me about it most is that it's just so DESTRUCTIVE; When I give over to those feelings, it doesn't serve my own best interests, to say the very least. It masquerades as "wanting to do my best, wanting to BE my best", but it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with "self-improvement". It's just old, irrational thinking--"You were abandoned because you were bad"--and it's keeping me trapped in a very unhappy place. A place I don't want to BE. And that's enough about that. Moving on... I don't know exactly how many people were in the house Friday--It's a VERY small theater (35 seats)--but we had enough people that it seemed close to full, and whatever the flaws of the show, they were very nice, very responsive. And as for my OWN work--and the show, as Cary observed afterwards, is basically my extended monologue (With interjections by the other characters)--I felt, much to my relief, that I'd regained the step or two that had been lost during the last week or so of rehearsal. I was back to feeling like I was doing the best I could with the materials at hand. And even though I all but told them NOT to come, I was glad Cary & Kay and Chris were in the audience (Chris even brought a date, a woman he's been dating that he planned to break up with after the show. But more on that later). I think if I had done the show Friday, and there had been no one there specifically to see ME, I would have felt a big letdown afterwards. And you know what? Whatever my issues with the show--with the inherent problems with the script, with the rehearsal process, whatever--I enjoyed being OUT there. And when I came out at the end and heard the SWELL of applause, I was happy. It's BEEN awhile since I've been onstage, and been the center of attention. Cary & Kay took me out afterwards, which was great fun. And it was interesting to get Cary's opinion on the piece as a writer; He's got the knowledge and experience to analyze what Mark was TRYING to do at certain points in the script, and why it didn't WORK (Oh, I don't think I've mentioned that in here; I discovered, fairly late in the rehearsal process, that Mark--the director--had written the show himself under a "nom de plume". A good lesson about keeping your mouth SHUT, at the very least until you know the whole situation you're in). So the show isn't great, but I'm doing okay (When I'm in a less-than-perfect show, one of my strong desires is to do at least well enough that no one blames ME for it). All that said, this experience has made me think, again, about how often I feel INHIBITED by the circumstances I'm in as a performer. How rarely I feel like the piece, the production, the other actors, etc, all come together, and make me feel like I'm being "supported" in my OWN desire to excel. More often than not, I feel like I have to get PAST the "obstacles" placed in my way by a given production. It's frustrating. I'd love to have the chance to really go "full out" on a project. A thing worth doing, with a decent part, with a production budget, with other actors who are just as game as I am, and have the only "obstacles" to overcome be the ones in my own psyche (I've said this before, and I said it again to Cary & Kay last night; I really believe that if you were to put me opposite some great actors and give me something to PLAY, I'd be able to keep up with anyone. I just want that CHANCE). _________________________________________________ Got some interesting insight into Chris when we had lunch Friday... If you don't know Chris, he's a guy I met when we both did "Lies and Legends" back in Lansing (I don't even remember exactly what YEAR that was. Maybe '95?). He's about ten years younger than I am, handsome--Good looking and built like a greek god--and one of the nicer guys you're going to run into (Though I think there are more "complications" behind that nice persona than Chris lets people in on). And his being out in LA--He moved out here about five years before I did--was part of what gave me the courage to do what I did. With all Chris has going for him, I've been curious about why he can't seem to hang onto a woman. At lunch, I asked him about his "love life", and he mentioned he was seeing someone, and she was "great" (He told me her name, which I've forgotten), but he was going to have to "break it off" with her. I asked him why he had to "break if off" if she was so "great", and I found what he had to say very interesting; He said he gets "obsessive" over women, and that when he's in a relationship he gets totally "focused" on THAT, and his motivation to pursue his career and that sort of thing goes out the window. So THEY don't "break up" with HIM; HE breaks up with THEM. Because he has a hard time being in a relationship and pursuing acting at the same time. One could question those priorities. One could even question whether there's more TO it than that. But I certainly find it interesting, and "food for thought" in my OWN life. _________________________________________________ For some reason, the other day I started thinking about movies that have made me cry over the years. So, for no particular reason, here they are, or at least here's a PARTIAL list: 1. "Misty of Chincoteague" 2. "The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman" 3. "Dumbo" 4. "ET" 5. "Children of a Lesser God" 6. "Schindlers List" 7. "Thelma & Louise" 8. "Lonesome Dove" 9. "Kramer Vs. Kramer" 10. "Ponette" 11. "Field of Dreams" 12. "Starman" 13. "Toy Story II" 14. "Ice Age" _________________________________________________ Well, I could ramble on, but that's WHAT I'd be doing, so I'm going to cease and desist at this time...
0 comments so far 
|