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9:34 am - FRI 3/8/02 I haven't really done much of anything so far today. Surfed the web. Watched a little tv. Went to McDonalds (Starting to feel guilty about how often I'm giving in to junk food tempations these days. It's not a good thing, physically or financially). Read a little of "How To Sell Yourself As An Actor". Read a little bit of "The Sun". I feel depressed and lethargic. I know there are things I could be doing, should be doing, but I don't want to DO them. Work was a long slog yesterday. For reasons I do not understand, they had me on "recovery" all day long (Recovery is re-shelving books). Speaking of work, there was a memo the other day about a big change at the registers; Apparently, someone is dipping into the till, cause big amounts of money have been turning up missing. Even-numbered amounts too, which I joked was a real "amateur-hour" mistake (If you're going to steal from the register, you have to make it an odd amount that can be dismissed as an ERROR. But anyway...). Now we have to have the floor manager assign us a drawer, and turn it over to them when our register shift is done, so it can be counted. So that means, on the one hand, that I'm probably not going to be at the register quite as often, but when I am, I'll be there for three or four hours at a pop (They do that to me sometimes already, but more often, they'll break it up with time at I-One or Recovery). I don't know how long this will go on--Yesterday, the new "system" seriously gummed up the works (They're also limiting the number of registers that are open)--but for now, there we are. I'm not above petty theft--You should watch your pens around me, for example--but stealing from the till has never seemed like a viable option to me. Morality aside, it just never seemed worth the risk. Risk losing my job, criminal prosecution, and social embarrassment, over an amount of money that wouldn't ultimately mean much to me anyway? I don't THINK so... I used to think about that a lot; There are stupid people out there who don't think about the possible consequences of their criminal actions, and there are smart people out there who can actually get away with things, and then there's ME. I've always felt like I was smart enough to think about the consequences in advance, but NOT smart enough to get AWAY with anything. (And does the possible harm to other people enter into my thoughts, when I'm contemplating the risk of criminal activiity? Of course, but mostly, my "morality" is self-interest, which is the way I imagine the majority of people operate.) And while we're on the subject of crime and punishment... I was thinking yesterday about how we're supposed to obey the traffic laws, pay our bills on time, etc and so forth, but that the society RUNS, in large part, on people screwing up. If peoople never did anything wrong, how many fewer jobs would be out there? How much less money would be floating around in the economy (In terms of fines, late payment fees, etc)? How would cities run without the revenue from tickets and the like? (I don't know if there's any grand POINT there, but I was just thinking about it. If everyone BEHAVED all the time, the economy would fall APART.) _________________________________________________ Got out of work a half-hour early last night, hauled ass to rehearsal, just getting there a moment or two before 7:00...and the theater was already booked for the night, with a rehearsal for "Fences" (There had been some kind of scheduling snafu). So I went home, feeling kind of ambivalent; I was happy to have the night off, but with a two-day-a-week rehearsal schedule, it seems like we can ill-AFFORD the time off. I'm not working the way I should with this show. It's hard to feel a sense of "building momentum" with the schedule. And at the last rehearsal, I seemed to have more of a sense of my lines than anyone else, so I'm not afraid of "falling behind the others". But none of that is any good, and it speaks to a problem of mine, which is that I'm always looking for some EXTERNAL motivation to do what I need to do. But if I NEED an "external motivation", I guess I can make it that I don't want to be embarrassed out there on opening night. If there's a casting director or agent in the audience, I want them thinking, "Well, the show's hit-and-miss, but I really like the lead...". I want to walk away from this experience knowing that I did the best I could. Well, that little speech just made me feel tremendously guilty about doing THIS, but two quick things before I go. 1. I waited on Gates McFadden yesterday (She was "Dr. Crusher" on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"). She was very nice, and I ended up both helping her find something (Me and Brian W.), and then ringing her up. She was with an old woman who I assumed was her mother. 2. In the afternoon, a customer in the store said, out of the blue, "You know who you kind of look like? Vincent Schiavelli" (Vincent Schiavelli is a character actor, probably best known for playing the ghost who teaches Patrick Swayze how to be a ghost in "Ghost". He was also one of the inmates in "Cuckoo's Nest"). It was the kind of comment I don't understand why people BOTHER with; If I DIDN'T know who Vincent Schiavelli was, the comment would be meaningless, and if I DID...well, let's say that it didn't feel particularly COMPLIMENTARY (Someone has made that comparison at least one other time I can think of. The only "up" side to it is that I thought, "Well, I think he's uglier than I am, and HE'S had a career..."). Well, I gots to go and read over my little skit. See ya later...
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