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1:47 am - Fri 9/26/03
My Entry In The \"Most Shallow Man On Earth\" Sweepstakes

My Entry In The "Most Shallow Man On Earth" Sweepstakes
Thurs 9/25/03 (10:30 p.m.)

(Watching E.R....)

Watched part of Extreme Makeover earlier this evening, the first time I've seen the show. Reminded me of Queer Eye, only less fun and more...well, more extreme (What with the cutting and all).

I've kidded that when the time comes for my "extreme makeover", I'm going to just get a complete head transplant, since that would be more efficient than getting the half-dozen or so different procedures it would take to fix my myriad problems.

What would I do if I could...?

1) Hair Transplant

2) Cheekbone implants (Unless there's some way to move my real cheekbones–they're next to my ears–to the front of my face, under my eyes where they would do me some good).

3) Bleach the dark circles under my eyes (Or whatever they do for that sort of thing).

4) Fix my teeth

5) realign my jaw

See? Basically, I just need a new head. I'd want to keep my brain, because oddly enough, I'm basically okay with my brain, mental/emotional problems aside (And again, oddly enough, I would want to continue to be "me"); It's the outer "packaging" that needs the most work!

In terms of my body, heavy-duty electrolysis would be in order. But it sort of poses a problem; If you've got a luxurious pelt from top to bottom, where do you start, and where do you stop? How would you do it so it didn't just look weird, like your body was going bald?

(Honestly? if I had to choose between my current, werewolf-ian look, and no body hair at all, I think I'd be okay with looking like a plucked chicken.)

I wouldn't do liposuction, because in my case, being overweight isn't a genetic defect, but a question of diet and exercise, and I don't agree with cosmetic surgury as an end-run around personal discipline, or for that matter, as a refusal to age gracefully (I can't see myself getting botox injections, or anything that screams to the world, "I'm terrified of getting old". Even though I totally am terrified of getting old).

I actually checked out the "Extreme Makeover" online application (At The application is quite involved, as you might imagine, but not that daunting...except for the provision that says you can't have a "record".


I'm not going to re-hash it all at this point, but I had some "legal difficulties" back in 1991. That didn't preclude my involvement in the "Reading by 9" program earlier this year–their background check only went back seven years–but I'm not nuts about the worst time of my adult life potentially being trotted out on the national stage for public censure.

So no "extreme makeover" for me, which is too bad, because the way I'm going, the only "makeover" I'm ever going to get is the one before my funeral.

I know what you're thinking–"How very sad. All that self-loathing..."–so just to show you that I don't hate everything about my appearance, here's some stuff I actually like about my face and body:

1) I have nice eyes.

2) The dimples seem to work.

3) I'm tall.

4) I have broad shoulders.

5) I have nice legs (Though I wish they were about a foot longer)

I liked my hair, before it started jumping ship. And speaking of hair, the only good side to being grotesquely hairy is that I grow a great beard (Unfortunately, a beard, especially a gray beard, is not something that gets you the girls or the acting roles. Trust me on this–they've done studies).

I don't think I go on about my looks too much in here, mostly because I've lived with my looks for a long time now, and the only real "news" in that department is that things are basically getting worse and worse; The hair that's disappearing from my head is reappearing in my nose and ears and everywhere I'd rather it wouldn't, and rapidly going gray besides (And what the hell kind of "evolutionary advantage" is there to your eyebrows just going nuts at middle age? I used to look at old men with bushy eyebrows and think to myself "Jeez, why don't they take care of that?", but now that it's happening to me, I'm starting to understand–You get to a point where you really just want to say "Oh the hell with it!"). And there's basically nothing I can do about it except look in the mirror in the morning, curse, then go about my day (Of course, I could exercise and take care of myself, but even if I were to do that, I'd still be a bald guy with bad teeth and a misshapen jawline. Hair and good bone structure are what it's all about).

But here in L.A., I've felt a resurgence of resentment about issues of appearance. But what can you say? It's just an unfair world, and particularly if you're poor, you just have to do the best you can with what you've got.

And right now, I'm an ugly guy with no money.

Come and get me, girls...!


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