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3:06 PM - 06.23.16 Thurs 6/23/16 (11:30 pm) (Just did it again, for the umpteenth fucking time – Was on the D-land page, where I’d been working on an entry for the past couple days, inadvertently hit I don’t-fucking-know-what, the page disappeared, and I couldn’t get it back...so now, after spending the past five or ten minutes beating the hell out of myself –therapy hasn’t done shit to help me with that, by the way - I’m writing this in Word, hoping this annoying extra step will prevent future heartache.) Anyway… Got the official word from Shameless (Three “official words”, actually) – 1. I’m officially on for episode one, shooting on the 30th. I’d already heard I'm shooting on the 30th, so that was neither-here-nor-there. And though I’m not happy about it - seriously not happy about it - I was starting to accept that shaving and dyeing my hair was something that was gonna happen (I’m just not in a position to say to Production, “Kermit looks like this now. Deal with it”). But the money thing was a blow. The CD requested another $250-an-episode for all the recurrings, but Production basically said, “What are we, made of money?” (To which I’d say, “In terms of financially being able to give us a $250-an-episode raise? You sure as shit are!”). I’d set myself up for a big letdown here – I’d sent my agent an ostensibly comic email, about how there’d been two reasons I wanted a raise this year (1. They used me in a lot of episodes, so clearly I’m useful to the show, and 2. They made me get naked last season and I didn’t like it, so they can pay a little more if they’re gonna want to embarrass me again this year), and now there was a third (I have to go through the rest of the year looking like a bozo). So, I built up a big head-of-steam over something I really have no control over (The only “power” I have in this situation is to say, “Fuck you bitches – I’m outta here…!” . And I’m clearly not gonna do that). Got the script for the first episode last night, and promptly felt like an idiot about clamoring for more money – I’m in two scenes, but do nothing that couldn’t be handled by a random day-player (When talking about my role on the show, I often say, “I have a small part, but they almost always give me a funny line or something fun to do”. Well, not this time). So between having to do something I don’t want to do, not getting something I wanted, and getting a script which reminded me how insignificant I am to the show, which I was already feeling because of the money thing, I’m feeling pretty depressed about my career in general, and about Shameless in particular). My career feels like it’s going nowhere in a hurry. I’m not acting as much as I want, and I sure-as-shit am not making as much money as I want (Which would be “Enough money that I could have a decent life while just being an actor”). Which makes me unhappy in the present – it would be nice if I were spending my time doing something I love that I feel like I’m good at, instead of “not doing that” – and extremely nervous about the future (If I’ve really “maxed-out” in terms of my acting career, I’m not just super-disappointed, I’m in real fucking trouble). Between this, and the general stew of toxic thoughts percolating in my giant head these days, I crashed pretty hard after Zumba last night. I thought about calling my therapist, but I’ve only done that once before (After shooting “That scene” on the show), and feel like I need to save that for serious “I want to kill myself” thoughts, when I was really more in a “I’m not gonna kill myself, I don’t think, but it would be okay if I died” frame-of-mind. So I thought about calling X, but he seems to always let his phone go to voicemail in the evenings (Or maybe he just always let’s me go to voicemail in the evenings). So I thought about calling Y, but he’s out-of-state, and I didn’t know what time zone he’s in (Also, I don’t want to just call him when I’m depressed, because I think it would suck if someone only ever called me when they were depressed. And these days, it feels kind of rude and “needy” to call someone to talk, period, let alone to just be weepy and sad). So I thought about calling Z, and she’s definitely in a different time frame, so again, it would be rude to call her that late unless I really were gonna kill myself, and just wanted to say "so long". So I just “sat in it”...as I do the vast majority of the time. Anyway… The only other thing going on is I’m emailing with a woman I connected with on Tinder. Telling a friend about it, I said “I don’t think we’re doing Tinder right…” – after the initial connection, she tells me she’s rarely on Tinder, and would prefer emails. Which was fine, I guess – I just finished saying on Facebook that I don’t like texting that much (I think it’s a lesser form of communication, maybe because it is, or maybe because I’m just old, I don’t know. I also just can’t type very fast with my thumbs) – but then she sent this epic email that made me think “I don’t think we’re doing email right either…”. We’re certainly not doing “beginning a potential relationship” right – I don’t want to hear every single fact about you in your first email, and I certainly don’t want to tell you every single fact about me (I think the only things I don’t know about Tashia at this point are her shoe size and blood type). I could go on about why this interaction feels “off” (In a nutshell, there’s a lot of “too much too soon” going on) – in comic-book terms, “My Spider-sense is tingling…!” – but she’s attractive, and she seems really into me (Though she really shouldn’t be at this point, not based on one picture and a brief bio), so where I’ve left things is to tell her “Let me know when you’re back in town” (She’s an antiques dealer, and travels around a lot), “…maybe give me your number, and we’ll get together, see what we think of each other in person”. Seems fair…I don’t think she’s a physical threat (At least not if we meet in public), and if she’s a con-artist, she’s a really bad one, because I already feel suspicious about her, and already told her I don’t have much money, so I think the worst that could happen is I waste my time…which I’m not doing much with anyway right now. (Semi-Warning: I’ve got to wrap-up the saga of me consorting with a paid escort. I don’t expect things to get too racy, but if you “just aren’t into it”, this would be a good time to shut off your computer and go make yourself a nice sandwich.) Some people who have read my entries about Ryan (My lovely professional escort friend) were concerned for her, because with her first name and a few keywords, they were able to find her website. I think they were worried that she might “get in trouble” legally. I didn’t think so (I think she has her bases covered in that regard), but wasn’t sure – Not only am I not a lawyer, I’ve never even played one on TV – so I texted her, asking if using her first name was a problem (“Should I just refer to you as ‘R’ or something?”). Her only issue – other than to ask me to “be positive” (Which I think I have been, but I’m gonna write whatever I’m gonna write, cause it’s my journal) – was that she asked me to include her website address. This is one of the examples of what happened with Ryan being the opposite of the way I typically think of sex – In a normal situation, going into great detail about the sex you just had with someone would be…”ungentlemanly”. But it’s not only okay with Ryan, it’s “good business” (She told me the first time that she’d really like me to do a write-up about her on that Adult website, because it helps her, and it’s hard for her to get people to do it, so I think a journal entry about her – assuming it’s positive, which I feel like what I’ve written has mostly been so far…and will totally be by the time I’m done – is just more “good publicity”). Another thing was the idea of not just being concerned about your own pleasure during sex, but that of your partner’s as well. With a woman you just went on a date with, or your regular partner, or whomever, that would seem to be a given, if you’re not just a selfish asshole…but in this case, you’ve made a transaction to have what you want, and to do what you want (If it’s within the escort’s “parameters”), so the idea that you’re also going to come in and really rock the escort’s world with your general sexiness and amazing technique (That you’re going to even really “connect” sexually) seems…delusional. I could go on, but you get the idea. I continue being glad I did it (Though we’ll see how “glad” I am when I spend the rest of the year paying off that credit card), and even though I don’t expect to do it again, with Ryan or anyone else, I by no means would rule it out. But the main thing I wanted to say, before I put this whole “escort saga” to bed (so to speak), is that Ryan really was great – I’m not saying that to “shill for her” or anything, but because it’s true. I kind of rushed the last entry I wrote, because it had gotten very late, and it felt like I’d been unfair to Ryan afterward. I’d felt kind of “wounded” about the whole “Why aren’t you coming?” business. I’m not sure what all was going on there for me, but I initially read it – as I think I wrote in that entry – as her “losing interest in the project”. But I don’t really think that was the case – I don’t know her “know her”, clearly, but we were together for four hours altogether, talking and laughing and doing sex-stuff, and my take-away really was that she liked me (I certainly liked her), and is a genuinely kind, nice person. She wasn’t trying to “rush me”, or communicate her boredom or irritation with me, nothing like that. On the contrary – the first time we were together, she’d expressed her disappointment with the fact that it hadn’t “happened” for me, in terms that basically suggested “The job is to please you, so if you don’t come, I feel like I didn’t do the job”. I think she, A) wanted me to be happy, and, B) wanted to feel like she’d “done a good job”. I relate to both those things – As an actor, I feel exactly the same way. I want my audience to be happy, to “feel something”, and I want to feel I’ve done good work, that "I'm good at what I do". Even though, in the days since I’ve been with her, I’ve thought about how there are things I want out of sex that it would be difficult or impossible for an escort to provide (I want to be wanted, I want to know I made my partner feel good, etc), I still find myself wishing I could afford to see Ryan on at least a semi-regular basis (But that would require not just an “improvement” in my finances, but an astronomical jump in my career that’s currently really hard to imagine). I could imagine being with her just being a nice, easy stress-reliever. Or getting to do things I can’t ask a “regular woman” for (You don’t want to screw up a relationship with someone you care about because you asked for something that makes them think “Ewww…!”). Or as the “World’s Sexiest Sex Surrogate” (Seriously, I’d like to keep working on the whole “giving head” thing, but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of it having to be “on the job training”. But that said, I’m thankful for Ryan for turning me “in the direction I should go” in that department). In any case, I’m glad I did what I did, and I’m particularly glad it was Ryan that I did it with. The second time I saw her, I told her that, in between visits, I’d thought about how she was “part of my history” now – as long as I live, or at least as long as I have my faculties, she’ll be “this great experience I had”. So Ryan, if you’re reading this?
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