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10:00 pm - 09.16.2013
I should...but I don't want to!

I SHOULD...But I Don't WANT To!

(Wanting to get this done in-and-around doing laundry; I'm working a bunch of extra WW meetings this week - more on that momentarily - so today's gonna be my last full "day off" till Sunday. And after the total waste of a day off I had yesterday - I didn't even get out of the house till after 11:00 pm - I feel the need to actually accomplish something today. Anyway...)

A short time ago, I posted as my Facebook status, "Something that sucks about being me? More often than not, "doing the right thing" feels terrible".

I was really talking about a specific kind of "doing the right thing" - Basically, "doing the right thing" for me - because I don't want to create the impression that it feels "terrible" to help little old ladies cross the street or that sort of thing (I've never actually helped a little old lady cross the street, mind you, but if I did, I imagine I'd feel okay about it).

Two things happened in quick succession this morning - 1. I got a request to do an open-hours "fill" at WW tomorrow (After my two regular meetings, and in a week where I'm already doing three other "fills"), and 2. I got a notice from my manager about an audition for a SAG "Ultra Low Budget" film on Thursday.

I've said it before (regarding taking "fills" at WW)- I always think I should...but I never want to.


What can I say? I'm always tired (like right now, for example), and the prospect of doing more work, and being more tired, is never an appetizing proposition.

And while I know it's crazy to think this way, I always worry that I'm creating my own "audition obstacle course", that as soon as I take a "fill", I'll get called about an audition at the same time, creating a big pain-in-the-ass for myself where previously none existed (I never hate WW more than when I have to make a dozen calls to try and get someone to fill for me when I have an audition or a gig).

But of course, as much as I might want to "clear the decks" for any potential auditions, I know that's crazy, particularly when I'm chronically stressed about money - "One thing I mustn't do while waiting for auditions, where I might book a job and make some money, is actually make some money..."

And while, again, I shouldn't think this way, I struggle not to see extra work at WW as too "drop-in-the-bucket"-ish to make much difference, money-wise (I think that's due, in part, to how much money I make when I book an acting thing, like 2 Broke Girls - Hard to get excited about making 20 bucks for a WW meeting, when I just made two months WW salary on one acting job (Actually, after the taxes and commissions it's more like one month's WW salary, but still...).

I have to ask myself, when I'm feeling depressed because I'm working a "fill" at WW for chickenfeed, "...and just how much money would you be making at home today, Hoffmaster?".


(5:33 pm)

Rode my bike to the credit union to deposit about $215 worth of residual checks.

When I got my receipt and saw my checking account balance, it made me think two things, 1. I will be able to pay October's rent (Considering that I have the 2 Broke Girls check coming), but 2. I really need to book more shit.

...which is why it's pretty depressing when I get an audition for a SAG "Ultra Low Budget" project; it's $100 for the day, which depending on the day and the location, could actually mean losing money...and as one of "The Nation's Poor", that doesn't really work for me, if you know what I'm saying.

But...this particular low-budget thing is a memorable little bit - as a blind, drunk, horny clown - and the casting director asked for me specifically (And this is a casting director that also casts real things, so it's good to be "agreeable" at times like this).

I worry, in a circumstance like this, that if I actually book it, the project will suck, and I'll look bad...and that seems like a reasonable concern.

But I actually think I have to "get over that" a little bit, cause as things stand, I'm going nowhere fast, so if I want more...interesting things to happen, maybe I have to take the occasional chance now-and-then.

I'm not inclined to say "yes" without a lot of anxiety - because of fatigue, because of fear, because of...whatever - but I imagine life is better if you do say "yes" to things the majority of the time.

Even if it doesn't feel good "in the moment".


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