11:42 PM - 03.13.17
If I Should Die...

Once again, there's not really one big bit of "news" to write about...but I'm trying to get myself to write on a more regular basis (In part, because I want to see where my mind goes when I don't have a lot to "report").

(So "here goes nothing"...)

With health care in the news a lot of late - As Republicans try to repeal Obamacare and replace it with a big fuck-you to the working class people who voted for them - it was nice to get notice in the mail that I've qualified for "Plan I" health insurance through SAG, starting next month (I'm currently on the "pay more, get less" Plan II).

In a perfect world, "health care" wouldn't be something you have to earn - I qualified for fancy-schmancy Plan I coverage because of how much I earned last year (Helped immensely by the last episode of Shameless last season, where they paid me as a week-long guest-star...and I ended up cut out of the episode altogether).

But since health care is something you have to earn here in "The Greatest Country On Earth", I can't help but feel a tiny bit "accomplished" for having earned it.

(Though again, getting paid a crazy amount for that one episode - and why so much for that episode when I got nothing extra for the strip-club episode in Season 6? - it seems not so much like something I "accomplished" as something that just randomly "happened". But anyway...)

Getting that nice thing in the mail made me think about how I don't get "nice things" in the mail very often anymore.

Haven't heard from my mother in a very long time, not since I wrote her that letter ever-so-gently chastising her (I said something about wishing she hadn't been so secretive, because knowing my brothers - and them knowing me - might have made a difference in our lives growing up. And I "encouraged" her to tell Chuck who his father was, or tell him she doesn't know if she doesn't know, because it really bothers him. And I think I asked her to come to the picnic/"family union" thing we were planning when it looked like I was going to visit).

Short of not bringing it up at all, I couldn't have been much kinder about the whole thing (And "not bringing it up at all" wouldn't have been very kind to me). So the idea that she may have "shut down" over that bugs me, though I don't really know - Tony told me awhile back that she was "slipping" mentally, so maybe she's just forgotten about me again. Or maybe just forgotten that she "owes me a letter".

Who knows?

So I'm thinking about writing her, even though I'm about 99.9% sure we don't have much to offer each other at this point (She doesn't even write very interesting letters, truth to tell) - after she got that I wasn't angry at her, and I got that she was proud of me, and sorry about what happened way-back-when, it doesn't seem like there was much left to say.

This will sound weird (sounds weird to me, anyway!), but I wish she were more like me in this instance - I wish she were more of a talker, and a writer, and not so shut-down/closed off.

Honestly, I'm surprised she's not more interested in me, and even more surprised that, given the opportunity to talk to someone about her life (Someone I'm guessing is more interested in hearing what she has to say than anyone she's ever known), she's basically "taking a pass".

But, trying to look at things from her point-of-view, she didn't ask for any of this. She made the decision she made, thought it was for the best, and probably hoped that was the end of things - She might have gotten some measure of relief or pleasure or I-don't-know-what out of knowing I don't harbor ill-will toward her and that (In her estimation) I "turned out okay"...but it's also someone coming along, asking her to "open doors" she's kept locked for most of her life, and there's clearly nothing there she's eager to revisit (She's obviously more invested in keeping those doors closed than in having a relationship with me...which smarts a little, but again, I was the one "with my hand out" here, not her).

Anyway...

I like getting things in the mail - I always have - but I think it's taken a sad turn in the last number of years, from enjoying a "fun surprise" to, all too often, hoping for something that will rescue me from...I-don't-know-what - Poverty? Despair? Pointlessness?

It's really way more than the US Postal Service is ever gonna deliver - the mail is pretty much for junk and bills these days. My fetish for getting something "fun" or "exciting" in the mail, something that will brighten my day if not change my life altogether, is basically a hold-over from childhood, and a sign that I am "a person of a certain age".

(I don't know that a lot of fun/exciting/life-changing notifications are in my future, but if there are, they aren't likely to come through the US Mail - More likely I'll get a call or an email or a text.)

I just wrote all that to say I was bummed recently to get a notice from SAG that they were initiating "Direct-Deposit" for residuals - No more "checks in the mail", just emails to let me know money is going in to my account (Not sure when it's starting - It hasn't as of yet, anyway).

It's actually hugely convenient, and a good sign that my union is moving into the 21st century...but it makes me sad, because it's one less thing to look forward to, to hope for, when I open the mail (Though let's be honest - At my level, residual checks are, the majority of the time, not terribly "exciting", and never "life-changing").

I was thinking about this recently on Facebook - I saw an ad for a service where you sign up to get a mystery box of assorted comics for however-much a month.

I know there are a number of "mystery box" services like that out there, and it made me sad that, for many people, life is so boring and not-fun, they have to pay for someone to send them a nice surprise in the mail.

Well, while it's not coming in the mail, I don't think (I think they're delivering it through Fed-Ex), and it's not going to be a "surprise" (cause I know it's coming), I am excited to be getting something on Thursday...

Weight Watchers is partnering with a food delivery service called Fresh (Or "FreshRealm"), and we SPs (service providers) are getting to "sample the wares".

(Someone told me initially that we were just getting one meal, but we actually got nine choices - basically, three days of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.)

Unlike Chef'd, our previous offering (Where they send you a box of all the ingredients you need to make a thing, and then you make the thing), the Fresh offerings are all set - You just have to "heat and eat" (And in some cases, not even "heat").

That's about my speed.

No big deal - Just a nice thing I'm getting (Though I'm curious if there's any way it could be cost-effective to actually do on a regular basis, compared to grocery-shopping. Probably not - even though it doesn't seem hugely expensive - but part of me wishes I could just pay to have meals delivered on a regular basis. I think it would make my life a little nicer, and probably healthier as well).

St Patrick's Day - Another in a long line of "holidays" I couldn't give two shits about...

And speaking of "shit"...

Was considering deleting all that shit I wrote before, but I just re-read it, and while it's not exactly action-packed, thrill-a-minute stuff, it is "what's going on" right now, so I'm gonna leave it.

Anyway...

The Fresh delivery arrived yesterday, and so far, it's been fun - It's definitely something I would do if I had a larger, steadier income. I think it would be...helpful (And help satisfy that itch to "get something nice in the mail").

Well...I'm about to launch into stuff I've been avoiding writing about for quite awhile, but before I do...

Got a number of gift certificates for Xmas, and since I didn't have any pressing needs/desires right then, I just held onto them.

But noticed recently that my Fitbit HR is starting to come apart, so pooled cards from Mark & Jane and Cary & Kay to upgrade to the Blaze (Which I like, not so much because of the couple extra tricks it can do, but because it looks more like a wristwatch. Because I'm old).

(Haven't "switched over" yet - hard for me to throw things away that are still working, and the HR hasn't died just yet - but the Blaze is here, still in its Target bag, just waiting to be called into service.)

And didn't have an immediate need for the ArcLight Cinema gift certificate given to me for Xmas, because I was attending FYC screenings and getting DVDs and free movie downloads through SAG.

But then "awards season" came and went, and a couple movies came out that I wanted to see (Logan and Get Out), but that I didn't want to pay for, so it was fun to get to go to "The Rich People's Theater" (Where I also worked before Weight Watchers was a thing) and check those out (They were both really good, by the way).

I even cashed in a spare Target gift certificate I'd intended to send out as a gift - opting to send the person an electronic Amazon gc instead - and bought myself a "Dark Knight Returns" action figure.

And I just wrote all that, while strongly suspecting it's not terribly interesting, because I wanted to take note of something nice that's been happening over the past couple weeks - It's been fun having this little orgy of spending on things I couldn't normally afford (The $200 Fitbit) or justify (Going to ArcLight, or buying a $25 action figure).

And I still have a $100 Amazon gift certificate to play with - Having the ongoing debate of "something practical, or something fun?", and thinking I may end up "splitting the difference" (Just to make sure I'm not completely satisfied on either front).

So it's not as if nothing fun is happening, or has happened recently (I also went to the New Beverly with Josh this past weekend, which was fun. And while I've had some struggles lately, my last couple Zumba outings have been nice - am trying a new instructor on Fridays, which has been challenging).

But that said, I've been dogged by long bouts of feeling like shit, physically and emotionally. I'm dog-tired, my knees hurt, my body aches, I struggle with anxious, fearful thoughts almost constantly, and I can't for the life of me imagine what I have to live for, yet am obsessed over my impending demise.

A big thing I've been wrestling with, for a long time now is the feeling that "It's all over but the shouting" - I "took my swing", such as it's been, but I missed, and now I'm just "running out the clock".

Seems pretty clear at this point that love isn't going to happen, kids certainly aren't going to happen (And if they did, it would be a nightmare), a viable career (artistically, financially) isn't going to happen.

Nobody gives a fuck about me as an actor, and I don't understand what happened, other than I dared to get "old".

I don't know what else I could do at this age, and I don't want to do something else. This feels like "the thing I do", even if nobody gives a rat's ass about me doing it.

So what now?

Keep swinging, in the hopes that a miracle will happen? That I'll be one of those one-in-a-million actors who get "discovered" at an age long after most people have given up?

I do not see the way forward. And I don't just mean that about acting - I can't see a way forward with life that doesn't involve a lot of pain and loneliness and suffering before an ignominious death.

And while I'm all-but-certain that once I die, I'm just gonna be gone, I am currently deeply troubled at the idea that I'm going to die, and...well, be gone - The whole "I'll be gone, and it'll be like I was never here" thing.

Obviously, the problem here is that my only perspective is that of being alive - I can't really wrap my mind around "non-existence", so while I can intellectually say, "What do I care?" - about what happens to my corpse, what people say about me (Or whether they say anything about me), whether anything about me will "live on" after I die, etc - because "I'm gonna be fucking dead", my only emotional vantage point is as someone alive, imagining my insignificant passing as a sign of my failed life.

This is gonna sound weird, but I was at a Zumba class about two weeks ago, and it made me think about what nearing death might actually be like.

Most of the time, I enjoy Zumba, but I wasn't right then - I was tired and in pain, and frustrated that I was having a hard time concentrating and keeping up.

And many times, there are at least three or four women in the class who are very attractive and/or really good dancers, along with people I've become casual friends with during the course of taking classes.

But none of those people were there this particular time.

And as I struggled with the class, and felt kind of lonesome (I like to watch the good-looking women who can dance for obvious reasons, but also because I like to challenge myself to "keep up", which is a challenge, because they are, as a rule, decades younger than I am), it struck me that "This must be what nearing Death is like..." - You're in pain, you can't do what you used to do, you're not enjoying yourself, and your friends are all gone, so maybe "getting to the end" is something you start to welcome?

(I think that's presuming a really long life...which I never presume for myself. Even though I'm relatively healthy. Which is another one of my ongoing sources of anxiety - That not only am I going to die, but it's gonna happen sooner than I'm comfortable with.)

I fear approaching death because I think it's gonna be the capper on what has basically been a failed existence (But again, if when I die I'm just gone, and it'll quickly be like I was never born, who gives a shit whether I was a "failure" or not?).

And believe me, I'm not done with this subject - Cause it's sure-as-hell not done with me - but I'll have to continue wrestling with my mortality tomorrow.

Right now, I've gotta go to bed.

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